Thursday, August 25, 2005
The Edge of Reason
I've been reading again. I'm not as mentally lazy and unamused as I was when I was hammered everyday. Go figure. I finished the second Bridget Jones. Then I read The Amityville Horror, which I do not recommend reading at home alone by candlelight. But otherwise, was entertained. Now I'm sorta reading the Bible. Just 'cause.
Yesterday the story of Noah's Arc deeply affected me. I do not have well defined religious beliefs. I don't exactly know where the bible fits in, if at all. But I haven't really picked one up in the last eight years or so. If nothing else, it is interesting.
Anyway, I could totally relate to the story because I think it expresses something universal. Something about this renewal thing I've been talking about so much. The way that it said god created people and the world and night and day; and it was beautiful and good and satisfying. And gave it to man. And then saw what it was becoming, and how it was turning into something he didn't like, that he never wanted. And almost decided to scrap the whole project, but instead decided to keep a little piece and start over.
I guess I could relate to that. Who hasn't felt that way in any situation? Whether in love or career or art? Especially with art. I thought about how so many artists and musicians hate their work, and at most, are never completely satisfied with their output verses their intention, or vision. You ever spent hours on a painting or a paper only to discard the finished product on the count of the crap you considered it to be? It can be painful.
Or ever live in a state of mediocrity that could be acceptable, in a situation that's not necessarily harming you, but that could be improved upon if you just had the guts to start over?
Not to say that the flood in the story necessarily did much for that, considering how hard it is to live in the world today, but then again, the story continues.
I'm exceedingly stressed out, but not. It's odd.
There's no telling everything that's on my mind, everything I have to do, all the money I have to come up with in a short period of time concerning various things.
But there's this calmness to it all. That I've got within me. That it'll work out. It's a confidence in myself that is rarely shaken.
Other than by my drinking. I was exceedingly depressed, and so I drank. But the drinking just made me more depressed. Once I saw the cycle I was going in, and noticed how quickly things were only getting worse, I had no other choice but to end it.
And it made me think about all my drinking habits over the years. This was definitely the worst, but I can't recall a time where I wasn't drinking regularly in the last five or six years. I wasn't always a drunk, but I did notice if I went a week without a drink. Just one.
Working in a bar doesn't help. I've got to get out of there. The funny thing is when all this was going on since I got back from camp I couldn't drink at work. So I was just wasted every other day of the week. Beyond belief. And I'd wake up feeling like shit and pour another one. Scotch or beer. Alone or with others. It didn't matter.
I drank because I felt useless, and then the drinking made me feel even more useless.
But I had my head together, even through it. I know I did because as soon as I stopped and started doing things for myself again, I felt better.
I'm pretty lonely right now. When my friends call me they mostly invite me to bars, and I can't do that right now.
I had sorta started seeing somebody new. But all we did was meet up at bars. I met him one night at Nikki's birthday party, and ever since then I started running into him everywhere. I was pretty stand-off-ish and showed little interest, but it was nice to be pursued. I did begin to think he was a nice, intelligent guy.
But that's not something I can think about right now. And since we mostly hung out in bars, I'm not sure where he'd fit in since I don't want to go to them now. Because we would both basically go out and run into dozens of people we knew and split up and talk to them and meet up at the end of the night to say it was nice to see each other.
He was calling and sending me messages quite a bit for awhile, but yeah, I don't know what's up with that.
Aaron and I speak occasionally, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. The first couple weeks I really wanted him back. Now I don't. Now when I talk to him I just get angry and frustrated. I'm surprising still pretty nice to him. I can't hate him. I wish I could.
But I felt so deceived, because I don't think he knows who he is or what he wants. And he doesn't. He'll even admit that. But he put up the appearance of someone who was not actually an emotional fuckwit.
So when he broke up with me without even being able to articulate a reason, I took it pretty hard. Because everything had been perfect until it just wasn't. It was a total shock. Even all my friends were shocked.
He still can't really explain it. Nor can he explain why he felt so depressed in the weeks after (Hmm, I don't know. I guess it had nothing to do with ending a great relationship for no real reason.). And I think he still is. We had a couple nice conversations and were going to meet to talk in person, but he shut down again. Last time I talked to him I confronted him about it. He apologized, saying he wasn't sure, just like he isn't sure about anything.
Yep. So I'm working on my emotional fuckwit meter. It's a work in progress.
This was prolly longer than necessary. Possibly a work of procrastination. I've got lots to do.
I've been reading again. I'm not as mentally lazy and unamused as I was when I was hammered everyday. Go figure. I finished the second Bridget Jones. Then I read The Amityville Horror, which I do not recommend reading at home alone by candlelight. But otherwise, was entertained. Now I'm sorta reading the Bible. Just 'cause.
Yesterday the story of Noah's Arc deeply affected me. I do not have well defined religious beliefs. I don't exactly know where the bible fits in, if at all. But I haven't really picked one up in the last eight years or so. If nothing else, it is interesting.
Anyway, I could totally relate to the story because I think it expresses something universal. Something about this renewal thing I've been talking about so much. The way that it said god created people and the world and night and day; and it was beautiful and good and satisfying. And gave it to man. And then saw what it was becoming, and how it was turning into something he didn't like, that he never wanted. And almost decided to scrap the whole project, but instead decided to keep a little piece and start over.
I guess I could relate to that. Who hasn't felt that way in any situation? Whether in love or career or art? Especially with art. I thought about how so many artists and musicians hate their work, and at most, are never completely satisfied with their output verses their intention, or vision. You ever spent hours on a painting or a paper only to discard the finished product on the count of the crap you considered it to be? It can be painful.
Or ever live in a state of mediocrity that could be acceptable, in a situation that's not necessarily harming you, but that could be improved upon if you just had the guts to start over?
Not to say that the flood in the story necessarily did much for that, considering how hard it is to live in the world today, but then again, the story continues.
I'm exceedingly stressed out, but not. It's odd.
There's no telling everything that's on my mind, everything I have to do, all the money I have to come up with in a short period of time concerning various things.
But there's this calmness to it all. That I've got within me. That it'll work out. It's a confidence in myself that is rarely shaken.
Other than by my drinking. I was exceedingly depressed, and so I drank. But the drinking just made me more depressed. Once I saw the cycle I was going in, and noticed how quickly things were only getting worse, I had no other choice but to end it.
And it made me think about all my drinking habits over the years. This was definitely the worst, but I can't recall a time where I wasn't drinking regularly in the last five or six years. I wasn't always a drunk, but I did notice if I went a week without a drink. Just one.
Working in a bar doesn't help. I've got to get out of there. The funny thing is when all this was going on since I got back from camp I couldn't drink at work. So I was just wasted every other day of the week. Beyond belief. And I'd wake up feeling like shit and pour another one. Scotch or beer. Alone or with others. It didn't matter.
I drank because I felt useless, and then the drinking made me feel even more useless.
But I had my head together, even through it. I know I did because as soon as I stopped and started doing things for myself again, I felt better.
I'm pretty lonely right now. When my friends call me they mostly invite me to bars, and I can't do that right now.
I had sorta started seeing somebody new. But all we did was meet up at bars. I met him one night at Nikki's birthday party, and ever since then I started running into him everywhere. I was pretty stand-off-ish and showed little interest, but it was nice to be pursued. I did begin to think he was a nice, intelligent guy.
But that's not something I can think about right now. And since we mostly hung out in bars, I'm not sure where he'd fit in since I don't want to go to them now. Because we would both basically go out and run into dozens of people we knew and split up and talk to them and meet up at the end of the night to say it was nice to see each other.
He was calling and sending me messages quite a bit for awhile, but yeah, I don't know what's up with that.
Aaron and I speak occasionally, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. The first couple weeks I really wanted him back. Now I don't. Now when I talk to him I just get angry and frustrated. I'm surprising still pretty nice to him. I can't hate him. I wish I could.
But I felt so deceived, because I don't think he knows who he is or what he wants. And he doesn't. He'll even admit that. But he put up the appearance of someone who was not actually an emotional fuckwit.
So when he broke up with me without even being able to articulate a reason, I took it pretty hard. Because everything had been perfect until it just wasn't. It was a total shock. Even all my friends were shocked.
He still can't really explain it. Nor can he explain why he felt so depressed in the weeks after (Hmm, I don't know. I guess it had nothing to do with ending a great relationship for no real reason.). And I think he still is. We had a couple nice conversations and were going to meet to talk in person, but he shut down again. Last time I talked to him I confronted him about it. He apologized, saying he wasn't sure, just like he isn't sure about anything.
Yep. So I'm working on my emotional fuckwit meter. It's a work in progress.
This was prolly longer than necessary. Possibly a work of procrastination. I've got lots to do.
Labels: Addiction, Books, Career, Depression, Drinking, Relationships
Monday, August 22, 2005
Hi. Again.
So ... Nikki has managed to betray my trust in less than 48 hours of staying at my place. No kidding. But there is no mistake on my part. At least I gave her a chance. I would have felt like a bad friend if I hadn't tried to help her out. But what do you do for people when all you want to do is help them and all they want to do is turn around and fuck you? Fuck them. That's what you do. Fuckin' A. Nuff said.
Well, I've been busting my ass. Last week was really good. And busy. But fuckin' awesome. I was training so I worked every day at Chuy's -- where I am hosting now -- and then I closed at Slicks five nights outta the week.
This week'll be a change of pace. I'm so excited about class tomorrow. I looove school. Ah, I'm such a big dork. Ah.
Sorry if this is generic or more diary-ish than blog-ish, but for the few of you who read this sometimes it's the only way we can keep up.
I will be 25 in a couple weeks. Whoa. I'm trying to decide what to do. My original plan was to have big bar party, like I did for my 23rd. But that was back when I only got "birthday drunk" -- which is the drunkest I would get all year -- on my actual birthday. And since I've spent the last month or more that way I'd rather not.
The only question is what does one do on their birthday other than get shittily and retardly wasted with ones friends? I'd say that's all I've done for the last five years at least.
Back in high school my friends and I used to go celebrate in large groups at places like Planet Hollywood and Hardrock Cafe and shit. We thought it was just about the coolest thing ever. But meh. Maybe I'll go bowling, hah! Thing is I kinda suck at bowling, and it seems like on your birthday you should want to do something that you don't completely suck at. At least with pool, I always cheated on my birthday. No one would say anything about my putting balls in the pockets with my hands because it was my birthday. My day, man.
Dude, you know what I've been wanting to do for some reason though? Mini golf. Haven't done that in years. I've also always wanted to go to the driving range and do that thing where you just pay like $20 for a bucket of balls and hit 'em as hard as you can. Not exactly a birthday idea though.
That actually sounds like it would be cool right now, because I'm really kinda stressed and unbelievably pissed off about the aforementioned bull shit with my "so-called" best friend.
So, there's this line on this one song on the Ben Folds album that I love so much. It says, seems to me if you can't trust, you can't be trusted.
It really hit home with me, because since Aaron and I broke up, I haven't really been able to trust anyone. And I don't want to be that way.
I know that some people really suck. Some human beings are just outright awful, and others are golden. And I will never stop hoping and believing in the golden ones. That they exist.
I know some really quality people. Man, I do. And sometimes you've gotta filter them in and out, because some folks will inevitably disappoint you. And maybe my bull shit meter isn't all in order, but I'm working on it. In the mean time I believe in people until they give me a reason not to.
Or at least I used to be that way, and I'm trying to get there again. Because I don't want to be ugly. Or cynical. Or drunk. I just want to be me.
So ... Nikki has managed to betray my trust in less than 48 hours of staying at my place. No kidding. But there is no mistake on my part. At least I gave her a chance. I would have felt like a bad friend if I hadn't tried to help her out. But what do you do for people when all you want to do is help them and all they want to do is turn around and fuck you? Fuck them. That's what you do. Fuckin' A. Nuff said.
Well, I've been busting my ass. Last week was really good. And busy. But fuckin' awesome. I was training so I worked every day at Chuy's -- where I am hosting now -- and then I closed at Slicks five nights outta the week.
This week'll be a change of pace. I'm so excited about class tomorrow. I looove school. Ah, I'm such a big dork. Ah.
Sorry if this is generic or more diary-ish than blog-ish, but for the few of you who read this sometimes it's the only way we can keep up.
I will be 25 in a couple weeks. Whoa. I'm trying to decide what to do. My original plan was to have big bar party, like I did for my 23rd. But that was back when I only got "birthday drunk" -- which is the drunkest I would get all year -- on my actual birthday. And since I've spent the last month or more that way I'd rather not.
The only question is what does one do on their birthday other than get shittily and retardly wasted with ones friends? I'd say that's all I've done for the last five years at least.
Back in high school my friends and I used to go celebrate in large groups at places like Planet Hollywood and Hardrock Cafe and shit. We thought it was just about the coolest thing ever. But meh. Maybe I'll go bowling, hah! Thing is I kinda suck at bowling, and it seems like on your birthday you should want to do something that you don't completely suck at. At least with pool, I always cheated on my birthday. No one would say anything about my putting balls in the pockets with my hands because it was my birthday. My day, man.
Dude, you know what I've been wanting to do for some reason though? Mini golf. Haven't done that in years. I've also always wanted to go to the driving range and do that thing where you just pay like $20 for a bucket of balls and hit 'em as hard as you can. Not exactly a birthday idea though.
That actually sounds like it would be cool right now, because I'm really kinda stressed and unbelievably pissed off about the aforementioned bull shit with my "so-called" best friend.
So, there's this line on this one song on the Ben Folds album that I love so much. It says, seems to me if you can't trust, you can't be trusted.
It really hit home with me, because since Aaron and I broke up, I haven't really been able to trust anyone. And I don't want to be that way.
I know that some people really suck. Some human beings are just outright awful, and others are golden. And I will never stop hoping and believing in the golden ones. That they exist.
I know some really quality people. Man, I do. And sometimes you've gotta filter them in and out, because some folks will inevitably disappoint you. And maybe my bull shit meter isn't all in order, but I'm working on it. In the mean time I believe in people until they give me a reason not to.
Or at least I used to be that way, and I'm trying to get there again. Because I don't want to be ugly. Or cynical. Or drunk. I just want to be me.
Labels: birthdays, Friendship, Work
Sunday, August 21, 2005
hi -- edited version
um, just a little update.
i have two jobs now, and i start school in a couple days. i'm a fuckin' hoss.
i quit drinking. temporarily. or maybe not. the more i don't drink the more i don't want to drink.
still chainsmoke like a motherfucker though.
anyway, getting my shit together. just thought you should know.
some very good advice: don't date boys, date men. now if i could only figure out what a man is. i guess i will know when i meet one.
that is all.
p.s. ben folds, where you been all my life? i love you.
um, just a little update.
i have two jobs now, and i start school in a couple days. i'm a fuckin' hoss.
i quit drinking. temporarily. or maybe not. the more i don't drink the more i don't want to drink.
still chainsmoke like a motherfucker though.
anyway, getting my shit together. just thought you should know.
some very good advice: don't date boys, date men. now if i could only figure out what a man is. i guess i will know when i meet one.
that is all.
p.s. ben folds, where you been all my life? i love you.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Sleepless (not) in Seattle
I did get a second job, just a couple days after I posted last, I think. So I'm on my way. In one week I will have two jobs and school.
I love being busy. I really do. And my apartment is just now really starting to feel like home. I just moved my furniture Sunday. For a week I was just sort of living there: all the essentials, like guitars, but uh, no food or place to sit. It's much better now. Still no food though. I'm kinda broke.
I'm sorta cutting down on the drinking now, but sorta not. But a couple things happened lately that really pissed me off at myself, er whatever. Like getting drunk at Cecil's the other night and losing my fucking glasses. I know someone stole them. My Versace bling-bling. Ughhhh.
So, yeah, that's another million dollars I have to come up with; that is, if I would like to see again. And I sure would.
Man, I've been looking at dating in a much better way lately. No pressure at all. 'Cause these days I'd run the wind out of myself in the opposite direction of anything that resembled a relationship. I'm pretty much one of those alcoholic, workaholic, emo fuckwits that Bridget Jones longed to avoid. That I longed to avoid, much less never thought I would become. But, I'm working on it. Anyway, it's OK to get to know people. A slower way of doing things certainly can't be bad.
Uh, I feel I don't have too much to say. Just wanted to let you know I'm following through, or trying to, I guess. For what it's worth. Till next time ...
I did get a second job, just a couple days after I posted last, I think. So I'm on my way. In one week I will have two jobs and school.
I love being busy. I really do. And my apartment is just now really starting to feel like home. I just moved my furniture Sunday. For a week I was just sort of living there: all the essentials, like guitars, but uh, no food or place to sit. It's much better now. Still no food though. I'm kinda broke.
I'm sorta cutting down on the drinking now, but sorta not. But a couple things happened lately that really pissed me off at myself, er whatever. Like getting drunk at Cecil's the other night and losing my fucking glasses. I know someone stole them. My Versace bling-bling. Ughhhh.
So, yeah, that's another million dollars I have to come up with; that is, if I would like to see again. And I sure would.
Man, I've been looking at dating in a much better way lately. No pressure at all. 'Cause these days I'd run the wind out of myself in the opposite direction of anything that resembled a relationship. I'm pretty much one of those alcoholic, workaholic, emo fuckwits that Bridget Jones longed to avoid. That I longed to avoid, much less never thought I would become. But, I'm working on it. Anyway, it's OK to get to know people. A slower way of doing things certainly can't be bad.
Uh, I feel I don't have too much to say. Just wanted to let you know I'm following through, or trying to, I guess. For what it's worth. Till next time ...
Thursday, August 11, 2005
The miserable and painful truth.
I want to change my life -- like before, but without having to leave town and sell everything to do it.
I'm looking for a second job. I want to work a lot. I want to meet lots of new people. I want to be productive. I want to make good grades.
I want to think about what I want. I need to think about what I want. I don't want to just pass the time anymore, 'cause that's not living. I feel like that's all I do.
This still hurts so badly. Aaron fucked me up more than I wish I could admit. And I still cry, and I have tried everything I can to take away the pain: working, hanging out with my friends. Drinking. Drinking a lot. Drinking for so many hours. Drinking to the point of unhealthiness and then drinking still. Drinking. Drowning in drinks.
And I just don't want to do it anymore. Not like this. Because I know I'm only doing it because I am so unhappy. And an empty bottle is just that: an empty bottle. An empty bottle to match an empty person.
I hate this feeling. I feel so pathetic inside. A person who has everything and nothing at the same time. Like I have everything to offer and nothing and no one to offer it to. A total fucking waste.
I feel right back where I was what seems an eternity ago. When everything was just stuff. Material, meaningless, worthless, nonsense.
But life means so much more to me than it did before I got on that plane. And I've been grateful every day for taking that flight. Even with all the consequences I had to face. All a part of starting over.
This feels like adolescence. And every time you think something's changed you see the same reflection staring back at you in the bathroom mirror. And you wonder if adulthood isn't like finishing a page in a book and turning it only to find the same writing by the same writer. Maybe that's why I hate reading anymore. No surprises. Only impressions. And even a good impression is not enough to make me want to actually finish reading anything all the way through.
Dating is the same way.
How can everything be the same when everything's changing?
I must sound like a basketcase, but the truth is I'm one of the sanest persons I know. I know some really great people, but something is missing. Something in my friendships I desperately need, like room for growth, when everything is so routine: Telephones and drinks and bullshitting and more drinking. Laughing a lot, but waking up in the morning to always feel the same.
...
Renewal. Maybe all this is just part of the cycle. A part I needed to get to so I could snap out of it. And I'm ready. I am. Because sometimes you've just got to look at yourself and say, no more. You just do.
I want to change my life -- like before, but without having to leave town and sell everything to do it.
I'm looking for a second job. I want to work a lot. I want to meet lots of new people. I want to be productive. I want to make good grades.
I want to think about what I want. I need to think about what I want. I don't want to just pass the time anymore, 'cause that's not living. I feel like that's all I do.
This still hurts so badly. Aaron fucked me up more than I wish I could admit. And I still cry, and I have tried everything I can to take away the pain: working, hanging out with my friends. Drinking. Drinking a lot. Drinking for so many hours. Drinking to the point of unhealthiness and then drinking still. Drinking. Drowning in drinks.
And I just don't want to do it anymore. Not like this. Because I know I'm only doing it because I am so unhappy. And an empty bottle is just that: an empty bottle. An empty bottle to match an empty person.
I hate this feeling. I feel so pathetic inside. A person who has everything and nothing at the same time. Like I have everything to offer and nothing and no one to offer it to. A total fucking waste.
I feel right back where I was what seems an eternity ago. When everything was just stuff. Material, meaningless, worthless, nonsense.
But life means so much more to me than it did before I got on that plane. And I've been grateful every day for taking that flight. Even with all the consequences I had to face. All a part of starting over.
This feels like adolescence. And every time you think something's changed you see the same reflection staring back at you in the bathroom mirror. And you wonder if adulthood isn't like finishing a page in a book and turning it only to find the same writing by the same writer. Maybe that's why I hate reading anymore. No surprises. Only impressions. And even a good impression is not enough to make me want to actually finish reading anything all the way through.
Dating is the same way.
How can everything be the same when everything's changing?
I must sound like a basketcase, but the truth is I'm one of the sanest persons I know. I know some really great people, but something is missing. Something in my friendships I desperately need, like room for growth, when everything is so routine: Telephones and drinks and bullshitting and more drinking. Laughing a lot, but waking up in the morning to always feel the same.
...
Renewal. Maybe all this is just part of the cycle. A part I needed to get to so I could snap out of it. And I'm ready. I am. Because sometimes you've just got to look at yourself and say, no more. You just do.
