Rock Star Hour

Thoughts. What else would they be?

I'm working on the happiness thing. All in all, I have been very, very happy. I don't want to leave the impression that I feel otherwise. Maybe when you are happy it does become easier to sweat the small stuff. hmff. maybe not.

so person A is this friend of mine I've had for all my college years. she's never been one of my best friends, but i sorta hoped getting her hired at camp here would change that. i've always thought she was cool.

person B is my ex-boyfriend. the ex really. one of the important ones.

so person A and person B got a little summer camp thing going on, or actually like each other a lot, it turns out.

and that's the way it is. working so many hours a day and having to live with them has not made this easy, although, when i think about it, they really are doing their jobs. and they really haven't done anything to hurt me.

person B and i broke up a long time ago. I broke up with him. And for too many fucking good reasons.

at first i thought less about person A for this, but then i realized, today, and am still realizing, that i wouldn't want things to be any other way either.

yes, the child in me would love for the world to revolve around me. the kid in me says, should they really be doing this, or not rather, out of respect for my feelings? it answers, FUCKIN' RIGHT.

but there is no logical reason why this should actually matter at all, other than the fact that i'd like him to cleanly step away from my life, and though camp is ending, i do feel he will indefinitely be tied to it. maybe we just know too many of the same people. and we'll end up at the same bar one night. again.

i don't really want to talk to him much, but i don't want to feel this way.

i can't help how i feel, and neither can they.

all right the whole person A/B thing is getting annoying. At least one of you who reads this knows it all anyway. As for others who do know the persons involved, I doubt ya'll even read this shit anymore.

Obviously Jeff is one of them. So you know what? You know what I told Jeff today? I said, this world is so fucked up, to the point where if you find someone you care about, and she cares about you, then fucking go for it!"

Because I forgot about that. I like being happy, so that's how I'm going to try to be. I want to be happy with my friends, even if I might've pictured happiness differently than this.

I've often thought that outside of context I might've thought they were cute together. They might very well work. She is very different from me. They relate to each other in completely different ways.

This has not as much to do with me as my inner pre-teen goth has been thinking. I feel kind of like a 'tard. But I'm tired of feeling guilty over how I feel. that's what made this so hard to begin with.

Thank you Dave, for your advice. It really helped, by the way.

Ah, dinnertime ...

bull shit

so ... some people i knew. and thought i cared about. have recently hurt my feelings. i'm not sure if on the surface it looks to be what it really is. i'm not sure how to voice my concerns to articulate them properly in order to pinpoint the exact way this situation matters so much. especially when i know it only matters because i am in it, and will not matter so much when i am not in it.

i have been very grown up. i've been trying. i have not addressed these persons at all concerning their actions. but what if passivity isn't necessarily the grown up thing to do?

what if my feelings are hurt for legitimate reasons, even if the emotions i am feeling seem so illogical? and how can i articulate them properly if i know inside there are logical reasons that these things should not matter as much as they do. relevant things. things that make sense.

i'm sorry i can't go into specifics. but i'm so disappointed. and hurt. i really am.

i hate that sometimes i try to be a good person, and i know that i really am. and sometimes it just seems that it is too much in this world to expect the same treatment from others as you would bestow upon them. respecting boundaries, and their feelings and such.

this situation makes camp feel like a cage sometimes. and i feel locked up and ready to go on to real life, if not that, barring any other way of saying this, being here is a way for me to fulfill god's work.

i don't know if i believe in god, but i know that if there was one, he or she would want good things for the world it created. and i want to do good things.

i feel like this feeling, this irrationality, this ridiculous array of emotions surrounding this current situation, is inhibiting me from fully being able to do that.

it's ok. i'm half way done, and sometimes in the world, you can't help but turn your back on certain people. sometimes, though they may be looking right at you, they may have turned their backs as well. and they're not really seeing you. just a reflection of themselves in a mirror, only there's a light blinding their own reflection, so as to make them think they are actually looking, while reflecting a truth in their actions they choose not to see.

are you supposed to watch while this happens, even though it hurts? even though it makes you angry? even though you don't know exactly why? are you supposed to shatter those mirrors or let things go on their own, and only write about it in half-sleep and send it into cyberspace for someone else to wonder about, so maybe you could get some sleep of your own?

Man, oh man, I love camp.

Angel caught three fish yesterday.

Brooke caught two, plus the one that got away.

Nikea is getting better at swimming; she got to take off her life jacket today.

And that's not all: I love camp.

Sheralyn is blind, but she goes swimming, and she reads her book in brail to the other children. And when you ask her to dance, she dances, and says she's droppin' it like it's hot.

And little girls have bigger hearts than any one else in the entire world. And they show it with notes and bracelets and hugs and smiles.

And if this is cheesy, I don't give a damn. Because tonight we're having a dance, and it's going to rule. 'Cause none of my girls seem to care about having a date this week. They just want to be silly and dance with me. Right on.

Um, and that is all.

Oh, and Aaron, I miss him soooo much. I'll see him tomorrow!

p.s. I got to pet a pony yesterday!

teeny-tiny update

i've been seeing aaron for about a month. half of it has been at camp, so i don't know about the seeing part, but i call him every night. man, he treats me better than anybody ever has, and this doesn't feel like work at all ...

i like being happy.

i'm sick right now, but i'm getting better. camp crud is going around. i always get sick at least once while i'm here. everybody does. but it's almost over ...

mmm, what else can i tell you? i haven't blogged much, huh?

i guess that's it for now.

Have fun in this dark, cold, evil room by yourself.

hahaha. that's what my friend just said to me. i had just written sooo in the title line here before Julian and Jason entered the office. They're so silly.

Man, it might be because things are just getting started here, but I'm sort of having a hard time.

This week has been hard. Really, really long days. Not enough sleep, although power naps and the occasional soda have helped a little.

I haven't smoked a cigarette in a week. I'm happy about that.

And I've discovered I love swimming as much as running. We've been training for lifeguard certification. Something I've never done before. Yesterday was fucking hard. Lifeguard training which began in the evening after a decidedly long day. I had gotten up at 6 a.m. to go running.

So I took this morning off from running, knowing we were going to train some more tonight.

I also haven't felt good the last couple days. My allergies were bothering me a lot. Seriously, when you come out here from Houston your body gets confused. It's like Where the f*ck is the pollution? ... yo.

I was thinking about when I went to Seattle. I don't know how I did it, yet I know how. That probably doesn't make any sense to anyone but me. It would take too long to explain.

I guess because it is crazy too many how I could've gone so far away to a place I never knew with people I never knew, to work harder than I've ever worked in my entire life. And harder than I ever have since. Only to come here, where I've been so many times, and I know the routine and I know the people, to be feeling so much the opposite in ways.

Today I was thinking about the new people out there this year. Or the people who will be out there, since that camp starts later than this one. The ones who will come out and fill the shoes that I filled. And how much it'll take to keep their heads together. And the campers I had last year, and if any of them will miss me. Like my friend Chelsea. She was the same age as me, and she was in a wheelchair and had lots of other health problems. She budgeted her money all year long just to get to come to camp. I played Pinkerton for her and the rest of my cabin in arts and crafts. They fucking loved it. I played it for them after they heard me play "The Good Life" on my guitar. I wanted them to hear the original ...

Anyway, I guess I'm in some reflective kind of mood. I've been writing in my diary a lot. Personal stuff. Because for some reason I don't feel like I can talk to anybody hear, even though I know everybody pretty well.

I'm super homesick. Homesick like whoa. Comparitively to how I maybe felt my first summer here when I was 20 years old. But not really because I don't remember enough, except that I had a lot more things to work out with myself back then. A lot of other things going on. And much of that came out at camp, and maybe that's why I've felt indebted to this place for so long.

I miss my sister Renee, and my best friend Nikki a lot. I talked to Nikki on the phone tonight. I can't seem to get to talk to Renee because our schedules are conflicting so much.

And I really miss Aaron. But I'll see him soon.

I feel so emo right now. It sucks.

Tomorrow's another day. I'm sure it'll be better. Don't get me wrong. I'm having a really good time here. It's just this stubborness in me because I had it so good at home before I left. I'm not used to leaving good things. Usually, in any situation I leave when things are past the point of being bad. That's another thing I've been working on.

This weekend I'm going to St. Louis with my mom. It will be great to spend some time with my family and clear my head. I may also try to call some of you, if I get the time.

I should go for now. Good night.