Rock Star Hour

bull shit

so ... some people i knew. and thought i cared about. have recently hurt my feelings. i'm not sure if on the surface it looks to be what it really is. i'm not sure how to voice my concerns to articulate them properly in order to pinpoint the exact way this situation matters so much. especially when i know it only matters because i am in it, and will not matter so much when i am not in it.

i have been very grown up. i've been trying. i have not addressed these persons at all concerning their actions. but what if passivity isn't necessarily the grown up thing to do?

what if my feelings are hurt for legitimate reasons, even if the emotions i am feeling seem so illogical? and how can i articulate them properly if i know inside there are logical reasons that these things should not matter as much as they do. relevant things. things that make sense.

i'm sorry i can't go into specifics. but i'm so disappointed. and hurt. i really am.

i hate that sometimes i try to be a good person, and i know that i really am. and sometimes it just seems that it is too much in this world to expect the same treatment from others as you would bestow upon them. respecting boundaries, and their feelings and such.

this situation makes camp feel like a cage sometimes. and i feel locked up and ready to go on to real life, if not that, barring any other way of saying this, being here is a way for me to fulfill god's work.

i don't know if i believe in god, but i know that if there was one, he or she would want good things for the world it created. and i want to do good things.

i feel like this feeling, this irrationality, this ridiculous array of emotions surrounding this current situation, is inhibiting me from fully being able to do that.

it's ok. i'm half way done, and sometimes in the world, you can't help but turn your back on certain people. sometimes, though they may be looking right at you, they may have turned their backs as well. and they're not really seeing you. just a reflection of themselves in a mirror, only there's a light blinding their own reflection, so as to make them think they are actually looking, while reflecting a truth in their actions they choose not to see.

are you supposed to watch while this happens, even though it hurts? even though it makes you angry? even though you don't know exactly why? are you supposed to shatter those mirrors or let things go on their own, and only write about it in half-sleep and send it into cyberspace for someone else to wonder about, so maybe you could get some sleep of your own?