Saturday, April 30, 2005
Angel won't you call me, though I am a lost cause?
You can burn bridges, but somebody's going to rebuild that shit.
Fifth grade taught me that. When I was about ten my family moved to a tiny suburban neighborhood called Port St. John. It was a neighborhood built around the space industry. Everyone's parents worked for NASA, or some company under NASA, my mother included.
She and my stepfather bought this house, the first house I ever really lived in, other than when we lived with my grandparents for a while when we were real little. The first house that was ours.
That Christmas Santa Claus brought me a bike. My sister too. It was an awesome bike. We used to ride to school, just about a half-mile away. Atantis Elementary. A brand new school. Named after a shuttle of course. The neighboring elementary school was called Challenger. If I had gone to Titusville High School, instead of moving to Texas a few years later, my rival football team would have been Astronaut High School's.
I remember long summers, and riding our bikes to a ball park a couple miles away. At the nearby convenience store we'd buy candy and Snapple. Sometimes we'd get Tonguesplashers gum. Remember that stuff? Used to turn your whole mouth blue inside. It was the coolest.
The neighborhood wasn't finished. I'm sure it is much more crowded now. But just next to our school, in the woods, was our sanctuary. My sister Renee and I would cut through this trail cut out from the sidewalk, probably by kids, and cross this bridge into our imaginary lives. I remember this huge hill. Kind of like a valley. Covered with fallen leaves. Someone had tied a rope to a tree. We'd get on one side, let out a scream, and dive down, holding the rope, swinging all the way across the dip. It was the greatest.
And if we walked a little further into the woods, we came to our fort. I don't remember how we found it, but we made it ours. We'd climb this ladder made out of boards into the trees. We had two pliewood floors that we'd covered with extra pieces of linoleum we'd found. We had flowers to decorate, and a bucket tied to a neighboring limb we would send to each other up and down for supplies.
Sometimes when we'd go to our fort, the bridge leading to it would be destroyed. So you know what we would do? We'd fix it. Every single time. We'd rebuild it ourselves. Over and over. Put it back in place right as it had been.
Same thing with our fort. Sometimes we'd return to it to find it had been vandalized, or that our wood had been stolen. It might have been the neighborhood boys being jerks. But you know what we would do? We would rebuild it. Better and better. More wood. More decorations. It was the girliest treehouse ever, especially for a couple girls manly enough to build bridges and floors, fall down and scrape their knees on pavement and get up again. My sister had a skateboard even.
For some reason that came to mind. 'Cause I was just thinking about bridges. People say not to burn bridges because that is the end of things. But sometimes it's not the end at all. Sometimes it's the beginning of something else. Or sometimes a force bigger than your own or anyone's can bring it right back.
Sometimes I want to hug that force. Sometimes I want to punch it in the face and yell, "Fuck Right OFF!"
Other times I don't know what to do with it, except write about it. Fucking emo.
You can burn bridges, but somebody's going to rebuild that shit.
Fifth grade taught me that. When I was about ten my family moved to a tiny suburban neighborhood called Port St. John. It was a neighborhood built around the space industry. Everyone's parents worked for NASA, or some company under NASA, my mother included.
She and my stepfather bought this house, the first house I ever really lived in, other than when we lived with my grandparents for a while when we were real little. The first house that was ours.
That Christmas Santa Claus brought me a bike. My sister too. It was an awesome bike. We used to ride to school, just about a half-mile away. Atantis Elementary. A brand new school. Named after a shuttle of course. The neighboring elementary school was called Challenger. If I had gone to Titusville High School, instead of moving to Texas a few years later, my rival football team would have been Astronaut High School's.
I remember long summers, and riding our bikes to a ball park a couple miles away. At the nearby convenience store we'd buy candy and Snapple. Sometimes we'd get Tonguesplashers gum. Remember that stuff? Used to turn your whole mouth blue inside. It was the coolest.
The neighborhood wasn't finished. I'm sure it is much more crowded now. But just next to our school, in the woods, was our sanctuary. My sister Renee and I would cut through this trail cut out from the sidewalk, probably by kids, and cross this bridge into our imaginary lives. I remember this huge hill. Kind of like a valley. Covered with fallen leaves. Someone had tied a rope to a tree. We'd get on one side, let out a scream, and dive down, holding the rope, swinging all the way across the dip. It was the greatest.
And if we walked a little further into the woods, we came to our fort. I don't remember how we found it, but we made it ours. We'd climb this ladder made out of boards into the trees. We had two pliewood floors that we'd covered with extra pieces of linoleum we'd found. We had flowers to decorate, and a bucket tied to a neighboring limb we would send to each other up and down for supplies.
Sometimes when we'd go to our fort, the bridge leading to it would be destroyed. So you know what we would do? We'd fix it. Every single time. We'd rebuild it ourselves. Over and over. Put it back in place right as it had been.
Same thing with our fort. Sometimes we'd return to it to find it had been vandalized, or that our wood had been stolen. It might have been the neighborhood boys being jerks. But you know what we would do? We would rebuild it. Better and better. More wood. More decorations. It was the girliest treehouse ever, especially for a couple girls manly enough to build bridges and floors, fall down and scrape their knees on pavement and get up again. My sister had a skateboard even.
For some reason that came to mind. 'Cause I was just thinking about bridges. People say not to burn bridges because that is the end of things. But sometimes it's not the end at all. Sometimes it's the beginning of something else. Or sometimes a force bigger than your own or anyone's can bring it right back.
Sometimes I want to hug that force. Sometimes I want to punch it in the face and yell, "Fuck Right OFF!"
Other times I don't know what to do with it, except write about it. Fucking emo.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
It's almost morning.
Not to be a tool, but I really, really feel exactly like this right now, and I can't get the damn song out of my head:
"Creep"
-- Radiohead
When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice, when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here, ohhh ohhhh
She's running out the door...
She's running out, she's run, run, run, run....run....
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
Good night.
Not to be a tool, but I really, really feel exactly like this right now, and I can't get the damn song out of my head:
"Creep"
-- Radiohead
When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice, when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here, ohhh ohhhh
She's running out the door...
She's running out, she's run, run, run, run....run....
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
Good night.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Wanna always feel like part of this. was. mine.
wanna fall in love tonight ...
Ah, yes. Now, I recently read a post on a friend's blog about his favorite songs. Got me thinking about what my favorite songs are. That's fucking hard. Having a top 10 bands is agonizing enough as it is. Especially since the list I have doesn't even feel honest, since some of them were my favorites a few years ago and I get too nostalgic when I think about it to change them. Anyway, here's my effort. I'm just going to go with my favorite songs this very moment, no strings. Keep in mind I'm tired as shit and debatably (? hah) drunk.
In no particular order:
1. "Hit or Miss" -- New Found Glory. OK, this is THE BEST song ever.
2. "Man and Wife, the latter (Damaged Goods)" by Desaparecidos.
3. "The Martyr" by Cursive
4. "The Good Life" by Weezer, a toss-up between that, "El Scorcho," and "Only in Dreams" (i told you i am bad at this. i just can't give more than one of the top 10 to one band, agh).
5. "Transatlanticm" by Death Cab for Cutie, or any songs off the Transatlanticism album for that matter, especially "Passenger Seat," or "Song for Kelly Huckaby".
6. "Move to Bremerton" by mxpx
7. This is hard. Fuck it. More New Found Glory. Suckas. I'll have to go with "My Friends Over You!," "Failure's Not Flattering," "Forget My Name" or "Who am I?" Yep.
8. Blondie -- "Accidents Never Happen." Hands. Fucking. Down.
9. Ani Difranco -- "Gravel"
10. The Rolling Stones -- "Can't You Hear Me Knockin'" Fuck yeah.
Um, some more that come to mind:
*Pretty Girls Make Graves -- "The Getaway"
*The Roots -- "The Seed 2.0 (feat. Cody Chestnutt)"
*Jill Scott -- "Love Rain"
*The Beatles -- "Hey Jude", "Can't Buy Me Love", "Eleanor Rigby." Oh, man.
*Radiohead -- "Knives Out." Anything off The Bends. "Karma Police."
*The Police -- just about anything off the classics. ah.
i'm tired now. this makes my brain hurt. let's not forget all the really excellent rilo kiley songs, and there are many. MANY. arg.
now i have "De do do do, De da da da" in my head, so I'ma say I'm listenin' to that, K? Bye.
Agh! And I almost forgot JEW! the song I made reference to in this very title. "A Praise Chorus." Thank you.
Also would like to recommend "What do I get?" by the Buzzcocks, "C30 C60 C90" by Bow Wow Wow. Yep. "Black Balloon" by The Goo Goo Dolls. What muthafuckas? And what. And also "Santa Monica" and "White Men in Black Suits" by Everclear. And I'm pretty sure anything off Building Something Out of Nothing by Modest Mouse would work. Or "Bury Me with it" off the most recent album. And I know I'm missing many a Cake song. I need to stop now or I'll never sleep.
Thaaaaank you.
wanna fall in love tonight ...
Ah, yes. Now, I recently read a post on a friend's blog about his favorite songs. Got me thinking about what my favorite songs are. That's fucking hard. Having a top 10 bands is agonizing enough as it is. Especially since the list I have doesn't even feel honest, since some of them were my favorites a few years ago and I get too nostalgic when I think about it to change them. Anyway, here's my effort. I'm just going to go with my favorite songs this very moment, no strings. Keep in mind I'm tired as shit and debatably (? hah) drunk.
In no particular order:
1. "Hit or Miss" -- New Found Glory. OK, this is THE BEST song ever.
2. "Man and Wife, the latter (Damaged Goods)" by Desaparecidos.
3. "The Martyr" by Cursive
4. "The Good Life" by Weezer, a toss-up between that, "El Scorcho," and "Only in Dreams" (i told you i am bad at this. i just can't give more than one of the top 10 to one band, agh).
5. "Transatlanticm" by Death Cab for Cutie, or any songs off the Transatlanticism album for that matter, especially "Passenger Seat," or "Song for Kelly Huckaby".
6. "Move to Bremerton" by mxpx
7. This is hard. Fuck it. More New Found Glory. Suckas. I'll have to go with "My Friends Over You!," "Failure's Not Flattering," "Forget My Name" or "Who am I?" Yep.
8. Blondie -- "Accidents Never Happen." Hands. Fucking. Down.
9. Ani Difranco -- "Gravel"
10. The Rolling Stones -- "Can't You Hear Me Knockin'" Fuck yeah.
Um, some more that come to mind:
*Pretty Girls Make Graves -- "The Getaway"
*The Roots -- "The Seed 2.0 (feat. Cody Chestnutt)"
*Jill Scott -- "Love Rain"
*The Beatles -- "Hey Jude", "Can't Buy Me Love", "Eleanor Rigby." Oh, man.
*Radiohead -- "Knives Out." Anything off The Bends. "Karma Police."
*The Police -- just about anything off the classics. ah.
i'm tired now. this makes my brain hurt. let's not forget all the really excellent rilo kiley songs, and there are many. MANY. arg.
now i have "De do do do, De da da da" in my head, so I'ma say I'm listenin' to that, K? Bye.
Agh! And I almost forgot JEW! the song I made reference to in this very title. "A Praise Chorus." Thank you.
Also would like to recommend "What do I get?" by the Buzzcocks, "C30 C60 C90" by Bow Wow Wow. Yep. "Black Balloon" by The Goo Goo Dolls. What muthafuckas? And what. And also "Santa Monica" and "White Men in Black Suits" by Everclear. And I'm pretty sure anything off Building Something Out of Nothing by Modest Mouse would work. Or "Bury Me with it" off the most recent album. And I know I'm missing many a Cake song. I need to stop now or I'll never sleep.
Thaaaaank you.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Things I love:
1. Going to the park.
2. Playing my guitar.
3. Pizza.
4. Pop-punk!
5. My friends.
6. Seattle.
7. Summer camp!
8. The Conversation Heart. Just added them today. Yay Brandon!
9. Boys.
10. Italian.
11. Dance Dance Revolution.
Things I hate:
1. Lying.
2. Being in denial.
3. Kools, but I'm fo' sho' smoking 'em 'cause I got some for free.
4. Working. Mostly because I can always think of something better to do. Like this Friday. Can't go to Numbers. I'm working.
5. Bills.
6. Traffic tickets.
7. Getting all excited about going to a movie and finding out it sucks.
8. Boys.
9. Trivial Pursuit. Hah.
Meh.
Things I want to learn:
1. Italian fluently.
2. French.
3. Spanish.
4. Japanese.
5. Portuguese.
6. Russian. Why the fuck not?
7. How to string my own damn guitars. I know. It's so lame.
8. How to read my own mind, and maybe some other people's.
9. Geography. Seriously, I don't know shit.
10. Physics and Calculus.
Things I want to do:
1. Start running again.
2. Quit smoking.
3. Graduate in three semesters. Or four. Just soon.
4. Play open mics. Or for more people.
5. Write more songs.
6. Learn the above mentioned things.
7. Eat healthier. I don't know. Find a super healthy pizza?
8. Save up a shitload of money.
9. Take a trip somewhere. Anywhere. Soon.
10. Go to a fucking show. It's been forever.
Things I want to pick-up:
1. Comic books.
2. Skydiving.
3. Science fiction.
4. Sports. Like soccer, even though I suck.
5. Anime movies. Good ones.
6. More foreign films.
7. More new music. Foreign stuff too. MORE POP-PUNK!
8. Rollerskates.
9. Iceskates.
10. Boys. Hah.
1. Going to the park.
2. Playing my guitar.
3. Pizza.
4. Pop-punk!
5. My friends.
6. Seattle.
7. Summer camp!
8. The Conversation Heart. Just added them today. Yay Brandon!
9. Boys.
10. Italian.
11. Dance Dance Revolution.
Things I hate:
1. Lying.
2. Being in denial.
3. Kools, but I'm fo' sho' smoking 'em 'cause I got some for free.
4. Working. Mostly because I can always think of something better to do. Like this Friday. Can't go to Numbers. I'm working.
5. Bills.
6. Traffic tickets.
7. Getting all excited about going to a movie and finding out it sucks.
8. Boys.
9. Trivial Pursuit. Hah.
Meh.
Things I want to learn:
1. Italian fluently.
2. French.
3. Spanish.
4. Japanese.
5. Portuguese.
6. Russian. Why the fuck not?
7. How to string my own damn guitars. I know. It's so lame.
8. How to read my own mind, and maybe some other people's.
9. Geography. Seriously, I don't know shit.
10. Physics and Calculus.
Things I want to do:
1. Start running again.
2. Quit smoking.
3. Graduate in three semesters. Or four. Just soon.
4. Play open mics. Or for more people.
5. Write more songs.
6. Learn the above mentioned things.
7. Eat healthier. I don't know. Find a super healthy pizza?
8. Save up a shitload of money.
9. Take a trip somewhere. Anywhere. Soon.
10. Go to a fucking show. It's been forever.
Things I want to pick-up:
1. Comic books.
2. Skydiving.
3. Science fiction.
4. Sports. Like soccer, even though I suck.
5. Anime movies. Good ones.
6. More foreign films.
7. More new music. Foreign stuff too. MORE POP-PUNK!
8. Rollerskates.
9. Iceskates.
10. Boys. Hah.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
She said she had her one'a them there stories to tell.
I changed my major yesterday. From theater, haha, to communication -- media studies. And I'm going to minor in Italian studies. It's super general, but I'm stoked. The thing is I realized this is the best thing for me. I'm going to get a broad view of the communication world, entertainment and information. How the industry works in management, programming, production, and publicity. Sort of a variation of what I was going to study with the music business thing in Austin last fall.
It's cool because this way I'm giving myself the next couple years to learn more so I can make a better informed decision about what I would like to specialize in, whether it's business or law or some other kind of masters. And I want to speak Italian fluently, so the minor's a good way to start.
***
So it appears Jeff and I are actually becoming friends. Good friends. I didn't think it was possible, and it probably wouldn't have been, except for an accidental meeting at a bar a couple weeks ago. I was on my way out of Poison Girl with Anja and Aaron, when Nikki and Jeff walked in. We were going to Sliders next and invited them along.
Jeff and I really hit it off, which shouldn't be surprising, considering how long we were together, but it was. Since then we've hung out a few times. Saturday night I went to a friend's birthday party, and he was there so we talked a lot. Then Monday night was my first night back at Slicks. Yes, I am working again, but only staying there until June when I leave for camp. They know that and they're cool with it, which rules. Jeff and another friend, James came to visit me at work. We hung out today too. Didn't really do much. Just had lunch, and played guitar. Played Trivial Pursuit with my sister. She won. I suck at that game.
Anyway, I'm glad this happened because through it I've realized just how bitter and angry I was for a long time. Even when I saw him at that show in October, and I thought I was trying to be nice to him by saying hi, and he ignored me because he was still angry. The truth is I was angry too, and probably only said hi 'cause I subconsciously knew he would do that, and it gave me free reign to talk shit.
Man, realizing that you've been wrong or acting like a bitch is tough. I've been doing it a lot lately. But I'm not angry anymore.
In fact, it's cool because in all my relationships, or most of them, I could look back and remember the good times. I could say, "Well, that was fun, but it didn't work out."
Except in Jeff's case. I only remembered the bad things for a long, long time. I was so angry. But it wasn't always liked that. And even after it all I could still say I loved the hell out of that boy. Except I forgot why.
Hanging out with him has helped me to remember why. I needed to know that. It's because he makes me laugh. And we have a good time together. And we act all silly and shit. Shit, we were together for so long that we didn't have to communicate to communicate, you know?
I loved him for a million-and-one reasons, and I'd forgotten them all. That's just sad. Heartbreaking really. Every little thing he did. All his mannerisms, and his laugh.
It still surprises me why he's being nice to me at all. After everything. He's not exactly the same. We've both changed in ways.
***
Lots of boys to mention. Ah, would I be Cara if I didn't? The post about the boy getting on the plane was about my friend Guillermo. Guillermo who I believe I've had on a pedestal for some time, unhealthy or not.
Here's the story. We've been friends since we were 16. I met him when he was dating my best friend Amanda, which is hilarious now when I realize how trivial that all really was, but what a big deal it was in high school that my best friend had a boyfriend at all. Seriously, I had two best girl friends, and the three of us were inseparable. Only maybe a couple times did any of us have a boyfriend, any of us not being me. So Ama dated Guillermo, but she also dated one of his best friends right before him, and that's how I met the whole group of guys. 'Cause Guillo's been hanging out with the same people since high school. His friends all went to college with him, but I digress.
OK, so one day, we're teenagers and we're staying up all night playing Goldeneye. The next day we're adults, and we've been to college, and I have this crazy crush on him that came out of nowhere. Insane. I didn't know what to do with it. Still don't. I knew him for years before I even felt anything and then boom, hit me like a fucking freight train. All the sudden it's like, who is this guy?
I couldn't give it too much thought because shortly after he moved to Germany. He's an engineer and went out there to work for three years. That was more than a year ago. So he's there. I'm here. He'll come to town. Sometimes I'll have a boyfriend. Sometimes I won't. And we'll e-mail each other sporadically. Or pretty regularly.
Last few times he came to town, which are months apart of course, I kept feeling even more infatuated than before.
Now, a girl like me knows better than to trust her own feelings some of the time. And damn it if I was going to throw away eight years of friendship on some schoolgirl thing. But it's been getting worse and worse, to the point where whenever he leaves I feel this horrible regret and longing, kicking myself and shit.
Finally this time, I was going to do it. He came to town for a few days. We had a blast. Played soccer with his friends at Memorial Park. Had coffee. Had dinner with his dad. So I did it. I told him. The last night he was here.
The next day I knew that was it. He was on a plane. His job sent him to North Carolina for a couple months, so he's in the states now. They cut his vacation short from two weeks to about a week. He was supposed to go work in Paris but his company sent him there instead, last minute.
Since he left we've been talking on the phone every couple days. He's coming back next month for a short visit, and wants me to go see him before he goes back to Europe in June.
I'm still thinking about it. It's so crazy. I'm looking forward to seeing him, but it's hard to know what's going to happen. This is so hard, long distance. I don't think that's what either of us want. Of course. It's so far, and it's not like we're ready to settle down.
I don't know, and for once I don't want to know, where this is going. Haven't had the talk. Don't really need to at this point. I was incredibly happy when I found out things are pretty mutual, but now the question is, what's the question? What do we do?
***
And while we're on the subject, I sort of realized something last night, while talking out loud, over dinner and a margarita with my friend Luis.
A couple months ago I wrote a post where I quoted Dream for an Insomniac by saying "Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of your time."
I've gotten away from that, and what it meant.
I always think about being with Trevor as the prototype of the best relationship I ever had. Reason being because we had so much fun together. We were so spontaneous. And crazy. And candid with our words.
We never fought about much. We always let things that could've been arguments slide. Mostly, at least on my side, because they seemed insignificant when measured against the fact that we wanted to be together. So much.
And we knew our time together was limited, so things that might have been issues just seemed like such petty bull shit.
The thing is, or what's been bothering me lately, is that we both knew we were moving, so it couldn't be any other way. But why did I have to have a plane ticket, and a dream of going somewhere else, you know, with my suitcase packed so to speak, to be able to love like that?
When did everything get so complicated?
***
I've also been thinking about the Wes situation more and more. After re-reading that last post, where I told you about what happened, I realized that I had been angry, and not entirely justifiably so.
I must've sent him as many mixed signals as he dealt me. I mean, one minute I'm telling him it doesn't matter and I was glad we fixed things early enough so that we could be friends. The next minute I slighted him for not kissing me good night.
And I lied about not wanting a relationship and wanting to keep things casual, and believed my own lies.
And I misinterpreted just about everything he said until way after the fact. When he was trying to be honest. Maybe in a nice way, but sugarcoated or not, he was. I think he could have told me anything and I would have believed whatever I wanted to believe because I really liked him. Seriously, it's hard for me to even understand now, after thinking about everything he said, that I could have in any way misunderstood that for something else.
Then I labeled him as a typical guy, and quite harshly, when maybe I was acting like a typical girl. I was, I realize now. Ugh. And I wonder why things fell apart ... NOT. (sigh.)
***
I guess that's it. Just wanted to leave an update, of some kind. G'night everybody. Hope we all get some peace in our minds. I'm workin' on it.
I changed my major yesterday. From theater, haha, to communication -- media studies. And I'm going to minor in Italian studies. It's super general, but I'm stoked. The thing is I realized this is the best thing for me. I'm going to get a broad view of the communication world, entertainment and information. How the industry works in management, programming, production, and publicity. Sort of a variation of what I was going to study with the music business thing in Austin last fall.
It's cool because this way I'm giving myself the next couple years to learn more so I can make a better informed decision about what I would like to specialize in, whether it's business or law or some other kind of masters. And I want to speak Italian fluently, so the minor's a good way to start.
***
So it appears Jeff and I are actually becoming friends. Good friends. I didn't think it was possible, and it probably wouldn't have been, except for an accidental meeting at a bar a couple weeks ago. I was on my way out of Poison Girl with Anja and Aaron, when Nikki and Jeff walked in. We were going to Sliders next and invited them along.
Jeff and I really hit it off, which shouldn't be surprising, considering how long we were together, but it was. Since then we've hung out a few times. Saturday night I went to a friend's birthday party, and he was there so we talked a lot. Then Monday night was my first night back at Slicks. Yes, I am working again, but only staying there until June when I leave for camp. They know that and they're cool with it, which rules. Jeff and another friend, James came to visit me at work. We hung out today too. Didn't really do much. Just had lunch, and played guitar. Played Trivial Pursuit with my sister. She won. I suck at that game.
Anyway, I'm glad this happened because through it I've realized just how bitter and angry I was for a long time. Even when I saw him at that show in October, and I thought I was trying to be nice to him by saying hi, and he ignored me because he was still angry. The truth is I was angry too, and probably only said hi 'cause I subconsciously knew he would do that, and it gave me free reign to talk shit.
Man, realizing that you've been wrong or acting like a bitch is tough. I've been doing it a lot lately. But I'm not angry anymore.
In fact, it's cool because in all my relationships, or most of them, I could look back and remember the good times. I could say, "Well, that was fun, but it didn't work out."
Except in Jeff's case. I only remembered the bad things for a long, long time. I was so angry. But it wasn't always liked that. And even after it all I could still say I loved the hell out of that boy. Except I forgot why.
Hanging out with him has helped me to remember why. I needed to know that. It's because he makes me laugh. And we have a good time together. And we act all silly and shit. Shit, we were together for so long that we didn't have to communicate to communicate, you know?
I loved him for a million-and-one reasons, and I'd forgotten them all. That's just sad. Heartbreaking really. Every little thing he did. All his mannerisms, and his laugh.
It still surprises me why he's being nice to me at all. After everything. He's not exactly the same. We've both changed in ways.
***
Lots of boys to mention. Ah, would I be Cara if I didn't? The post about the boy getting on the plane was about my friend Guillermo. Guillermo who I believe I've had on a pedestal for some time, unhealthy or not.
Here's the story. We've been friends since we were 16. I met him when he was dating my best friend Amanda, which is hilarious now when I realize how trivial that all really was, but what a big deal it was in high school that my best friend had a boyfriend at all. Seriously, I had two best girl friends, and the three of us were inseparable. Only maybe a couple times did any of us have a boyfriend, any of us not being me. So Ama dated Guillermo, but she also dated one of his best friends right before him, and that's how I met the whole group of guys. 'Cause Guillo's been hanging out with the same people since high school. His friends all went to college with him, but I digress.
OK, so one day, we're teenagers and we're staying up all night playing Goldeneye. The next day we're adults, and we've been to college, and I have this crazy crush on him that came out of nowhere. Insane. I didn't know what to do with it. Still don't. I knew him for years before I even felt anything and then boom, hit me like a fucking freight train. All the sudden it's like, who is this guy?
I couldn't give it too much thought because shortly after he moved to Germany. He's an engineer and went out there to work for three years. That was more than a year ago. So he's there. I'm here. He'll come to town. Sometimes I'll have a boyfriend. Sometimes I won't. And we'll e-mail each other sporadically. Or pretty regularly.
Last few times he came to town, which are months apart of course, I kept feeling even more infatuated than before.
Now, a girl like me knows better than to trust her own feelings some of the time. And damn it if I was going to throw away eight years of friendship on some schoolgirl thing. But it's been getting worse and worse, to the point where whenever he leaves I feel this horrible regret and longing, kicking myself and shit.
Finally this time, I was going to do it. He came to town for a few days. We had a blast. Played soccer with his friends at Memorial Park. Had coffee. Had dinner with his dad. So I did it. I told him. The last night he was here.
The next day I knew that was it. He was on a plane. His job sent him to North Carolina for a couple months, so he's in the states now. They cut his vacation short from two weeks to about a week. He was supposed to go work in Paris but his company sent him there instead, last minute.
Since he left we've been talking on the phone every couple days. He's coming back next month for a short visit, and wants me to go see him before he goes back to Europe in June.
I'm still thinking about it. It's so crazy. I'm looking forward to seeing him, but it's hard to know what's going to happen. This is so hard, long distance. I don't think that's what either of us want. Of course. It's so far, and it's not like we're ready to settle down.
I don't know, and for once I don't want to know, where this is going. Haven't had the talk. Don't really need to at this point. I was incredibly happy when I found out things are pretty mutual, but now the question is, what's the question? What do we do?
***
And while we're on the subject, I sort of realized something last night, while talking out loud, over dinner and a margarita with my friend Luis.
A couple months ago I wrote a post where I quoted Dream for an Insomniac by saying "Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of your time."
I've gotten away from that, and what it meant.
I always think about being with Trevor as the prototype of the best relationship I ever had. Reason being because we had so much fun together. We were so spontaneous. And crazy. And candid with our words.
We never fought about much. We always let things that could've been arguments slide. Mostly, at least on my side, because they seemed insignificant when measured against the fact that we wanted to be together. So much.
And we knew our time together was limited, so things that might have been issues just seemed like such petty bull shit.
The thing is, or what's been bothering me lately, is that we both knew we were moving, so it couldn't be any other way. But why did I have to have a plane ticket, and a dream of going somewhere else, you know, with my suitcase packed so to speak, to be able to love like that?
When did everything get so complicated?
***
I've also been thinking about the Wes situation more and more. After re-reading that last post, where I told you about what happened, I realized that I had been angry, and not entirely justifiably so.
I must've sent him as many mixed signals as he dealt me. I mean, one minute I'm telling him it doesn't matter and I was glad we fixed things early enough so that we could be friends. The next minute I slighted him for not kissing me good night.
And I lied about not wanting a relationship and wanting to keep things casual, and believed my own lies.
And I misinterpreted just about everything he said until way after the fact. When he was trying to be honest. Maybe in a nice way, but sugarcoated or not, he was. I think he could have told me anything and I would have believed whatever I wanted to believe because I really liked him. Seriously, it's hard for me to even understand now, after thinking about everything he said, that I could have in any way misunderstood that for something else.
Then I labeled him as a typical guy, and quite harshly, when maybe I was acting like a typical girl. I was, I realize now. Ugh. And I wonder why things fell apart ... NOT. (sigh.)
***
I guess that's it. Just wanted to leave an update, of some kind. G'night everybody. Hope we all get some peace in our minds. I'm workin' on it.
Friday, April 08, 2005
I want a pony!
Ok, not really. I'm being such a slacker today. Well, lately even. I haven't done anything today. I wonder what I should be doing. A few things come to mind: quitting smoking, running, cleaning the house, Italian homework, a load of laundry. Meh.
So, the things about it is, sometimes I think I'm becoming lazy and shallow. But I'm happier, so I'm not sure what I want to do about it.
'Cause sometimes I say things, and I feel like they're wrong, but I can't help it.
I also say things out of habit. Things I am used to believing, but don't anymore. Recycled beliefs. Like when I tell everyone my five favorite bands are Weezer, Rilo Kiley, Jimmy Eat World, Cursive, and DCfC.
I love them all. I really do. But I developed that list when I was 22. It's not exactly what I'm listening to lately.
Same thing with being single. Fuck. Wes and I had a state-of-the-relationship talk like three weeks ago. And he pulled out the whole "I've been single for a long time, blah, blah, blah ... You're the coolest girl I ever dated, blah, blah, blah ..."
And I agreed with the stuff about singledom. I was like, "I don't want a relationship right now, blah, blah, blah ... I have baggage too, blah, blah, blah ... I'm not looking for anything ..."
And then he said he didn't know if he could casually date someone, and that he couldn't separate sex from emotions, which I've never heard a man on this friggen earth say and told him so ...
Yeah, so when I went to kiss him goodnight, there wasn't much on the other side. There was small moment, which I ignored, where I knew that was it.
Even so, at first I was angry. But now I'm like, who cares. I'm more angry about the fact that I lied. Because the truth is, out of context, I did mean what I was saying. That's the kind of crap I say all the time, and I mostly mean it.
I like my life. I wouldn't settle for anyone I didn't think was special. But I thought he was special, or I wouldn't have bothered to date him.
This surprisingly hurts way less than it feels like it should. For the most part, I'm cool. Except I miss hangin' out with him.
C'mon. Who else would sing Oasis, Clarence Carter, The Darkness, and the Beastie Boys all in one night's karaoke? Oh, well.
Ok, not really. I'm being such a slacker today. Well, lately even. I haven't done anything today. I wonder what I should be doing. A few things come to mind: quitting smoking, running, cleaning the house, Italian homework, a load of laundry. Meh.
So, the things about it is, sometimes I think I'm becoming lazy and shallow. But I'm happier, so I'm not sure what I want to do about it.
'Cause sometimes I say things, and I feel like they're wrong, but I can't help it.
I also say things out of habit. Things I am used to believing, but don't anymore. Recycled beliefs. Like when I tell everyone my five favorite bands are Weezer, Rilo Kiley, Jimmy Eat World, Cursive, and DCfC.
I love them all. I really do. But I developed that list when I was 22. It's not exactly what I'm listening to lately.
Same thing with being single. Fuck. Wes and I had a state-of-the-relationship talk like three weeks ago. And he pulled out the whole "I've been single for a long time, blah, blah, blah ... You're the coolest girl I ever dated, blah, blah, blah ..."
And I agreed with the stuff about singledom. I was like, "I don't want a relationship right now, blah, blah, blah ... I have baggage too, blah, blah, blah ... I'm not looking for anything ..."
And then he said he didn't know if he could casually date someone, and that he couldn't separate sex from emotions, which I've never heard a man on this friggen earth say and told him so ...
Yeah, so when I went to kiss him goodnight, there wasn't much on the other side. There was small moment, which I ignored, where I knew that was it.
Even so, at first I was angry. But now I'm like, who cares. I'm more angry about the fact that I lied. Because the truth is, out of context, I did mean what I was saying. That's the kind of crap I say all the time, and I mostly mean it.
I like my life. I wouldn't settle for anyone I didn't think was special. But I thought he was special, or I wouldn't have bothered to date him.
This surprisingly hurts way less than it feels like it should. For the most part, I'm cool. Except I miss hangin' out with him.
C'mon. Who else would sing Oasis, Clarence Carter, The Darkness, and the Beastie Boys all in one night's karaoke? Oh, well.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Not to be a tease ...
Since only some of you will know what I'm talking about here, but ...
I told him! And the results were, uh, in the affirmative!
And he will be on a plane later this afternoon, once again, but maybe, just maybe, if he looks out the window he might be able to see me waving at him from one of those clouds.
Good day.
Since only some of you will know what I'm talking about here, but ...
I told him! And the results were, uh, in the affirmative!
And he will be on a plane later this afternoon, once again, but maybe, just maybe, if he looks out the window he might be able to see me waving at him from one of those clouds.
Good day.
