Wednesday, June 22, 2011
6/21/11
My father died a year ago today. Being that he died the day after Father's Day, and that I was surrounded and bombarded with Father's Day images, special offers, and consumerism all last week, I was feeling a little emotional and even had to hold back tears at a few random times, such as at work and on the train. I even cried while walking my dog.
But overall, I feel better today. I think it's because yesterday I realized something. Yesterday I realized that over the last year, of all the conflicting and complex emotions I have felt, the overwhelming one that eclipses all the others is the fact that I miss my old man.
I could take this fact and regret that it had been so long since we'd spoken and use it to beat myself up; or, I can be grateful for that feeling: to no longer be engulfed in anger or sadness -- just pangs of missing him.
I miss him because he was my daddy. I miss him because of all those pieces of me that were him. I miss him because he made me laugh. Perhaps most importantly, I miss him because he never judged me, always loved and accepted me, and always seemed proud --just of me existing.
A year ago I wrote that I hoped in your death I could forgive you. For now, missing you is enough. It gives me hope that I will get there, and that over time, things will continue to hurt even less and that only good memories will remain, memories of who you were, and who you wanted to be.
My father died a year ago today. Being that he died the day after Father's Day, and that I was surrounded and bombarded with Father's Day images, special offers, and consumerism all last week, I was feeling a little emotional and even had to hold back tears at a few random times, such as at work and on the train. I even cried while walking my dog.
But overall, I feel better today. I think it's because yesterday I realized something. Yesterday I realized that over the last year, of all the conflicting and complex emotions I have felt, the overwhelming one that eclipses all the others is the fact that I miss my old man.
I could take this fact and regret that it had been so long since we'd spoken and use it to beat myself up; or, I can be grateful for that feeling: to no longer be engulfed in anger or sadness -- just pangs of missing him.
I miss him because he was my daddy. I miss him because of all those pieces of me that were him. I miss him because he made me laugh. Perhaps most importantly, I miss him because he never judged me, always loved and accepted me, and always seemed proud --just of me existing.
A year ago I wrote that I hoped in your death I could forgive you. For now, missing you is enough. It gives me hope that I will get there, and that over time, things will continue to hurt even less and that only good memories will remain, memories of who you were, and who you wanted to be.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Notes from the Road - 5/15/11
Just on the road from seeing The Grand Canyon for the first time. We are a couple of hours from In-N-Out burger, and then it's on to Bakersfield.
Tomorrow we will head from Bakersfield to our new home in Walnut Creek. It's hard to write in the car. It's cramped and piled high in the back. The dogs are asleep on the pile -- we covered up our bags with their blankets.
I have to say the Grand Canyon is one of the most spectacular things I've ever seen. Would love to spend more time there someday.
Speaking of someday, it IS someday! I can't tell you how many times in my life I have thought, When am I going to be happy? When am I going to find someone? When am I going to get the hell out of Houston? When's my turn? It took a long, long time, but I think I've learned the secret to happiness -- it's creating it. It's letting go of the past, savoring the only life you have, and setting goals, and reaching them through one small step at a time.
It's been quite a journey, yet it's also a new beginning. Instead of grad school, and becoming a teacher, I got a job. I will be commuting every day to Downtown SF. I just know I'm going to love it. We're moving to possibly the most fun city in the world! It's beautiful, and full of stuff to do, and full of transplants just like me.
I'm not homesick. I expect to be sometime. I wish I could have spent more time with some people like Renee and my niece. She's really special. But all in all technology is awesome. I will still email Mer like every day, and I'll call my Grandma once a week, and Renee's getting Skype, I think. There is too much to be excited about right now. Too much to be grateful for. I know these times will have their challenges, but I am confident that I can handle them. I'm just ready to enjoy the present for a little while.
I wrote seven years ago that I wanted love in my life. I wanted to love my job, and to have someone to love who would love me back, and to live in a place that I love just as much. It's a tall order, but I'm remembering that, and feeling damn lucky, and ever so grateful. Just really happy.
Just on the road from seeing The Grand Canyon for the first time. We are a couple of hours from In-N-Out burger, and then it's on to Bakersfield.
Tomorrow we will head from Bakersfield to our new home in Walnut Creek. It's hard to write in the car. It's cramped and piled high in the back. The dogs are asleep on the pile -- we covered up our bags with their blankets.
I have to say the Grand Canyon is one of the most spectacular things I've ever seen. Would love to spend more time there someday.
Speaking of someday, it IS someday! I can't tell you how many times in my life I have thought, When am I going to be happy? When am I going to find someone? When am I going to get the hell out of Houston? When's my turn? It took a long, long time, but I think I've learned the secret to happiness -- it's creating it. It's letting go of the past, savoring the only life you have, and setting goals, and reaching them through one small step at a time.
It's been quite a journey, yet it's also a new beginning. Instead of grad school, and becoming a teacher, I got a job. I will be commuting every day to Downtown SF. I just know I'm going to love it. We're moving to possibly the most fun city in the world! It's beautiful, and full of stuff to do, and full of transplants just like me.
I'm not homesick. I expect to be sometime. I wish I could have spent more time with some people like Renee and my niece. She's really special. But all in all technology is awesome. I will still email Mer like every day, and I'll call my Grandma once a week, and Renee's getting Skype, I think. There is too much to be excited about right now. Too much to be grateful for. I know these times will have their challenges, but I am confident that I can handle them. I'm just ready to enjoy the present for a little while.
I wrote seven years ago that I wanted love in my life. I wanted to love my job, and to have someone to love who would love me back, and to live in a place that I love just as much. It's a tall order, but I'm remembering that, and feeling damn lucky, and ever so grateful. Just really happy.
