Saturday, October 24, 2009
Red Kryptonite
This blog hasn't been public for some time now. Yet, I still have not gone out on the limb I used to so far as my personal life. I suppose a few things have been on the brain lately. Besides thinking about grad school and planning a wedding, and going out for sushi on Fridays, there are at least three things I've been dealing with that sometimes infringe on my happiness.
One is that I have recently been diagnosed with PMDD. This is something I've been working on for the past year. I did some reading and research, finally tracked my symptoms for a few months, then went to get help. PMDD has no clear-cut solutions. When looking at treatments, most women and doctors seem to use trial and error. I am just glad to be getting help. The symptoms are completely awful. I believe I have actually been going through this for about 15 years, but through all of my 20s, particularly after 24/25, it's been getting worse, and the disorder is actually known to get worse, as you get older, as you have children, until it stops with menopause. Yay! - not.
I can't even begin to comprehend how much of an impact this has had on my life. I can remember times where my world was going completely crazy, where I had breakups or other awful things, and I'd remember getting my period, and thinking great, now this! But I never imagined that feeling of my life being upside down and then turning it upside down could have been tied to this, too.
I self-medicated with caffeine and alcohol all the time, which inevitably made it worse. Women with PMDD tend to overuse caffeine because of the fatigue it causes; caffeine increases nervousness, anxiety, and irritability. Alcohol makes the mood swings even worse, which has its own dangerous effects. I have given up caffeine recently. I wouldn't say completely, but I am still working on it. I don't have caffeine every day. I drink only caffeine-free soda. I don't really do decaf coffee anymore, either -- I found after quitting caffeinated, that even with decaf I can definitely feel the effects, and it feels awful. I rarely drink anymore, sometimes not for weeks in a stretch, but when I do I definitely pay attention to where I am in the month, and steer away from alcohol during PMDD time.
It is a blessing, though, that my life is in order enough that I was able to map out my migraines, headaches, cramps, irritability, bouts of insomnia, anxiety, nervousness, forgetfulness, difficulty concentrating, low moods, manic behaviors, and other pains in my body. It gives me hope that I can possibly have this one thing that has upset my stability for so long under control. And for now, although all these things take me over close to half of every month, between ovulation and the week before my period, at least now when the symptoms come I know what foods and drinks to stay away from, I know to exercise for sure to keep my mood elevated, and I know that the intense anger or sadness for no reason is internal and biological, rather than something external or horribly wrong with my life or myself. I can recognize my symptoms for what they are, try to be patient, lean on my future husband who has been amazing and strong in helping me deal with this, and handle things as logically as I can.
It is incredibly tiring, though, to have this thing hanging over your head, this thing that you have to plan around every month. I read this book that was recommended to me by a friend of a friend I was introduced to, who also has PMDD, and devotes her blog to it. The book helped me understand what I'm going through, and she helped me by letting me know I do not have to suffer, and never alone.
I went to see a neurologist earlier this week for the migraines. Migraines are separate from PMDD, but can in some cases, cluster around PMDD symptoms. Mine definitely do, so I'm getting help treating those. I also was approved to experiment with estrogen and progestin, or progesterone treatments; I wanted to make sure they were safe with me, because of my mom's history of stroke. He gave me medicine for my migraines, and approved my taking estrogen, since I quit smoking four months ago. But in the event estrogen makes my migraines worse, which is a possibility, I will have to opt for a birth control pill without estrogen to prevent pregnancy. In that case an antidepressant would also treat the PMDD. My gynecologist already prescribed me Zoloft, which PMDD patients can take 15 days out of the month or so. I know it has been proven to help women with this, but I wanted to explore all my treatment options before making a decision. I'm hanging onto the Zoloft prescription, but for now I am going to get an opinion from one more gynecologist, and then discuss what all these doctors have said with my primary physician, and we'll decide where to go from there.
I have a lot of hope now. Hope that I won't have to take another sick day because I'm afraid that if anyone talks to me on a certain day at a certain time in the month I might lash out and lose my job. There's also hope that I won't very much look forward to plans like hanging out with one of my best girlfriends, or attending another's engagement party, only have to cancel because I feel horrible inside and out and need to lie down on a couch and not be out in public doing anything. Hope that I won't say anything horrible that I won't mean one second later and hurt the people I love the most when I'm like Clark Kent meets red kryptonite. I can't wait to feel better 365 days a year. I can't wait to feel like myself all month, instead of one or two weeks of it.
This blog hasn't been public for some time now. Yet, I still have not gone out on the limb I used to so far as my personal life. I suppose a few things have been on the brain lately. Besides thinking about grad school and planning a wedding, and going out for sushi on Fridays, there are at least three things I've been dealing with that sometimes infringe on my happiness.
One is that I have recently been diagnosed with PMDD. This is something I've been working on for the past year. I did some reading and research, finally tracked my symptoms for a few months, then went to get help. PMDD has no clear-cut solutions. When looking at treatments, most women and doctors seem to use trial and error. I am just glad to be getting help. The symptoms are completely awful. I believe I have actually been going through this for about 15 years, but through all of my 20s, particularly after 24/25, it's been getting worse, and the disorder is actually known to get worse, as you get older, as you have children, until it stops with menopause. Yay! - not.
I can't even begin to comprehend how much of an impact this has had on my life. I can remember times where my world was going completely crazy, where I had breakups or other awful things, and I'd remember getting my period, and thinking great, now this! But I never imagined that feeling of my life being upside down and then turning it upside down could have been tied to this, too.
I self-medicated with caffeine and alcohol all the time, which inevitably made it worse. Women with PMDD tend to overuse caffeine because of the fatigue it causes; caffeine increases nervousness, anxiety, and irritability. Alcohol makes the mood swings even worse, which has its own dangerous effects. I have given up caffeine recently. I wouldn't say completely, but I am still working on it. I don't have caffeine every day. I drink only caffeine-free soda. I don't really do decaf coffee anymore, either -- I found after quitting caffeinated, that even with decaf I can definitely feel the effects, and it feels awful. I rarely drink anymore, sometimes not for weeks in a stretch, but when I do I definitely pay attention to where I am in the month, and steer away from alcohol during PMDD time.
It is a blessing, though, that my life is in order enough that I was able to map out my migraines, headaches, cramps, irritability, bouts of insomnia, anxiety, nervousness, forgetfulness, difficulty concentrating, low moods, manic behaviors, and other pains in my body. It gives me hope that I can possibly have this one thing that has upset my stability for so long under control. And for now, although all these things take me over close to half of every month, between ovulation and the week before my period, at least now when the symptoms come I know what foods and drinks to stay away from, I know to exercise for sure to keep my mood elevated, and I know that the intense anger or sadness for no reason is internal and biological, rather than something external or horribly wrong with my life or myself. I can recognize my symptoms for what they are, try to be patient, lean on my future husband who has been amazing and strong in helping me deal with this, and handle things as logically as I can.
It is incredibly tiring, though, to have this thing hanging over your head, this thing that you have to plan around every month. I read this book that was recommended to me by a friend of a friend I was introduced to, who also has PMDD, and devotes her blog to it. The book helped me understand what I'm going through, and she helped me by letting me know I do not have to suffer, and never alone.
I went to see a neurologist earlier this week for the migraines. Migraines are separate from PMDD, but can in some cases, cluster around PMDD symptoms. Mine definitely do, so I'm getting help treating those. I also was approved to experiment with estrogen and progestin, or progesterone treatments; I wanted to make sure they were safe with me, because of my mom's history of stroke. He gave me medicine for my migraines, and approved my taking estrogen, since I quit smoking four months ago. But in the event estrogen makes my migraines worse, which is a possibility, I will have to opt for a birth control pill without estrogen to prevent pregnancy. In that case an antidepressant would also treat the PMDD. My gynecologist already prescribed me Zoloft, which PMDD patients can take 15 days out of the month or so. I know it has been proven to help women with this, but I wanted to explore all my treatment options before making a decision. I'm hanging onto the Zoloft prescription, but for now I am going to get an opinion from one more gynecologist, and then discuss what all these doctors have said with my primary physician, and we'll decide where to go from there.
I have a lot of hope now. Hope that I won't have to take another sick day because I'm afraid that if anyone talks to me on a certain day at a certain time in the month I might lash out and lose my job. There's also hope that I won't very much look forward to plans like hanging out with one of my best girlfriends, or attending another's engagement party, only have to cancel because I feel horrible inside and out and need to lie down on a couch and not be out in public doing anything. Hope that I won't say anything horrible that I won't mean one second later and hurt the people I love the most when I'm like Clark Kent meets red kryptonite. I can't wait to feel better 365 days a year. I can't wait to feel like myself all month, instead of one or two weeks of it.
Labels: Books, Migraines, PMDD
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Who's Got Your Back?
We had this speaker fly in to town to talk to some undergraduate students. Man, was my boss excited! She even told one of his stories to us and it brought tears to her eyes through a smile, she was so excited. I thought, hey, I'll bite, so I checked out his blog. And I thought, all right. That's interesting.
But it wasn't until breakfast came, and we got to sit down with him for nearly two hours and talk before he gave the speech, that I became really excited too. This guy is a corporate executive, a CEO, a New York Times Bestselling author (twice!), and what's funny is that sounds more impressive just now as I typed it than it ever did. At the business school, especially in the career center. you hear a lot of corporate hoopla that sometimes is entertaining enough to well, entertain, but at the end of the day is just some schmuck claiming they have the answer, much like politics.
You can't help thinking that these bestsellers read by businessmen for and written for businessmen might have anything to apply to you, if you're like me, I suppose.
And this may sound pretty stupid, and maybe I was missing something in the first place, but he and the whole point behind his books told a much more human story than how to go out and network so people can bring you your millions. His story was mostly about healing.
He talked about how he had made it to the top and still didn't feel worth at all to be there, and how he was mostly alone and drowning and starting over, and this was after all the corporate success, and all the sales of the first book.
So yeah, the cynic in me could say he needed to say something to sell his second book, but he was just that genuine.
He healed through the relationships he formed, as well as through developing his spiritual life (He went to one of those 10 day Buddhist camps where you sit in silent meditation the whole time, for instance!), and also what seemed to me to be a little cognitive behavior theory (in a way of changing his own thinking and perspective, and breaking his "own glass ceilings", a phrase he borrowed from another businessman's book, which I quite liked.
He said the key is to know that 4% of the people of the world are assholes, but we guard ourselves with the skewed perception that it is the other way around. He said the key should be a handful of relationships, and he challenges his audience to find three, basically three people who are right there with you, who have their own goals, who will hold you accountable and vice versa, who will respect you and love you enough to remain honest at all costs, who will support you -- basically, three strong healthy relationships. These three lifelines as he called him, are part of the bigger picture that everybody needs before they can get anywhere, or at least before they can get there successfully and remain happy while they are doing it. It sounds so simple, but it's quite hard. Could you name three people in your life like that? If not, could you think of some you'd like to be?
Yet another simple piece of the puzzle that gets left out when we're off fighting the world's assholes and hanging tough is the ability to allow yourself to be vulnerable, which is also important.
Suppose something in that is what prompted the fiance and I to finally come clean about our engagement, first to the Assistant Dean, and then to the whole office. She was so excited she called an emergency meeting so we could tell everyone!
We set a date a couple of days ago, and thought it was time. I could already tell from just being honest for those few minutes is going to change our work life completely, and probably make us feel better at home, too. After all, we are no longer leading a double-life.
It felt so good to just be honest.
We had this speaker fly in to town to talk to some undergraduate students. Man, was my boss excited! She even told one of his stories to us and it brought tears to her eyes through a smile, she was so excited. I thought, hey, I'll bite, so I checked out his blog. And I thought, all right. That's interesting.
But it wasn't until breakfast came, and we got to sit down with him for nearly two hours and talk before he gave the speech, that I became really excited too. This guy is a corporate executive, a CEO, a New York Times Bestselling author (twice!), and what's funny is that sounds more impressive just now as I typed it than it ever did. At the business school, especially in the career center. you hear a lot of corporate hoopla that sometimes is entertaining enough to well, entertain, but at the end of the day is just some schmuck claiming they have the answer, much like politics.
You can't help thinking that these bestsellers read by businessmen for and written for businessmen might have anything to apply to you, if you're like me, I suppose.
And this may sound pretty stupid, and maybe I was missing something in the first place, but he and the whole point behind his books told a much more human story than how to go out and network so people can bring you your millions. His story was mostly about healing.
He talked about how he had made it to the top and still didn't feel worth at all to be there, and how he was mostly alone and drowning and starting over, and this was after all the corporate success, and all the sales of the first book.
So yeah, the cynic in me could say he needed to say something to sell his second book, but he was just that genuine.
He healed through the relationships he formed, as well as through developing his spiritual life (He went to one of those 10 day Buddhist camps where you sit in silent meditation the whole time, for instance!), and also what seemed to me to be a little cognitive behavior theory (in a way of changing his own thinking and perspective, and breaking his "own glass ceilings", a phrase he borrowed from another businessman's book, which I quite liked.
He said the key is to know that 4% of the people of the world are assholes, but we guard ourselves with the skewed perception that it is the other way around. He said the key should be a handful of relationships, and he challenges his audience to find three, basically three people who are right there with you, who have their own goals, who will hold you accountable and vice versa, who will respect you and love you enough to remain honest at all costs, who will support you -- basically, three strong healthy relationships. These three lifelines as he called him, are part of the bigger picture that everybody needs before they can get anywhere, or at least before they can get there successfully and remain happy while they are doing it. It sounds so simple, but it's quite hard. Could you name three people in your life like that? If not, could you think of some you'd like to be?
Yet another simple piece of the puzzle that gets left out when we're off fighting the world's assholes and hanging tough is the ability to allow yourself to be vulnerable, which is also important.
Suppose something in that is what prompted the fiance and I to finally come clean about our engagement, first to the Assistant Dean, and then to the whole office. She was so excited she called an emergency meeting so we could tell everyone!
We set a date a couple of days ago, and thought it was time. I could already tell from just being honest for those few minutes is going to change our work life completely, and probably make us feel better at home, too. After all, we are no longer leading a double-life.
It felt so good to just be honest.
Labels: Advice, Books, Keith Ferrazzi
