Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Good Advice
As always, the new year has me thinking about lessons learned. I've been thinking in terms of advice people have given me over the years. Some of it wasn't always good. And for that which was good, some of it didn't always sink in right away. Some of it's harder to put into practice than to understand on the surface. I just wanted to post a couple, and maybe I will add more later. If you can think of anything, please don't be afraid to add yours as well!
1. "You don't have to love unconditionally."
-my first roommate in college
2. "If you are always waiting for someone to get where you are, then by the time they get there, you will be somewhere else."
-Gonzo
3. "Sometimes when life gives you a mixed bag of emotions you just need to pick out the good ones."
-Tom Albrecht
4. "Why you gotta act like you know when you don't know? It's OKAYYYYY that you don't know everything."
-Ben Folds
5. "Sometimes love just happens."
-Kelly McKee
6. "There's no such thing as good timing."
-something Gonzo and I have learned
7. "You underestimate your value on the dating market."
-someone told me that once, and I think too many people do that, so I'm putting it out there.
8. "True love is work, but it's worth the work."
-my Grandmother and my older sister, Beckie
9. "Tomorrow begins today."
-something I learned from reading Les Miserables
10. "Blood is not thicker than water."
-just something else I'm slowly beginning to grasp. Also related, "You can't chose your family, but you can chose your friends."
11. "Never say never."
-lots of people say that, but that's what my Grandmother said to me when I said I was never going to get married.
12. Also, miracles do happen. My mother is cancer free after a two year struggle - first with stage four colon cancer, then liver cancer, then a lump in her abdomen. And also, I graduated college after 10 years, which is a miracle in itself! Technology is a miracle. I can talk to my sister on camera in Russia using a Mac! They found evidence of water on the moon! Did I mention I'm getting married? OK, nuff said.
13. "You do not have to be a social construction."
-me
14. There's something I've been wanting to thank my friend Dallas Jones for awhile. One time when I was down and out about my mother being sick, and a crappy relationship I was in, and my overall place in the world, he said to me, "Cara, you are doing OK. You have a job. You have a nice place. I don't know why you feel the way you do. Look, you are doing fine. You just need to chill." And I was. Two things I learned from that are 1) If you look around, things are probably better than you think, and 2) Sometimes people just need to hear that. I needed to hear that I was OK, so thank you for that.
15. paraphrasing here, but Keith Ferrazzi says that with three lifelines, you can accomplish anything in life. Lifelines are the people who care about you, who support your goals, who hold you accountable for your actions. They are people you make time for, to catch up with, to check up on. They check up on you, too, see how you're doing. I think everybody needs that. And although the Internet and sites like this should make it easier to cultivate these relationships, for some reason, it almost makes it harder. So, I just think everybody should think about this. Who are your three? Who's lifeline would you want to be?
As always, the new year has me thinking about lessons learned. I've been thinking in terms of advice people have given me over the years. Some of it wasn't always good. And for that which was good, some of it didn't always sink in right away. Some of it's harder to put into practice than to understand on the surface. I just wanted to post a couple, and maybe I will add more later. If you can think of anything, please don't be afraid to add yours as well!
1. "You don't have to love unconditionally."
-my first roommate in college
2. "If you are always waiting for someone to get where you are, then by the time they get there, you will be somewhere else."
-Gonzo
3. "Sometimes when life gives you a mixed bag of emotions you just need to pick out the good ones."
-Tom Albrecht
4. "Why you gotta act like you know when you don't know? It's OKAYYYYY that you don't know everything."
-Ben Folds
5. "Sometimes love just happens."
-Kelly McKee
6. "There's no such thing as good timing."
-something Gonzo and I have learned
7. "You underestimate your value on the dating market."
-someone told me that once, and I think too many people do that, so I'm putting it out there.
8. "True love is work, but it's worth the work."
-my Grandmother and my older sister, Beckie
9. "Tomorrow begins today."
-something I learned from reading Les Miserables
10. "Blood is not thicker than water."
-just something else I'm slowly beginning to grasp. Also related, "You can't chose your family, but you can chose your friends."
11. "Never say never."
-lots of people say that, but that's what my Grandmother said to me when I said I was never going to get married.
12. Also, miracles do happen. My mother is cancer free after a two year struggle - first with stage four colon cancer, then liver cancer, then a lump in her abdomen. And also, I graduated college after 10 years, which is a miracle in itself! Technology is a miracle. I can talk to my sister on camera in Russia using a Mac! They found evidence of water on the moon! Did I mention I'm getting married? OK, nuff said.
13. "You do not have to be a social construction."
-me
14. There's something I've been wanting to thank my friend Dallas Jones for awhile. One time when I was down and out about my mother being sick, and a crappy relationship I was in, and my overall place in the world, he said to me, "Cara, you are doing OK. You have a job. You have a nice place. I don't know why you feel the way you do. Look, you are doing fine. You just need to chill." And I was. Two things I learned from that are 1) If you look around, things are probably better than you think, and 2) Sometimes people just need to hear that. I needed to hear that I was OK, so thank you for that.
15. paraphrasing here, but Keith Ferrazzi says that with three lifelines, you can accomplish anything in life. Lifelines are the people who care about you, who support your goals, who hold you accountable for your actions. They are people you make time for, to catch up with, to check up on. They check up on you, too, see how you're doing. I think everybody needs that. And although the Internet and sites like this should make it easier to cultivate these relationships, for some reason, it almost makes it harder. So, I just think everybody should think about this. Who are your three? Who's lifeline would you want to be?
Labels: Advice, Ben Folds, New Year's
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Who's Got Your Back?
We had this speaker fly in to town to talk to some undergraduate students. Man, was my boss excited! She even told one of his stories to us and it brought tears to her eyes through a smile, she was so excited. I thought, hey, I'll bite, so I checked out his blog. And I thought, all right. That's interesting.
But it wasn't until breakfast came, and we got to sit down with him for nearly two hours and talk before he gave the speech, that I became really excited too. This guy is a corporate executive, a CEO, a New York Times Bestselling author (twice!), and what's funny is that sounds more impressive just now as I typed it than it ever did. At the business school, especially in the career center. you hear a lot of corporate hoopla that sometimes is entertaining enough to well, entertain, but at the end of the day is just some schmuck claiming they have the answer, much like politics.
You can't help thinking that these bestsellers read by businessmen for and written for businessmen might have anything to apply to you, if you're like me, I suppose.
And this may sound pretty stupid, and maybe I was missing something in the first place, but he and the whole point behind his books told a much more human story than how to go out and network so people can bring you your millions. His story was mostly about healing.
He talked about how he had made it to the top and still didn't feel worth at all to be there, and how he was mostly alone and drowning and starting over, and this was after all the corporate success, and all the sales of the first book.
So yeah, the cynic in me could say he needed to say something to sell his second book, but he was just that genuine.
He healed through the relationships he formed, as well as through developing his spiritual life (He went to one of those 10 day Buddhist camps where you sit in silent meditation the whole time, for instance!), and also what seemed to me to be a little cognitive behavior theory (in a way of changing his own thinking and perspective, and breaking his "own glass ceilings", a phrase he borrowed from another businessman's book, which I quite liked.
He said the key is to know that 4% of the people of the world are assholes, but we guard ourselves with the skewed perception that it is the other way around. He said the key should be a handful of relationships, and he challenges his audience to find three, basically three people who are right there with you, who have their own goals, who will hold you accountable and vice versa, who will respect you and love you enough to remain honest at all costs, who will support you -- basically, three strong healthy relationships. These three lifelines as he called him, are part of the bigger picture that everybody needs before they can get anywhere, or at least before they can get there successfully and remain happy while they are doing it. It sounds so simple, but it's quite hard. Could you name three people in your life like that? If not, could you think of some you'd like to be?
Yet another simple piece of the puzzle that gets left out when we're off fighting the world's assholes and hanging tough is the ability to allow yourself to be vulnerable, which is also important.
Suppose something in that is what prompted the fiance and I to finally come clean about our engagement, first to the Assistant Dean, and then to the whole office. She was so excited she called an emergency meeting so we could tell everyone!
We set a date a couple of days ago, and thought it was time. I could already tell from just being honest for those few minutes is going to change our work life completely, and probably make us feel better at home, too. After all, we are no longer leading a double-life.
It felt so good to just be honest.
We had this speaker fly in to town to talk to some undergraduate students. Man, was my boss excited! She even told one of his stories to us and it brought tears to her eyes through a smile, she was so excited. I thought, hey, I'll bite, so I checked out his blog. And I thought, all right. That's interesting.
But it wasn't until breakfast came, and we got to sit down with him for nearly two hours and talk before he gave the speech, that I became really excited too. This guy is a corporate executive, a CEO, a New York Times Bestselling author (twice!), and what's funny is that sounds more impressive just now as I typed it than it ever did. At the business school, especially in the career center. you hear a lot of corporate hoopla that sometimes is entertaining enough to well, entertain, but at the end of the day is just some schmuck claiming they have the answer, much like politics.
You can't help thinking that these bestsellers read by businessmen for and written for businessmen might have anything to apply to you, if you're like me, I suppose.
And this may sound pretty stupid, and maybe I was missing something in the first place, but he and the whole point behind his books told a much more human story than how to go out and network so people can bring you your millions. His story was mostly about healing.
He talked about how he had made it to the top and still didn't feel worth at all to be there, and how he was mostly alone and drowning and starting over, and this was after all the corporate success, and all the sales of the first book.
So yeah, the cynic in me could say he needed to say something to sell his second book, but he was just that genuine.
He healed through the relationships he formed, as well as through developing his spiritual life (He went to one of those 10 day Buddhist camps where you sit in silent meditation the whole time, for instance!), and also what seemed to me to be a little cognitive behavior theory (in a way of changing his own thinking and perspective, and breaking his "own glass ceilings", a phrase he borrowed from another businessman's book, which I quite liked.
He said the key is to know that 4% of the people of the world are assholes, but we guard ourselves with the skewed perception that it is the other way around. He said the key should be a handful of relationships, and he challenges his audience to find three, basically three people who are right there with you, who have their own goals, who will hold you accountable and vice versa, who will respect you and love you enough to remain honest at all costs, who will support you -- basically, three strong healthy relationships. These three lifelines as he called him, are part of the bigger picture that everybody needs before they can get anywhere, or at least before they can get there successfully and remain happy while they are doing it. It sounds so simple, but it's quite hard. Could you name three people in your life like that? If not, could you think of some you'd like to be?
Yet another simple piece of the puzzle that gets left out when we're off fighting the world's assholes and hanging tough is the ability to allow yourself to be vulnerable, which is also important.
Suppose something in that is what prompted the fiance and I to finally come clean about our engagement, first to the Assistant Dean, and then to the whole office. She was so excited she called an emergency meeting so we could tell everyone!
We set a date a couple of days ago, and thought it was time. I could already tell from just being honest for those few minutes is going to change our work life completely, and probably make us feel better at home, too. After all, we are no longer leading a double-life.
It felt so good to just be honest.
Labels: Advice, Books, Keith Ferrazzi
