Saturday, October 24, 2009
Red Kryptonite
This blog hasn't been public for some time now. Yet, I still have not gone out on the limb I used to so far as my personal life. I suppose a few things have been on the brain lately. Besides thinking about grad school and planning a wedding, and going out for sushi on Fridays, there are at least three things I've been dealing with that sometimes infringe on my happiness.
One is that I have recently been diagnosed with PMDD. This is something I've been working on for the past year. I did some reading and research, finally tracked my symptoms for a few months, then went to get help. PMDD has no clear-cut solutions. When looking at treatments, most women and doctors seem to use trial and error. I am just glad to be getting help. The symptoms are completely awful. I believe I have actually been going through this for about 15 years, but through all of my 20s, particularly after 24/25, it's been getting worse, and the disorder is actually known to get worse, as you get older, as you have children, until it stops with menopause. Yay! - not.
I can't even begin to comprehend how much of an impact this has had on my life. I can remember times where my world was going completely crazy, where I had breakups or other awful things, and I'd remember getting my period, and thinking great, now this! But I never imagined that feeling of my life being upside down and then turning it upside down could have been tied to this, too.
I self-medicated with caffeine and alcohol all the time, which inevitably made it worse. Women with PMDD tend to overuse caffeine because of the fatigue it causes; caffeine increases nervousness, anxiety, and irritability. Alcohol makes the mood swings even worse, which has its own dangerous effects. I have given up caffeine recently. I wouldn't say completely, but I am still working on it. I don't have caffeine every day. I drink only caffeine-free soda. I don't really do decaf coffee anymore, either -- I found after quitting caffeinated, that even with decaf I can definitely feel the effects, and it feels awful. I rarely drink anymore, sometimes not for weeks in a stretch, but when I do I definitely pay attention to where I am in the month, and steer away from alcohol during PMDD time.
It is a blessing, though, that my life is in order enough that I was able to map out my migraines, headaches, cramps, irritability, bouts of insomnia, anxiety, nervousness, forgetfulness, difficulty concentrating, low moods, manic behaviors, and other pains in my body. It gives me hope that I can possibly have this one thing that has upset my stability for so long under control. And for now, although all these things take me over close to half of every month, between ovulation and the week before my period, at least now when the symptoms come I know what foods and drinks to stay away from, I know to exercise for sure to keep my mood elevated, and I know that the intense anger or sadness for no reason is internal and biological, rather than something external or horribly wrong with my life or myself. I can recognize my symptoms for what they are, try to be patient, lean on my future husband who has been amazing and strong in helping me deal with this, and handle things as logically as I can.
It is incredibly tiring, though, to have this thing hanging over your head, this thing that you have to plan around every month. I read this book that was recommended to me by a friend of a friend I was introduced to, who also has PMDD, and devotes her blog to it. The book helped me understand what I'm going through, and she helped me by letting me know I do not have to suffer, and never alone.
I went to see a neurologist earlier this week for the migraines. Migraines are separate from PMDD, but can in some cases, cluster around PMDD symptoms. Mine definitely do, so I'm getting help treating those. I also was approved to experiment with estrogen and progestin, or progesterone treatments; I wanted to make sure they were safe with me, because of my mom's history of stroke. He gave me medicine for my migraines, and approved my taking estrogen, since I quit smoking four months ago. But in the event estrogen makes my migraines worse, which is a possibility, I will have to opt for a birth control pill without estrogen to prevent pregnancy. In that case an antidepressant would also treat the PMDD. My gynecologist already prescribed me Zoloft, which PMDD patients can take 15 days out of the month or so. I know it has been proven to help women with this, but I wanted to explore all my treatment options before making a decision. I'm hanging onto the Zoloft prescription, but for now I am going to get an opinion from one more gynecologist, and then discuss what all these doctors have said with my primary physician, and we'll decide where to go from there.
I have a lot of hope now. Hope that I won't have to take another sick day because I'm afraid that if anyone talks to me on a certain day at a certain time in the month I might lash out and lose my job. There's also hope that I won't very much look forward to plans like hanging out with one of my best girlfriends, or attending another's engagement party, only have to cancel because I feel horrible inside and out and need to lie down on a couch and not be out in public doing anything. Hope that I won't say anything horrible that I won't mean one second later and hurt the people I love the most when I'm like Clark Kent meets red kryptonite. I can't wait to feel better 365 days a year. I can't wait to feel like myself all month, instead of one or two weeks of it.
This blog hasn't been public for some time now. Yet, I still have not gone out on the limb I used to so far as my personal life. I suppose a few things have been on the brain lately. Besides thinking about grad school and planning a wedding, and going out for sushi on Fridays, there are at least three things I've been dealing with that sometimes infringe on my happiness.
One is that I have recently been diagnosed with PMDD. This is something I've been working on for the past year. I did some reading and research, finally tracked my symptoms for a few months, then went to get help. PMDD has no clear-cut solutions. When looking at treatments, most women and doctors seem to use trial and error. I am just glad to be getting help. The symptoms are completely awful. I believe I have actually been going through this for about 15 years, but through all of my 20s, particularly after 24/25, it's been getting worse, and the disorder is actually known to get worse, as you get older, as you have children, until it stops with menopause. Yay! - not.
I can't even begin to comprehend how much of an impact this has had on my life. I can remember times where my world was going completely crazy, where I had breakups or other awful things, and I'd remember getting my period, and thinking great, now this! But I never imagined that feeling of my life being upside down and then turning it upside down could have been tied to this, too.
I self-medicated with caffeine and alcohol all the time, which inevitably made it worse. Women with PMDD tend to overuse caffeine because of the fatigue it causes; caffeine increases nervousness, anxiety, and irritability. Alcohol makes the mood swings even worse, which has its own dangerous effects. I have given up caffeine recently. I wouldn't say completely, but I am still working on it. I don't have caffeine every day. I drink only caffeine-free soda. I don't really do decaf coffee anymore, either -- I found after quitting caffeinated, that even with decaf I can definitely feel the effects, and it feels awful. I rarely drink anymore, sometimes not for weeks in a stretch, but when I do I definitely pay attention to where I am in the month, and steer away from alcohol during PMDD time.
It is a blessing, though, that my life is in order enough that I was able to map out my migraines, headaches, cramps, irritability, bouts of insomnia, anxiety, nervousness, forgetfulness, difficulty concentrating, low moods, manic behaviors, and other pains in my body. It gives me hope that I can possibly have this one thing that has upset my stability for so long under control. And for now, although all these things take me over close to half of every month, between ovulation and the week before my period, at least now when the symptoms come I know what foods and drinks to stay away from, I know to exercise for sure to keep my mood elevated, and I know that the intense anger or sadness for no reason is internal and biological, rather than something external or horribly wrong with my life or myself. I can recognize my symptoms for what they are, try to be patient, lean on my future husband who has been amazing and strong in helping me deal with this, and handle things as logically as I can.
It is incredibly tiring, though, to have this thing hanging over your head, this thing that you have to plan around every month. I read this book that was recommended to me by a friend of a friend I was introduced to, who also has PMDD, and devotes her blog to it. The book helped me understand what I'm going through, and she helped me by letting me know I do not have to suffer, and never alone.
I went to see a neurologist earlier this week for the migraines. Migraines are separate from PMDD, but can in some cases, cluster around PMDD symptoms. Mine definitely do, so I'm getting help treating those. I also was approved to experiment with estrogen and progestin, or progesterone treatments; I wanted to make sure they were safe with me, because of my mom's history of stroke. He gave me medicine for my migraines, and approved my taking estrogen, since I quit smoking four months ago. But in the event estrogen makes my migraines worse, which is a possibility, I will have to opt for a birth control pill without estrogen to prevent pregnancy. In that case an antidepressant would also treat the PMDD. My gynecologist already prescribed me Zoloft, which PMDD patients can take 15 days out of the month or so. I know it has been proven to help women with this, but I wanted to explore all my treatment options before making a decision. I'm hanging onto the Zoloft prescription, but for now I am going to get an opinion from one more gynecologist, and then discuss what all these doctors have said with my primary physician, and we'll decide where to go from there.
I have a lot of hope now. Hope that I won't have to take another sick day because I'm afraid that if anyone talks to me on a certain day at a certain time in the month I might lash out and lose my job. There's also hope that I won't very much look forward to plans like hanging out with one of my best girlfriends, or attending another's engagement party, only have to cancel because I feel horrible inside and out and need to lie down on a couch and not be out in public doing anything. Hope that I won't say anything horrible that I won't mean one second later and hurt the people I love the most when I'm like Clark Kent meets red kryptonite. I can't wait to feel better 365 days a year. I can't wait to feel like myself all month, instead of one or two weeks of it.
Labels: Books, Migraines, PMDD
0 Comments:
