Rock Star Hour

Thoughts. What else would they be?

I'm working on the happiness thing. All in all, I have been very, very happy. I don't want to leave the impression that I feel otherwise. Maybe when you are happy it does become easier to sweat the small stuff. hmff. maybe not.

so person A is this friend of mine I've had for all my college years. she's never been one of my best friends, but i sorta hoped getting her hired at camp here would change that. i've always thought she was cool.

person B is my ex-boyfriend. the ex really. one of the important ones.

so person A and person B got a little summer camp thing going on, or actually like each other a lot, it turns out.

and that's the way it is. working so many hours a day and having to live with them has not made this easy, although, when i think about it, they really are doing their jobs. and they really haven't done anything to hurt me.

person B and i broke up a long time ago. I broke up with him. And for too many fucking good reasons.

at first i thought less about person A for this, but then i realized, today, and am still realizing, that i wouldn't want things to be any other way either.

yes, the child in me would love for the world to revolve around me. the kid in me says, should they really be doing this, or not rather, out of respect for my feelings? it answers, FUCKIN' RIGHT.

but there is no logical reason why this should actually matter at all, other than the fact that i'd like him to cleanly step away from my life, and though camp is ending, i do feel he will indefinitely be tied to it. maybe we just know too many of the same people. and we'll end up at the same bar one night. again.

i don't really want to talk to him much, but i don't want to feel this way.

i can't help how i feel, and neither can they.

all right the whole person A/B thing is getting annoying. At least one of you who reads this knows it all anyway. As for others who do know the persons involved, I doubt ya'll even read this shit anymore.

Obviously Jeff is one of them. So you know what? You know what I told Jeff today? I said, this world is so fucked up, to the point where if you find someone you care about, and she cares about you, then fucking go for it!"

Because I forgot about that. I like being happy, so that's how I'm going to try to be. I want to be happy with my friends, even if I might've pictured happiness differently than this.

I've often thought that outside of context I might've thought they were cute together. They might very well work. She is very different from me. They relate to each other in completely different ways.

This has not as much to do with me as my inner pre-teen goth has been thinking. I feel kind of like a 'tard. But I'm tired of feeling guilty over how I feel. that's what made this so hard to begin with.

Thank you Dave, for your advice. It really helped, by the way.

Ah, dinnertime ...