Thursday, June 04, 2009
Those things that get in your way
A few months ago, I thought the sensible thing would be to start looking for employment right away. I envisioned myself graduated with interviews already lined up. I envisioned myself finding the perfect job -- maybe not the most money, but something.
After years of working hard and getting by -- and I'm not complaining, cause lately I'm more than getting by -- graduating became synonymous with choice for me. It meant I could choose to leave this town, with school not holding me back. It meant I could choose a career, with my handy piece of paper referenced on my resume. Good grades meant more options, too, and I did that. I did my best.
Last weekend, I was completely thrilled to be going on my first job interview. Over the last year or two, I've done some serious soul-searching, among other things, and really tried to dig deep and find that magical thing of all things I might want to do with myself, or at least begin by doing.
I thought about The Daily Cougar. I thought about what classes I liked in school. I thought about in general the things that make me happy. I narrowed it down; it was so gratifying to do that; and of all things, I realized the thing I did that had the most impact on my life, and the thing where I know I had the ability and opportunity to positively effect so many people, was what I was able to do for the kids at Elks Camp.
So, as someone who is always learning, and as someone who enjoys geeking out about things and passing them on to others, and as someone who really cares and has empathy for people, especially children, I decided to go and apply that experience toward a career in teaching. I decided that at the end of the day I would come home feeling good about what I'd done, which wasn't always the case with other things.
Back to the interview. It was great. The school is this wonderful place. A middle school in Austin. It has two schools within it, a regular one with kids from the neighborhood, and a magnet one where they are brought in by bus every day. It used to be an all black school, before integration, and is still mostly occupied by those of minorities and socioeconomically disadvantaged. The kids, given my background and theirs, are exactly the ones I want to help.
Furthermore, the position sounded perfect for me. I met the teacher and director of the magnet school - and they met me on a Saturday. We drove to Austin, stayed the night in a hotel, and then, I met them, at this really cool coffee house, and they told me all about the position.
It was an assistant teacher position for autistic kids, helping them handle their emotions and pick up social skills. Helping them work with "regular" kids in their classes, and helping them to advance in ways other than academic.
Seemed like the right thing to do, and when I was practically offered the job I was ecstatic.
One thing got in the way. A mistake I had made.
The school district has a rule made by the superintendent not to hire anyone with a DWI within five years of the offense. No exceptions.
My application had never even been approved.
I had been applying for jobs, sending letter after letter to principals and assistant principals, and had never received any word about this rule until the job was less than two inches from my grasp.
I'm not going to dwell on it. I am upset; I was more upset two days ago when I got the news.
Now, a change of plans. A shift in things. It was a wrench, nothing more, and we will figure it out.
I'm looking into how to make this charge go away; it may cost me some time and money, but what else have I got?
It just ... I don't know. Put this dark cloud over things for me.
I thought - I was told - that a misdemeanor wasn't a big deal. And a first offense. And that I could if it came up say something like, "I made a mistake in college."
But now I know. It does make a difference. It is what it is. So now, we are just going to move forward and deal with it. That's what we've got to do for now.
In the meantime, I know great things are ahead. I know there's no real sense of urgency other than what may be on the outside, small. Things like wanting to get out of this city, get a bigger apartment, start over, get a new job, set a wedding date.
But I waited a long time to get where I am, and I suppose if I must, I can wait a little longer.
A few months ago, I thought the sensible thing would be to start looking for employment right away. I envisioned myself graduated with interviews already lined up. I envisioned myself finding the perfect job -- maybe not the most money, but something.
After years of working hard and getting by -- and I'm not complaining, cause lately I'm more than getting by -- graduating became synonymous with choice for me. It meant I could choose to leave this town, with school not holding me back. It meant I could choose a career, with my handy piece of paper referenced on my resume. Good grades meant more options, too, and I did that. I did my best.
Last weekend, I was completely thrilled to be going on my first job interview. Over the last year or two, I've done some serious soul-searching, among other things, and really tried to dig deep and find that magical thing of all things I might want to do with myself, or at least begin by doing.
I thought about The Daily Cougar. I thought about what classes I liked in school. I thought about in general the things that make me happy. I narrowed it down; it was so gratifying to do that; and of all things, I realized the thing I did that had the most impact on my life, and the thing where I know I had the ability and opportunity to positively effect so many people, was what I was able to do for the kids at Elks Camp.
So, as someone who is always learning, and as someone who enjoys geeking out about things and passing them on to others, and as someone who really cares and has empathy for people, especially children, I decided to go and apply that experience toward a career in teaching. I decided that at the end of the day I would come home feeling good about what I'd done, which wasn't always the case with other things.
Back to the interview. It was great. The school is this wonderful place. A middle school in Austin. It has two schools within it, a regular one with kids from the neighborhood, and a magnet one where they are brought in by bus every day. It used to be an all black school, before integration, and is still mostly occupied by those of minorities and socioeconomically disadvantaged. The kids, given my background and theirs, are exactly the ones I want to help.
Furthermore, the position sounded perfect for me. I met the teacher and director of the magnet school - and they met me on a Saturday. We drove to Austin, stayed the night in a hotel, and then, I met them, at this really cool coffee house, and they told me all about the position.
It was an assistant teacher position for autistic kids, helping them handle their emotions and pick up social skills. Helping them work with "regular" kids in their classes, and helping them to advance in ways other than academic.
Seemed like the right thing to do, and when I was practically offered the job I was ecstatic.
One thing got in the way. A mistake I had made.
The school district has a rule made by the superintendent not to hire anyone with a DWI within five years of the offense. No exceptions.
My application had never even been approved.
I had been applying for jobs, sending letter after letter to principals and assistant principals, and had never received any word about this rule until the job was less than two inches from my grasp.
I'm not going to dwell on it. I am upset; I was more upset two days ago when I got the news.
Now, a change of plans. A shift in things. It was a wrench, nothing more, and we will figure it out.
I'm looking into how to make this charge go away; it may cost me some time and money, but what else have I got?
It just ... I don't know. Put this dark cloud over things for me.
I thought - I was told - that a misdemeanor wasn't a big deal. And a first offense. And that I could if it came up say something like, "I made a mistake in college."
But now I know. It does make a difference. It is what it is. So now, we are just going to move forward and deal with it. That's what we've got to do for now.
In the meantime, I know great things are ahead. I know there's no real sense of urgency other than what may be on the outside, small. Things like wanting to get out of this city, get a bigger apartment, start over, get a new job, set a wedding date.
But I waited a long time to get where I am, and I suppose if I must, I can wait a little longer.
Labels: Career, Consequences, Interview, Job Search, Obstacles
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Line of Best Fit
Still one of my favorite songs of all time, although I haven't thought about it for a long while. Like old memories, it got lost. I played that CD so much, and at times I listened to that song over and over. Call me a masochist, but it got me through things, like great records do.
Death Cab For Cutie Lyrics
Line Of Best Fit. Lyrics..
It really spoke to me.
Lately, I've been thinking about that again. Paths and patterns. My future seems brighter than it ever has.
I took a vocational test at work last week. It's going to sound cheesy, but here's the back story. I work in an office where our mission is to help students find careers and carve their pathways into them. To succeed. To get out there and use their education. And then to give back to the University, either as alumni or as recruits. My role could be the most or least important, or somewhere in the middle. Sometimes I feel it's minimal. Others, I feel like I am part of this momentum, and I am making a difference. At best, I am, and I am inspired by so many around me. At worst, it's a means to an end, but that's only when I get itchy feet or when I'm super bored.
I have gotten off the subject. Anyway, they had everyone in the office take this test, and tomorrow we are going to go over the results in depth. They think the process will either a) work to help us each understand our role as contributors to a team, but also b) to recognize our individual strengths and weaknesses, and c) so we might have a better idea of whom just might be the missing piece of the puzzle, because we are understaffed and want to recruit those who could give an outstanding contribution in expanding the work we are doing, without having to upset the structure I think too much.
Anyway, it was spot on; it listed five strengths in depth, and pointed to careers, and strategic means of maximizing them, and suggested approaches to learning to get the most out of them, etc.
I won't bore you with the details, but I found it pretty fascinating. And though on one hand my boss thought it was sorta hokey and related it more to something like astrology than "hard science", it spoke to me.
The last trait for me, of the five, was called Connectedness. It completely described my worldview, and my values, addressing the deeply spiritual nature I see humans and animals, and the big picture, and the reasons I make some of the choices I do. It even recommended several programs for me that I am coincidentally applying to, and some others I have thought about exploring in the past.
The thing about it is, there's nothing coincidental about it. That's what Connectedness is about -- the interconnection of people, things, and events. Even when I'm not thinking about this at all, things happen, and I can't help but later think they were not a coincidence, that coincidences do not exist.
I'm not even going to call it fate. Fate could only be one spot on the metaphysical graph we draw our paths on. And they are not linear; the line of best fit is the best fit acknowledging that it includes error.
I'm going to be longwinded tonight. I already am, but I've just got too much to say, so please stick with this; I've got some points. (Hah. Points.)
Last Friday, my department had a "retreat." Actually, we got to spend the day at Dave and Busters. It was pretty cool, for what might have otherwise been a yucky boring meeting day. In between a meeting session, after lunch, I ended up having a long discussion with two of my coworkers about my future plans.
I don't even know how it started; I guess with the fact that I had taken a test this morning, and thought I had gotten a B (turns out I got another A! -- but I didn't know that till later). I was a little bummed. I told them about the specific goals I have decided upon, and that I've done the math. I've done plenty of homework. I have to make certain grades; I have to have a financial plan, and there are many other things I need to consider as well. Planning this stuff is not going to be easy.
So, without my really asking for it, they opened up and gave me some really great advice. Questions I could ask. Alternative ways to make ends meet. And other nonprofits I hadn't thought of -- like one in Houston where "volunteers" help tutor kids in reading that sounded really cool, for instance.
It wasn't until yesterday, taking a walk on campus, that I realized how lucky I am. Except that it's not an accident that I ended up there, working in exactly the right place. It's not just that they help me, but they've encouraged me to look outside of where I've been looking. Basically, for the first time I realized I don't have to do this all by myself. I don't have to walk into something so blindly. Not be prepared. Not know what my options are. And more importantly, I don't have to sell myself short.
Back to the Line of Best Fit. This is even crazier. OK, I'm liking research methods class. Last semester, I perceived that I wouldn't get it; that it wasn't interesting; that I would never use it. But I gave myself a talkin-to right before the summer session started, and I'm doing it. Not only am I making an A, I am engaged in it. I have learned things that I will use. I may not want to be a social researcher, but at least I will know a little about how it is done. At least I will have a better eye concerning what I can trust and not trust.
Which also made it easier for me to digest that vocational test. Even while I was taking it, I understood the method, and I was able to be completely honest.
My boss told me when he took it, he put himself in his work mindset. He said, "I'm different at work than outside of work," so he intentionally thought of work scenarios when thinking over the test questions.
I didn't do that. Because I don't think work should be separate from who you are. That is probably the largest reason so many are dissatisfied with what they do, and I'm not looking for a job. I'm looking for a way I want to live my life. I'm looking for the Golden Egg. I'm looking for fulfillment. I'm looking for a vocation, a career that will fall in line with my values, and what I want to gain from life itself.
And there's the Connectedness again.
Then there's the Line. And just like this story about all the things I've taken today, there are a series of points outlining it. The Line of Best Fit, in social research, falls through the sum of the squared differences between predicted and actual outcomes.
That's what life is like. I'm a key opponent of living a linear life, or at least, I tell people often, "Well, I've never lived a linear life." Especially lately, when all these people from high school have been randomly writing me, asking me what the last 10 years have been like.
That said, the Line of Best Fit is truth and fiction. It exists, but it doesn't. It is the line that can be formed through minimizing the likelihood of error. In Regressive Research, it is the Golden Egg.
My notebook paper had and x- and y-axis drawn, with points scattered and a line going through them, but not through them. It had scratch-outs, too.
Man, maybe I'm tired; maybe I'm reading too much into things, but I don't think so. Moments of clarity are few and precious, and right now, I'm savoring it. Because that's what you're supposed to do.
Still one of my favorite songs of all time, although I haven't thought about it for a long while. Like old memories, it got lost. I played that CD so much, and at times I listened to that song over and over. Call me a masochist, but it got me through things, like great records do.
Death Cab For Cutie Lyrics
Line Of Best Fit. Lyrics..
It really spoke to me.
Lately, I've been thinking about that again. Paths and patterns. My future seems brighter than it ever has.
I took a vocational test at work last week. It's going to sound cheesy, but here's the back story. I work in an office where our mission is to help students find careers and carve their pathways into them. To succeed. To get out there and use their education. And then to give back to the University, either as alumni or as recruits. My role could be the most or least important, or somewhere in the middle. Sometimes I feel it's minimal. Others, I feel like I am part of this momentum, and I am making a difference. At best, I am, and I am inspired by so many around me. At worst, it's a means to an end, but that's only when I get itchy feet or when I'm super bored.
I have gotten off the subject. Anyway, they had everyone in the office take this test, and tomorrow we are going to go over the results in depth. They think the process will either a) work to help us each understand our role as contributors to a team, but also b) to recognize our individual strengths and weaknesses, and c) so we might have a better idea of whom just might be the missing piece of the puzzle, because we are understaffed and want to recruit those who could give an outstanding contribution in expanding the work we are doing, without having to upset the structure I think too much.
Anyway, it was spot on; it listed five strengths in depth, and pointed to careers, and strategic means of maximizing them, and suggested approaches to learning to get the most out of them, etc.
I won't bore you with the details, but I found it pretty fascinating. And though on one hand my boss thought it was sorta hokey and related it more to something like astrology than "hard science", it spoke to me.
The last trait for me, of the five, was called Connectedness. It completely described my worldview, and my values, addressing the deeply spiritual nature I see humans and animals, and the big picture, and the reasons I make some of the choices I do. It even recommended several programs for me that I am coincidentally applying to, and some others I have thought about exploring in the past.
The thing about it is, there's nothing coincidental about it. That's what Connectedness is about -- the interconnection of people, things, and events. Even when I'm not thinking about this at all, things happen, and I can't help but later think they were not a coincidence, that coincidences do not exist.
I'm not even going to call it fate. Fate could only be one spot on the metaphysical graph we draw our paths on. And they are not linear; the line of best fit is the best fit acknowledging that it includes error.
I'm going to be longwinded tonight. I already am, but I've just got too much to say, so please stick with this; I've got some points. (Hah. Points.)
Last Friday, my department had a "retreat." Actually, we got to spend the day at Dave and Busters. It was pretty cool, for what might have otherwise been a yucky boring meeting day. In between a meeting session, after lunch, I ended up having a long discussion with two of my coworkers about my future plans.
I don't even know how it started; I guess with the fact that I had taken a test this morning, and thought I had gotten a B (turns out I got another A! -- but I didn't know that till later). I was a little bummed. I told them about the specific goals I have decided upon, and that I've done the math. I've done plenty of homework. I have to make certain grades; I have to have a financial plan, and there are many other things I need to consider as well. Planning this stuff is not going to be easy.
So, without my really asking for it, they opened up and gave me some really great advice. Questions I could ask. Alternative ways to make ends meet. And other nonprofits I hadn't thought of -- like one in Houston where "volunteers" help tutor kids in reading that sounded really cool, for instance.
It wasn't until yesterday, taking a walk on campus, that I realized how lucky I am. Except that it's not an accident that I ended up there, working in exactly the right place. It's not just that they help me, but they've encouraged me to look outside of where I've been looking. Basically, for the first time I realized I don't have to do this all by myself. I don't have to walk into something so blindly. Not be prepared. Not know what my options are. And more importantly, I don't have to sell myself short.
Back to the Line of Best Fit. This is even crazier. OK, I'm liking research methods class. Last semester, I perceived that I wouldn't get it; that it wasn't interesting; that I would never use it. But I gave myself a talkin-to right before the summer session started, and I'm doing it. Not only am I making an A, I am engaged in it. I have learned things that I will use. I may not want to be a social researcher, but at least I will know a little about how it is done. At least I will have a better eye concerning what I can trust and not trust.
Which also made it easier for me to digest that vocational test. Even while I was taking it, I understood the method, and I was able to be completely honest.
My boss told me when he took it, he put himself in his work mindset. He said, "I'm different at work than outside of work," so he intentionally thought of work scenarios when thinking over the test questions.
I didn't do that. Because I don't think work should be separate from who you are. That is probably the largest reason so many are dissatisfied with what they do, and I'm not looking for a job. I'm looking for a way I want to live my life. I'm looking for the Golden Egg. I'm looking for fulfillment. I'm looking for a vocation, a career that will fall in line with my values, and what I want to gain from life itself.
And there's the Connectedness again.
Then there's the Line. And just like this story about all the things I've taken today, there are a series of points outlining it. The Line of Best Fit, in social research, falls through the sum of the squared differences between predicted and actual outcomes.
That's what life is like. I'm a key opponent of living a linear life, or at least, I tell people often, "Well, I've never lived a linear life." Especially lately, when all these people from high school have been randomly writing me, asking me what the last 10 years have been like.
That said, the Line of Best Fit is truth and fiction. It exists, but it doesn't. It is the line that can be formed through minimizing the likelihood of error. In Regressive Research, it is the Golden Egg.
My notebook paper had and x- and y-axis drawn, with points scattered and a line going through them, but not through them. It had scratch-outs, too.
Man, maybe I'm tired; maybe I'm reading too much into things, but I don't think so. Moments of clarity are few and precious, and right now, I'm savoring it. Because that's what you're supposed to do.
Labels: Career, College, Death Cab
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Recycled Air
I'm at the teashouse and it's cold, and the caffeine's giving me the shakes and there are a million things I want to read and write, or maybe I could just sit here and do a sudoku puzzle. I dunno ...
I do want to tell you something i learned this summer. One of the so many things, and that is to never be afraid of your own success. When I grow up, I want to be a writer, a teacher, a photographer, a philosopher, an athlete, and a musician ... but when I grow up is false. It implies some far away time. Like when you're a kid. Like the kids at camp. Like how the kids come on Sunday and cry sometimes because they can't imagine the weeklong lifetime they are about to experience without sometimes the dearest ones present -- their parents, or grandparents, or big brother, or dog, or the teddy bear they forgot at home even.
A week goes by, with all the time in between spent learning, doing new things, doing favorite things, making things, meeting people, or dancing when they never have before, or getting to play with food or shaving cream without getting in trouble, or being able to pick up an adult and dunk them underwater, or climbing a ladder to go down a slide that lasts forever ... until you reach the pool and want to get out and do it again.
And this says something about time. Something we've said before about time, but in a different way ... the part where the future is not far off from the present. That is exactly right. But it is something that, given the right perspective, can become a point of celebration.
I love you, ____. I still think you are beautiful, and intelligent, and articulate, and talented, and amazing. Please do not be afraid of your own success.
Sometimes i think in idealistic cliches, but then I wonder where they come from. I wonder where all these movies, like Dream for an Insomniac or Akeelah and the Bee come from. Are they based on fictional, irrational, theories for dreamers? Or are they based on the possibilities that lie inside every living thing in their potential for greatness as being of god, as beings formed by energy that moves with a will that is part of a greater, universal will.
I'm sorry to get cerebral here. I'm just as emotional. I've found it doesn't have to be hard to go between the two anymore. I have found that emotion and logic do indeed work together. I have found that as I suspected science and romance are the same thing (listen to Rilo Kiley's "Science vs. Romance" if you get a chance. That song is fucking amazing.)
It wasn't just Camp. It wasn't just new friends. It wasn't just therapy. I wish I could explain it better, but when words fall short, or become too much, I am reminded to simplify. And just as in meditation, sometimes the best thing to do is to clear your mind completely, blocking out memory, music, and the metaphorical weather of whatever is going on in the world, and feel deep down to your soul, spirit, will, inner child, whatever you want to call it because these words are only symbols, which is the point ... and listen to your intention, because rationalism does not always explain things the way they can be assumed. And in this case, my intention is to acknowledge something that was beautiful, and fun, and that had moments of inspiration, but something that has reached ... I don't know what ... I suddenly have this image in my mind of a ferry reaching the seattle skyline ... I guess in other words, and for lack of an original thought necessarily ... We've gotten where we needed to go.
And if you can conclude all of these things, and sincerely mean them, then I pray you will hold onto them dearly, in the face of whatever negativity you are digesting, and encountering, because the lessons, the feelings you are resurrecting from the depths of your mind and heart are the most important things that could ever come out of this entire experience, and having these things to hold, whether with me, near me, remembering me, talking to me, or just reading a book or mixing or not thinking at all ...
I've said it before, I'll say it again,
I believe in you. I love you. And I hope you, in time, will continue to remember the good parts, and that you will also be aware that no apologies are necessary ... that all this had a purpose, as this present moment does.
I will be here for you if you need me, always. At the moment this is hard, but it will get easier, because one of the things I have learned is that I am stronger than I have ever known. That any number of things, as you observed, could have broken me long ago. And so in being strong, as this does hurt even if I appear cold, I am comforted by my faith in myself and in you and the universe. And I wish you the best in finding out what that strength is for you -- because you have it too. Everyone does.
Believe me, because just as you can find proof for the theories that cause you to sink, or want to give up, or to shut down under the pressure ... you can, with the same eyes, the right pair of eyes (Hunter s. Thompson said) find proof to support a theory of something better and beautiful and comforting ...
I have to go.
But for what it's worth i know exactly what you have meant in everything you've said, and I want you to know that it is not too late to experience this or learn these things so long as you remember them and act on them.
It's like the part on Waking Life when the four guys are walking down the street, and they are talking about theory vs. action.
It's like addiction, whether to chocolate, or advil, or a way of thinking as habit. There's this model my shrink gave me. I don't know if I told you about it, but it had the steps of how to overcome ... whatever ... I honestly think it applies to everything ... but there's this part, this line, this stage I sat in for what seems like forever. It was the contemplation stage. The next stage was action.
I was so afraid of failing that I couldn't act. I've always felt like that. It's because of how I grew up. Not an excuse, just an unhealthy way of existing. So anyway, after the action phase, and a couple other steps, the last step was relapse, otherwise known as failure in my eyes ... but my shrink said, if you get to that one, you're not done for ... you just start at the beginning again.
And that's what life is about anyway. Robert fulghum said that long ago, and I read it in one of his books before i left for Seattle ... order to disorder to order again ...
Regardless, acknowledging this cycle gives me the perspective I need to keep things in line so I can handle less than perfect times ...
But the steps ... btw, it's not 12 steps. It's some theory in psychology ... but anyway, if you get to the end, and you look at how much and little, depending on your perspective, it took to get from the theory part to the action part, you start to believe in yourself, and the process, and you decide that it is amazing, and worthwhile, but not necessarily something you want to do again just to start at the beginning.
Now i suddenly wonder if you will understand. I see a slight contradiction in what I'm saying, but I don't. I guess it is all true ... Contradictions don't always disprove truths, but nevertheless, I will say that with these contemplations and actions and relapses, whatever the case, there are so many choices in between.
I feel i have made a very large tangent, but on the other hand, I have said exactly what is necessary, because thinking of things in these terms is just one facet of the jewel the Sandman gave to Daniel, and i know, though, because I believe in you, that seeing this one side may be enough to show you them all.
Okay, i have to go now, but thank you very much for everything. I do appreciate it. I really do. You taught me some things early on. Remember that when you think you need someone to tell you the things you already know.
Have a good day, sweetheart,
Love,
I'm at the teashouse and it's cold, and the caffeine's giving me the shakes and there are a million things I want to read and write, or maybe I could just sit here and do a sudoku puzzle. I dunno ...
I do want to tell you something i learned this summer. One of the so many things, and that is to never be afraid of your own success. When I grow up, I want to be a writer, a teacher, a photographer, a philosopher, an athlete, and a musician ... but when I grow up is false. It implies some far away time. Like when you're a kid. Like the kids at camp. Like how the kids come on Sunday and cry sometimes because they can't imagine the weeklong lifetime they are about to experience without sometimes the dearest ones present -- their parents, or grandparents, or big brother, or dog, or the teddy bear they forgot at home even.
A week goes by, with all the time in between spent learning, doing new things, doing favorite things, making things, meeting people, or dancing when they never have before, or getting to play with food or shaving cream without getting in trouble, or being able to pick up an adult and dunk them underwater, or climbing a ladder to go down a slide that lasts forever ... until you reach the pool and want to get out and do it again.
And this says something about time. Something we've said before about time, but in a different way ... the part where the future is not far off from the present. That is exactly right. But it is something that, given the right perspective, can become a point of celebration.
I love you, ____. I still think you are beautiful, and intelligent, and articulate, and talented, and amazing. Please do not be afraid of your own success.
Sometimes i think in idealistic cliches, but then I wonder where they come from. I wonder where all these movies, like Dream for an Insomniac or Akeelah and the Bee come from. Are they based on fictional, irrational, theories for dreamers? Or are they based on the possibilities that lie inside every living thing in their potential for greatness as being of god, as beings formed by energy that moves with a will that is part of a greater, universal will.
I'm sorry to get cerebral here. I'm just as emotional. I've found it doesn't have to be hard to go between the two anymore. I have found that emotion and logic do indeed work together. I have found that as I suspected science and romance are the same thing (listen to Rilo Kiley's "Science vs. Romance" if you get a chance. That song is fucking amazing.)
It wasn't just Camp. It wasn't just new friends. It wasn't just therapy. I wish I could explain it better, but when words fall short, or become too much, I am reminded to simplify. And just as in meditation, sometimes the best thing to do is to clear your mind completely, blocking out memory, music, and the metaphorical weather of whatever is going on in the world, and feel deep down to your soul, spirit, will, inner child, whatever you want to call it because these words are only symbols, which is the point ... and listen to your intention, because rationalism does not always explain things the way they can be assumed. And in this case, my intention is to acknowledge something that was beautiful, and fun, and that had moments of inspiration, but something that has reached ... I don't know what ... I suddenly have this image in my mind of a ferry reaching the seattle skyline ... I guess in other words, and for lack of an original thought necessarily ... We've gotten where we needed to go.
And if you can conclude all of these things, and sincerely mean them, then I pray you will hold onto them dearly, in the face of whatever negativity you are digesting, and encountering, because the lessons, the feelings you are resurrecting from the depths of your mind and heart are the most important things that could ever come out of this entire experience, and having these things to hold, whether with me, near me, remembering me, talking to me, or just reading a book or mixing or not thinking at all ...
I've said it before, I'll say it again,
I believe in you. I love you. And I hope you, in time, will continue to remember the good parts, and that you will also be aware that no apologies are necessary ... that all this had a purpose, as this present moment does.
I will be here for you if you need me, always. At the moment this is hard, but it will get easier, because one of the things I have learned is that I am stronger than I have ever known. That any number of things, as you observed, could have broken me long ago. And so in being strong, as this does hurt even if I appear cold, I am comforted by my faith in myself and in you and the universe. And I wish you the best in finding out what that strength is for you -- because you have it too. Everyone does.
Believe me, because just as you can find proof for the theories that cause you to sink, or want to give up, or to shut down under the pressure ... you can, with the same eyes, the right pair of eyes (Hunter s. Thompson said) find proof to support a theory of something better and beautiful and comforting ...
I have to go.
But for what it's worth i know exactly what you have meant in everything you've said, and I want you to know that it is not too late to experience this or learn these things so long as you remember them and act on them.
It's like the part on Waking Life when the four guys are walking down the street, and they are talking about theory vs. action.
It's like addiction, whether to chocolate, or advil, or a way of thinking as habit. There's this model my shrink gave me. I don't know if I told you about it, but it had the steps of how to overcome ... whatever ... I honestly think it applies to everything ... but there's this part, this line, this stage I sat in for what seems like forever. It was the contemplation stage. The next stage was action.
I was so afraid of failing that I couldn't act. I've always felt like that. It's because of how I grew up. Not an excuse, just an unhealthy way of existing. So anyway, after the action phase, and a couple other steps, the last step was relapse, otherwise known as failure in my eyes ... but my shrink said, if you get to that one, you're not done for ... you just start at the beginning again.
And that's what life is about anyway. Robert fulghum said that long ago, and I read it in one of his books before i left for Seattle ... order to disorder to order again ...
Regardless, acknowledging this cycle gives me the perspective I need to keep things in line so I can handle less than perfect times ...
But the steps ... btw, it's not 12 steps. It's some theory in psychology ... but anyway, if you get to the end, and you look at how much and little, depending on your perspective, it took to get from the theory part to the action part, you start to believe in yourself, and the process, and you decide that it is amazing, and worthwhile, but not necessarily something you want to do again just to start at the beginning.
Now i suddenly wonder if you will understand. I see a slight contradiction in what I'm saying, but I don't. I guess it is all true ... Contradictions don't always disprove truths, but nevertheless, I will say that with these contemplations and actions and relapses, whatever the case, there are so many choices in between.
I feel i have made a very large tangent, but on the other hand, I have said exactly what is necessary, because thinking of things in these terms is just one facet of the jewel the Sandman gave to Daniel, and i know, though, because I believe in you, that seeing this one side may be enough to show you them all.
Okay, i have to go now, but thank you very much for everything. I do appreciate it. I really do. You taught me some things early on. Remember that when you think you need someone to tell you the things you already know.
Have a good day, sweetheart,
Love,
Labels: Addiction, Camp, Career, Goals, Movies, Rilo Kiley, Seattle, Spirituality, Therapy, Work
Thursday, August 25, 2005
The Edge of Reason
I've been reading again. I'm not as mentally lazy and unamused as I was when I was hammered everyday. Go figure. I finished the second Bridget Jones. Then I read The Amityville Horror, which I do not recommend reading at home alone by candlelight. But otherwise, was entertained. Now I'm sorta reading the Bible. Just 'cause.
Yesterday the story of Noah's Arc deeply affected me. I do not have well defined religious beliefs. I don't exactly know where the bible fits in, if at all. But I haven't really picked one up in the last eight years or so. If nothing else, it is interesting.
Anyway, I could totally relate to the story because I think it expresses something universal. Something about this renewal thing I've been talking about so much. The way that it said god created people and the world and night and day; and it was beautiful and good and satisfying. And gave it to man. And then saw what it was becoming, and how it was turning into something he didn't like, that he never wanted. And almost decided to scrap the whole project, but instead decided to keep a little piece and start over.
I guess I could relate to that. Who hasn't felt that way in any situation? Whether in love or career or art? Especially with art. I thought about how so many artists and musicians hate their work, and at most, are never completely satisfied with their output verses their intention, or vision. You ever spent hours on a painting or a paper only to discard the finished product on the count of the crap you considered it to be? It can be painful.
Or ever live in a state of mediocrity that could be acceptable, in a situation that's not necessarily harming you, but that could be improved upon if you just had the guts to start over?
Not to say that the flood in the story necessarily did much for that, considering how hard it is to live in the world today, but then again, the story continues.
I'm exceedingly stressed out, but not. It's odd.
There's no telling everything that's on my mind, everything I have to do, all the money I have to come up with in a short period of time concerning various things.
But there's this calmness to it all. That I've got within me. That it'll work out. It's a confidence in myself that is rarely shaken.
Other than by my drinking. I was exceedingly depressed, and so I drank. But the drinking just made me more depressed. Once I saw the cycle I was going in, and noticed how quickly things were only getting worse, I had no other choice but to end it.
And it made me think about all my drinking habits over the years. This was definitely the worst, but I can't recall a time where I wasn't drinking regularly in the last five or six years. I wasn't always a drunk, but I did notice if I went a week without a drink. Just one.
Working in a bar doesn't help. I've got to get out of there. The funny thing is when all this was going on since I got back from camp I couldn't drink at work. So I was just wasted every other day of the week. Beyond belief. And I'd wake up feeling like shit and pour another one. Scotch or beer. Alone or with others. It didn't matter.
I drank because I felt useless, and then the drinking made me feel even more useless.
But I had my head together, even through it. I know I did because as soon as I stopped and started doing things for myself again, I felt better.
I'm pretty lonely right now. When my friends call me they mostly invite me to bars, and I can't do that right now.
I had sorta started seeing somebody new. But all we did was meet up at bars. I met him one night at Nikki's birthday party, and ever since then I started running into him everywhere. I was pretty stand-off-ish and showed little interest, but it was nice to be pursued. I did begin to think he was a nice, intelligent guy.
But that's not something I can think about right now. And since we mostly hung out in bars, I'm not sure where he'd fit in since I don't want to go to them now. Because we would both basically go out and run into dozens of people we knew and split up and talk to them and meet up at the end of the night to say it was nice to see each other.
He was calling and sending me messages quite a bit for awhile, but yeah, I don't know what's up with that.
Aaron and I speak occasionally, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. The first couple weeks I really wanted him back. Now I don't. Now when I talk to him I just get angry and frustrated. I'm surprising still pretty nice to him. I can't hate him. I wish I could.
But I felt so deceived, because I don't think he knows who he is or what he wants. And he doesn't. He'll even admit that. But he put up the appearance of someone who was not actually an emotional fuckwit.
So when he broke up with me without even being able to articulate a reason, I took it pretty hard. Because everything had been perfect until it just wasn't. It was a total shock. Even all my friends were shocked.
He still can't really explain it. Nor can he explain why he felt so depressed in the weeks after (Hmm, I don't know. I guess it had nothing to do with ending a great relationship for no real reason.). And I think he still is. We had a couple nice conversations and were going to meet to talk in person, but he shut down again. Last time I talked to him I confronted him about it. He apologized, saying he wasn't sure, just like he isn't sure about anything.
Yep. So I'm working on my emotional fuckwit meter. It's a work in progress.
This was prolly longer than necessary. Possibly a work of procrastination. I've got lots to do.
I've been reading again. I'm not as mentally lazy and unamused as I was when I was hammered everyday. Go figure. I finished the second Bridget Jones. Then I read The Amityville Horror, which I do not recommend reading at home alone by candlelight. But otherwise, was entertained. Now I'm sorta reading the Bible. Just 'cause.
Yesterday the story of Noah's Arc deeply affected me. I do not have well defined religious beliefs. I don't exactly know where the bible fits in, if at all. But I haven't really picked one up in the last eight years or so. If nothing else, it is interesting.
Anyway, I could totally relate to the story because I think it expresses something universal. Something about this renewal thing I've been talking about so much. The way that it said god created people and the world and night and day; and it was beautiful and good and satisfying. And gave it to man. And then saw what it was becoming, and how it was turning into something he didn't like, that he never wanted. And almost decided to scrap the whole project, but instead decided to keep a little piece and start over.
I guess I could relate to that. Who hasn't felt that way in any situation? Whether in love or career or art? Especially with art. I thought about how so many artists and musicians hate their work, and at most, are never completely satisfied with their output verses their intention, or vision. You ever spent hours on a painting or a paper only to discard the finished product on the count of the crap you considered it to be? It can be painful.
Or ever live in a state of mediocrity that could be acceptable, in a situation that's not necessarily harming you, but that could be improved upon if you just had the guts to start over?
Not to say that the flood in the story necessarily did much for that, considering how hard it is to live in the world today, but then again, the story continues.
I'm exceedingly stressed out, but not. It's odd.
There's no telling everything that's on my mind, everything I have to do, all the money I have to come up with in a short period of time concerning various things.
But there's this calmness to it all. That I've got within me. That it'll work out. It's a confidence in myself that is rarely shaken.
Other than by my drinking. I was exceedingly depressed, and so I drank. But the drinking just made me more depressed. Once I saw the cycle I was going in, and noticed how quickly things were only getting worse, I had no other choice but to end it.
And it made me think about all my drinking habits over the years. This was definitely the worst, but I can't recall a time where I wasn't drinking regularly in the last five or six years. I wasn't always a drunk, but I did notice if I went a week without a drink. Just one.
Working in a bar doesn't help. I've got to get out of there. The funny thing is when all this was going on since I got back from camp I couldn't drink at work. So I was just wasted every other day of the week. Beyond belief. And I'd wake up feeling like shit and pour another one. Scotch or beer. Alone or with others. It didn't matter.
I drank because I felt useless, and then the drinking made me feel even more useless.
But I had my head together, even through it. I know I did because as soon as I stopped and started doing things for myself again, I felt better.
I'm pretty lonely right now. When my friends call me they mostly invite me to bars, and I can't do that right now.
I had sorta started seeing somebody new. But all we did was meet up at bars. I met him one night at Nikki's birthday party, and ever since then I started running into him everywhere. I was pretty stand-off-ish and showed little interest, but it was nice to be pursued. I did begin to think he was a nice, intelligent guy.
But that's not something I can think about right now. And since we mostly hung out in bars, I'm not sure where he'd fit in since I don't want to go to them now. Because we would both basically go out and run into dozens of people we knew and split up and talk to them and meet up at the end of the night to say it was nice to see each other.
He was calling and sending me messages quite a bit for awhile, but yeah, I don't know what's up with that.
Aaron and I speak occasionally, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. The first couple weeks I really wanted him back. Now I don't. Now when I talk to him I just get angry and frustrated. I'm surprising still pretty nice to him. I can't hate him. I wish I could.
But I felt so deceived, because I don't think he knows who he is or what he wants. And he doesn't. He'll even admit that. But he put up the appearance of someone who was not actually an emotional fuckwit.
So when he broke up with me without even being able to articulate a reason, I took it pretty hard. Because everything had been perfect until it just wasn't. It was a total shock. Even all my friends were shocked.
He still can't really explain it. Nor can he explain why he felt so depressed in the weeks after (Hmm, I don't know. I guess it had nothing to do with ending a great relationship for no real reason.). And I think he still is. We had a couple nice conversations and were going to meet to talk in person, but he shut down again. Last time I talked to him I confronted him about it. He apologized, saying he wasn't sure, just like he isn't sure about anything.
Yep. So I'm working on my emotional fuckwit meter. It's a work in progress.
This was prolly longer than necessary. Possibly a work of procrastination. I've got lots to do.
Labels: Addiction, Books, Career, Depression, Drinking, Relationships
