Rock Star Hour

The Edge of Reason

I've been reading again. I'm not as mentally lazy and unamused as I was when I was hammered everyday. Go figure. I finished the second Bridget Jones. Then I read The Amityville Horror, which I do not recommend reading at home alone by candlelight. But otherwise, was entertained. Now I'm sorta reading the Bible. Just 'cause.

Yesterday the story of Noah's Arc deeply affected me. I do not have well defined religious beliefs. I don't exactly know where the bible fits in, if at all. But I haven't really picked one up in the last eight years or so. If nothing else, it is interesting.

Anyway, I could totally relate to the story because I think it expresses something universal. Something about this renewal thing I've been talking about so much. The way that it said god created people and the world and night and day; and it was beautiful and good and satisfying. And gave it to man. And then saw what it was becoming, and how it was turning into something he didn't like, that he never wanted. And almost decided to scrap the whole project, but instead decided to keep a little piece and start over.

I guess I could relate to that. Who hasn't felt that way in any situation? Whether in love or career or art? Especially with art. I thought about how so many artists and musicians hate their work, and at most, are never completely satisfied with their output verses their intention, or vision. You ever spent hours on a painting or a paper only to discard the finished product on the count of the crap you considered it to be? It can be painful.

Or ever live in a state of mediocrity that could be acceptable, in a situation that's not necessarily harming you, but that could be improved upon if you just had the guts to start over?

Not to say that the flood in the story necessarily did much for that, considering how hard it is to live in the world today, but then again, the story continues.

I'm exceedingly stressed out, but not. It's odd.

There's no telling everything that's on my mind, everything I have to do, all the money I have to come up with in a short period of time concerning various things.

But there's this calmness to it all. That I've got within me. That it'll work out. It's a confidence in myself that is rarely shaken.

Other than by my drinking. I was exceedingly depressed, and so I drank. But the drinking just made me more depressed. Once I saw the cycle I was going in, and noticed how quickly things were only getting worse, I had no other choice but to end it.

And it made me think about all my drinking habits over the years. This was definitely the worst, but I can't recall a time where I wasn't drinking regularly in the last five or six years. I wasn't always a drunk, but I did notice if I went a week without a drink. Just one.

Working in a bar doesn't help. I've got to get out of there. The funny thing is when all this was going on since I got back from camp I couldn't drink at work. So I was just wasted every other day of the week. Beyond belief. And I'd wake up feeling like shit and pour another one. Scotch or beer. Alone or with others. It didn't matter.

I drank because I felt useless, and then the drinking made me feel even more useless.

But I had my head together, even through it. I know I did because as soon as I stopped and started doing things for myself again, I felt better.

I'm pretty lonely right now. When my friends call me they mostly invite me to bars, and I can't do that right now.

I had sorta started seeing somebody new. But all we did was meet up at bars. I met him one night at Nikki's birthday party, and ever since then I started running into him everywhere. I was pretty stand-off-ish and showed little interest, but it was nice to be pursued. I did begin to think he was a nice, intelligent guy.

But that's not something I can think about right now. And since we mostly hung out in bars, I'm not sure where he'd fit in since I don't want to go to them now. Because we would both basically go out and run into dozens of people we knew and split up and talk to them and meet up at the end of the night to say it was nice to see each other.

He was calling and sending me messages quite a bit for awhile, but yeah, I don't know what's up with that.

Aaron and I speak occasionally, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. The first couple weeks I really wanted him back. Now I don't. Now when I talk to him I just get angry and frustrated. I'm surprising still pretty nice to him. I can't hate him. I wish I could.

But I felt so deceived, because I don't think he knows who he is or what he wants. And he doesn't. He'll even admit that. But he put up the appearance of someone who was not actually an emotional fuckwit.

So when he broke up with me without even being able to articulate a reason, I took it pretty hard. Because everything had been perfect until it just wasn't. It was a total shock. Even all my friends were shocked.

He still can't really explain it. Nor can he explain why he felt so depressed in the weeks after (Hmm, I don't know. I guess it had nothing to do with ending a great relationship for no real reason.). And I think he still is. We had a couple nice conversations and were going to meet to talk in person, but he shut down again. Last time I talked to him I confronted him about it. He apologized, saying he wasn't sure, just like he isn't sure about anything.

Yep. So I'm working on my emotional fuckwit meter. It's a work in progress.

This was prolly longer than necessary. Possibly a work of procrastination. I've got lots to do.

Labels: Addiction, Books, Career, Depression, Drinking, Relationships