Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Graduation
It's official. I'm a college graduate. I graduated Cum Laude, and just shy of an overall GPA of 3.0 (.004 points too short to be exact - UH - Why the fuck three decimal places, huh?).
There are few days in one's life, I think, when one thinks to his- or herself, Well, this may be it. This may be the best day of my life. Or, This may be the best weekend I've ever had.
That's too big. That's too hard. Rather than making large blanket statements, it's probably best to focus on the micro-level, the small things that made such a monstrous occasion so monstrous.
A few things stand out.
The first is the music. "Pomp and Circumstance." It stayed in my head for days after, the same way Cake's songs did after I saw them in concert a few days ago, except it rang and repeated so clearly. It filled my head, a cross between a dream and reality. It stayed in the background, providing a soundtrack for my inner thoughts for days, and if I concentrate, and if I listen hard enough, I can still hear it.
When we finally marched out from the field house, and entered Hofheinz Pavilion, and I could see all the smiling faces looming down on us, the graduates, as we walked, that's the first time it hit me. I wouldn't let it yet, though. I got all choked up, tears brimmed in my eyes, but I kept them in through salty cloudy vision gazing up and down the rows as I walked to my seat.
And then a speech, by some theater undergrad, it really got me. Something cheesy about the journey that brought us there, and I started to think about mine. A letter in the program from the President of UH said something about writing to us on our proudest, highest moment in our education, the day we had all been waiting for, which of course, led me to think of my own journey.
My friend Angela said something later that night, comparing it to the moment of death, recalling the expression of life passing before your eyes in seconds, and I suppose that is how it went.
The strangest of emotions, heightened, each of them, coursed through me like an electrical current made of smoke and ocean waves, hitting me on all sides, in every square inch of my body. I was not just thinking about college. I was thinking about 10 years.
I was thinking about the struggle and jobs and starving and drinking too much and worrying about bills and taking semesters off when I didn't have the money and working and little sleep and waking up again, and breaking up, and drinking, heavily, and sadness, and going to jail, and hitting the floor, and picking myself up, and studying so hard, and just the longest days and the hardest times I ever had.
You should have seen the look on my dad's face. Michael. I have never seen him so proud. His grin must have been as wide as mine. And through my own teary eyes I couldn't tell if I was merely seeing a reflection or if maybe, just maybe, he was holding a few back, too.
My fiance came down and found me with my dad, before commencement began. We waved at each other, and they took pictures. It was the longest three hours just for me to get to find them at the end and hug them.
And my grandma and grandpa were there, as my grandmother reminded me, they had promised. They had promised no matter what that when I finished, one day they would be there.
And the best part, the thing that even now thinking about just makes me want to cry tears of joy, is the part when I finally found my family afterward and greeted everyone, and hugged my mother. On her birthday. I graduated on her birthday.
That's when I lost it, I guess. That's when I couldn't control it anymore, and the tears came out.
I said, "I love you, Mom. I couldn't have done it without you."
"Yes you could," she said. "You're strong."
But what I've been thinking about more than everything else is where that strength came from; only, when my family gathered up at my parent's house that evening, and I glanced across the room at my aunt and uncle and parents and grandparents, and sisters, and the love of my life, I knew.
I did it. I knew it was coming. I knew one day it would, if I kept trying, but I didn't really know until it was done.
I can't name all the friends who told me they were proud of me, that I never gave up.
It reminded me also, of all those years I felt alone, but then, in my proudest moment, I was not alone, and I was surrounded by people who understood at least a fraction of a percent what it took for me to do what I did.
I've got this certain feeling that no matter what, this is something I'm going to take with me for a long time, this story, this accomplishment, that helped shape who I became, and who I became in spite of countless setbacks, both inside and outside of my control.
I fucking did it. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do with it yet. Except, I'm inspired, and I hope this inspires someone, and the rest, the rest of what I feel, is this peculiar breed of happiness that I'm content to hold on to, and relish for years to come.
It's official. I'm a college graduate. I graduated Cum Laude, and just shy of an overall GPA of 3.0 (.004 points too short to be exact - UH - Why the fuck three decimal places, huh?).
There are few days in one's life, I think, when one thinks to his- or herself, Well, this may be it. This may be the best day of my life. Or, This may be the best weekend I've ever had.
That's too big. That's too hard. Rather than making large blanket statements, it's probably best to focus on the micro-level, the small things that made such a monstrous occasion so monstrous.
A few things stand out.
The first is the music. "Pomp and Circumstance." It stayed in my head for days after, the same way Cake's songs did after I saw them in concert a few days ago, except it rang and repeated so clearly. It filled my head, a cross between a dream and reality. It stayed in the background, providing a soundtrack for my inner thoughts for days, and if I concentrate, and if I listen hard enough, I can still hear it.
When we finally marched out from the field house, and entered Hofheinz Pavilion, and I could see all the smiling faces looming down on us, the graduates, as we walked, that's the first time it hit me. I wouldn't let it yet, though. I got all choked up, tears brimmed in my eyes, but I kept them in through salty cloudy vision gazing up and down the rows as I walked to my seat.
And then a speech, by some theater undergrad, it really got me. Something cheesy about the journey that brought us there, and I started to think about mine. A letter in the program from the President of UH said something about writing to us on our proudest, highest moment in our education, the day we had all been waiting for, which of course, led me to think of my own journey.
My friend Angela said something later that night, comparing it to the moment of death, recalling the expression of life passing before your eyes in seconds, and I suppose that is how it went.
The strangest of emotions, heightened, each of them, coursed through me like an electrical current made of smoke and ocean waves, hitting me on all sides, in every square inch of my body. I was not just thinking about college. I was thinking about 10 years.
I was thinking about the struggle and jobs and starving and drinking too much and worrying about bills and taking semesters off when I didn't have the money and working and little sleep and waking up again, and breaking up, and drinking, heavily, and sadness, and going to jail, and hitting the floor, and picking myself up, and studying so hard, and just the longest days and the hardest times I ever had.
You should have seen the look on my dad's face. Michael. I have never seen him so proud. His grin must have been as wide as mine. And through my own teary eyes I couldn't tell if I was merely seeing a reflection or if maybe, just maybe, he was holding a few back, too.
My fiance came down and found me with my dad, before commencement began. We waved at each other, and they took pictures. It was the longest three hours just for me to get to find them at the end and hug them.
And my grandma and grandpa were there, as my grandmother reminded me, they had promised. They had promised no matter what that when I finished, one day they would be there.
And the best part, the thing that even now thinking about just makes me want to cry tears of joy, is the part when I finally found my family afterward and greeted everyone, and hugged my mother. On her birthday. I graduated on her birthday.
That's when I lost it, I guess. That's when I couldn't control it anymore, and the tears came out.
I said, "I love you, Mom. I couldn't have done it without you."
"Yes you could," she said. "You're strong."
But what I've been thinking about more than everything else is where that strength came from; only, when my family gathered up at my parent's house that evening, and I glanced across the room at my aunt and uncle and parents and grandparents, and sisters, and the love of my life, I knew.
I did it. I knew it was coming. I knew one day it would, if I kept trying, but I didn't really know until it was done.
I can't name all the friends who told me they were proud of me, that I never gave up.
It reminded me also, of all those years I felt alone, but then, in my proudest moment, I was not alone, and I was surrounded by people who understood at least a fraction of a percent what it took for me to do what I did.
I've got this certain feeling that no matter what, this is something I'm going to take with me for a long time, this story, this accomplishment, that helped shape who I became, and who I became in spite of countless setbacks, both inside and outside of my control.
I fucking did it. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do with it yet. Except, I'm inspired, and I hope this inspires someone, and the rest, the rest of what I feel, is this peculiar breed of happiness that I'm content to hold on to, and relish for years to come.
Labels: College, Graduation
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
You know what's funny?
I am doing so well lately. Very, very well. I have a new job. I work 8 to 5:30, and even get to leave for a couple hours on Tues. and Thurs. to go to a class.
I only need six classes to graduate, and I am enrolled in three.
I moved in with a friend of mine, a familiar place. Know lots of my neighbors, as they are old friends.
I'm making more money per hour than I ever have. I do not have to worry about financial stuff anymore at all, so long as I stick to this nice budget I made for myself that doesn't even have to be too strict.
My little sister just had a beautiful baby. I'm so excited. I haven't seen her yet, but may tonight, or by the end of the week.
I feel more on my own, and confident, and I have many goals that I think are realistic, and I've been reading some really amazing books that in a way like experience just propel me further into my own specific context, if that makes sense.
Oh, and my mother. I have been afraid to say anything, because she still has lots of chemo to go through and these things can be unpredictable and I don't want to get ahead of myself, but anyway, she had her first follow-up with the radiologist since the treatments started. It's a miracle, I believe. And I hope it is not a mistake. And I feel very blessed. But, after just a couple months of chemo, the consensus is that the spots are gone. I am amazed. How could one go from Stage 4 liver cancer, four spots, to nothing, in just a couple months? My mother is a brilliant, strong, compassionate woman. Some combination of god or her own will, or everyone else who loves her, of course, along with giving some credit to the advancement of modern medicine, is responsible. And I am grateful.
I was going to write about the two things that have left me slightly unsettled, but in the wake of all this good news, it seems a little silly. Maybe I'll come back to these things some other time.
Although, just for the title's sake, the funny part, which sums up the other stuff, I shall leave you with what this was initially supposed to lead up to -- the lyrics of the unfortunate Phil Collins song from which a small piece flew back and forth in my brain this morning, only to drift away and settle with me again here and now, on my lunch break.
"In Too Deep"
All that time I was searching, with nowhere to run to, it started me thinking,
Wondering what I could make of my life, and who'd be waiting,
Asking all kinds of questions, to myself, but never finding the answers,
Crying at the top of my voice, and no one listening,
All this time, I still remember everything you said
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget.
Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.
So listen, listen to me,
Ooh you must believe me,
I can feel your eyes go thru me,
But I don't know why.
Ooh I know you're going, but I can't believe
It's the way that you're leaving,
It's like we never knew each other at all, it may be my fault,
I gave you too many reasons, being alone, when I didn't want to
I thought you'd always be there, I almost believed you,
All this time, I still remember everything you said, oh
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget.
Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.
So listen, listen to me,
I can feel your eyes go thru me
It seems I've spent too long
Only thinking about myself - oh
Now I want to spend my life Just caring bout somebody else.
Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.
You know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep...
I am doing so well lately. Very, very well. I have a new job. I work 8 to 5:30, and even get to leave for a couple hours on Tues. and Thurs. to go to a class.
I only need six classes to graduate, and I am enrolled in three.
I moved in with a friend of mine, a familiar place. Know lots of my neighbors, as they are old friends.
I'm making more money per hour than I ever have. I do not have to worry about financial stuff anymore at all, so long as I stick to this nice budget I made for myself that doesn't even have to be too strict.
My little sister just had a beautiful baby. I'm so excited. I haven't seen her yet, but may tonight, or by the end of the week.
I feel more on my own, and confident, and I have many goals that I think are realistic, and I've been reading some really amazing books that in a way like experience just propel me further into my own specific context, if that makes sense.
Oh, and my mother. I have been afraid to say anything, because she still has lots of chemo to go through and these things can be unpredictable and I don't want to get ahead of myself, but anyway, she had her first follow-up with the radiologist since the treatments started. It's a miracle, I believe. And I hope it is not a mistake. And I feel very blessed. But, after just a couple months of chemo, the consensus is that the spots are gone. I am amazed. How could one go from Stage 4 liver cancer, four spots, to nothing, in just a couple months? My mother is a brilliant, strong, compassionate woman. Some combination of god or her own will, or everyone else who loves her, of course, along with giving some credit to the advancement of modern medicine, is responsible. And I am grateful.
I was going to write about the two things that have left me slightly unsettled, but in the wake of all this good news, it seems a little silly. Maybe I'll come back to these things some other time.
Although, just for the title's sake, the funny part, which sums up the other stuff, I shall leave you with what this was initially supposed to lead up to -- the lyrics of the unfortunate Phil Collins song from which a small piece flew back and forth in my brain this morning, only to drift away and settle with me again here and now, on my lunch break.
"In Too Deep"
All that time I was searching, with nowhere to run to, it started me thinking,
Wondering what I could make of my life, and who'd be waiting,
Asking all kinds of questions, to myself, but never finding the answers,
Crying at the top of my voice, and no one listening,
All this time, I still remember everything you said
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget.
Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.
So listen, listen to me,
Ooh you must believe me,
I can feel your eyes go thru me,
But I don't know why.
Ooh I know you're going, but I can't believe
It's the way that you're leaving,
It's like we never knew each other at all, it may be my fault,
I gave you too many reasons, being alone, when I didn't want to
I thought you'd always be there, I almost believed you,
All this time, I still remember everything you said, oh
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget.
Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.
So listen, listen to me,
I can feel your eyes go thru me
It seems I've spent too long
Only thinking about myself - oh
Now I want to spend my life Just caring bout somebody else.
Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.
You know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep...
Labels: Cancer, College, Goals, Graduation, Music
