Wednesday, January 16, 2008
You know what's funny?
I am doing so well lately. Very, very well. I have a new job. I work 8 to 5:30, and even get to leave for a couple hours on Tues. and Thurs. to go to a class.
I only need six classes to graduate, and I am enrolled in three.
I moved in with a friend of mine, a familiar place. Know lots of my neighbors, as they are old friends.
I'm making more money per hour than I ever have. I do not have to worry about financial stuff anymore at all, so long as I stick to this nice budget I made for myself that doesn't even have to be too strict.
My little sister just had a beautiful baby. I'm so excited. I haven't seen her yet, but may tonight, or by the end of the week.
I feel more on my own, and confident, and I have many goals that I think are realistic, and I've been reading some really amazing books that in a way like experience just propel me further into my own specific context, if that makes sense.
Oh, and my mother. I have been afraid to say anything, because she still has lots of chemo to go through and these things can be unpredictable and I don't want to get ahead of myself, but anyway, she had her first follow-up with the radiologist since the treatments started. It's a miracle, I believe. And I hope it is not a mistake. And I feel very blessed. But, after just a couple months of chemo, the consensus is that the spots are gone. I am amazed. How could one go from Stage 4 liver cancer, four spots, to nothing, in just a couple months? My mother is a brilliant, strong, compassionate woman. Some combination of god or her own will, or everyone else who loves her, of course, along with giving some credit to the advancement of modern medicine, is responsible. And I am grateful.
I was going to write about the two things that have left me slightly unsettled, but in the wake of all this good news, it seems a little silly. Maybe I'll come back to these things some other time.
Although, just for the title's sake, the funny part, which sums up the other stuff, I shall leave you with what this was initially supposed to lead up to -- the lyrics of the unfortunate Phil Collins song from which a small piece flew back and forth in my brain this morning, only to drift away and settle with me again here and now, on my lunch break.
"In Too Deep"
All that time I was searching, with nowhere to run to, it started me thinking,
Wondering what I could make of my life, and who'd be waiting,
Asking all kinds of questions, to myself, but never finding the answers,
Crying at the top of my voice, and no one listening,
All this time, I still remember everything you said
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget.
Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.
So listen, listen to me,
Ooh you must believe me,
I can feel your eyes go thru me,
But I don't know why.
Ooh I know you're going, but I can't believe
It's the way that you're leaving,
It's like we never knew each other at all, it may be my fault,
I gave you too many reasons, being alone, when I didn't want to
I thought you'd always be there, I almost believed you,
All this time, I still remember everything you said, oh
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget.
Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.
So listen, listen to me,
I can feel your eyes go thru me
It seems I've spent too long
Only thinking about myself - oh
Now I want to spend my life Just caring bout somebody else.
Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.
You know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep...
I am doing so well lately. Very, very well. I have a new job. I work 8 to 5:30, and even get to leave for a couple hours on Tues. and Thurs. to go to a class.
I only need six classes to graduate, and I am enrolled in three.
I moved in with a friend of mine, a familiar place. Know lots of my neighbors, as they are old friends.
I'm making more money per hour than I ever have. I do not have to worry about financial stuff anymore at all, so long as I stick to this nice budget I made for myself that doesn't even have to be too strict.
My little sister just had a beautiful baby. I'm so excited. I haven't seen her yet, but may tonight, or by the end of the week.
I feel more on my own, and confident, and I have many goals that I think are realistic, and I've been reading some really amazing books that in a way like experience just propel me further into my own specific context, if that makes sense.
Oh, and my mother. I have been afraid to say anything, because she still has lots of chemo to go through and these things can be unpredictable and I don't want to get ahead of myself, but anyway, she had her first follow-up with the radiologist since the treatments started. It's a miracle, I believe. And I hope it is not a mistake. And I feel very blessed. But, after just a couple months of chemo, the consensus is that the spots are gone. I am amazed. How could one go from Stage 4 liver cancer, four spots, to nothing, in just a couple months? My mother is a brilliant, strong, compassionate woman. Some combination of god or her own will, or everyone else who loves her, of course, along with giving some credit to the advancement of modern medicine, is responsible. And I am grateful.
I was going to write about the two things that have left me slightly unsettled, but in the wake of all this good news, it seems a little silly. Maybe I'll come back to these things some other time.
Although, just for the title's sake, the funny part, which sums up the other stuff, I shall leave you with what this was initially supposed to lead up to -- the lyrics of the unfortunate Phil Collins song from which a small piece flew back and forth in my brain this morning, only to drift away and settle with me again here and now, on my lunch break.
"In Too Deep"
All that time I was searching, with nowhere to run to, it started me thinking,
Wondering what I could make of my life, and who'd be waiting,
Asking all kinds of questions, to myself, but never finding the answers,
Crying at the top of my voice, and no one listening,
All this time, I still remember everything you said
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget.
Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.
So listen, listen to me,
Ooh you must believe me,
I can feel your eyes go thru me,
But I don't know why.
Ooh I know you're going, but I can't believe
It's the way that you're leaving,
It's like we never knew each other at all, it may be my fault,
I gave you too many reasons, being alone, when I didn't want to
I thought you'd always be there, I almost believed you,
All this time, I still remember everything you said, oh
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget.
Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.
So listen, listen to me,
I can feel your eyes go thru me
It seems I've spent too long
Only thinking about myself - oh
Now I want to spend my life Just caring bout somebody else.
Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.
You know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep...
Labels: Cancer, College, Goals, Graduation, Music
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