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Monday, February 06, 2023

10 Plus Years Later 

This is 42. I am at home, sick, after working myself like a dog for several months. I didn't know I was doing it exactly. I was "mission focused", I said. Have lots of financial and career goals. Also, though I'm heartbroken. I have been running away from the negative feelings putting myself to work. Life's a mixed bag, I've learned. You can focus on the good and you can let the bad ruminate and destroy you. So here I am. Where could I possibly begin so long after stopping? A divorce, a near death experience, a career change, many out of state moves later. I'm happy with my life. I'm much more better at functioning anymore. I think I'm better at showing up for people in general. I like to think I am a better person and friend. I like to think I'm strong but I still break like a little girl, like the song, you know? I miss writing and I've become a very private person. There's no privacy anymore and this feels more annonymous that most places you can write anymore, while still being public. Also, I hate my art a lot of the time. I talked to Daniel Clowes about that once, years ago. I met him in a Downtown Berkeley bookstore. He said he hates his art "all the time," but that, "you learn to forgive yourself." I feel like art is really self-involved. Like it is a truly selfish act sometimes. I know a lot of artists, a lot of musicians. I will say this is more in the performance art space, but also in the writing space, that people seem really self-important and/or starved for attention. Like everyone's out in the world screaming "look at me! look at me!" you know? "Look what I can do!" Like we are all 8-years old. Or at least, the 8 year olds inside never leave us. I saw a short film on Disney Plus recently that was sort of about that. Nailed it. Surprisingly so. Maybe I'll revisit this later. It's a start of something maybe. I miss writing. Does that mean I miss being selfish? I miss being in touch with my feelings. I forgot how cathartic this could always be for me.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

6/21/11

My father died a year ago today. Being that he died the day after Father's Day, and that I was surrounded and bombarded with Father's Day images, special offers, and consumerism all last week, I was feeling a little emotional and even had to hold back tears at a few random times, such as at work and on the train. I even cried while walking my dog.

But overall, I feel better today. I think it's because yesterday I realized something. Yesterday I realized that over the last year, of all the conflicting and complex emotions I have felt, the overwhelming one that eclipses all the others is the fact that I miss my old man.

I could take this fact and regret that it had been so long since we'd spoken and use it to beat myself up; or, I can be grateful for that feeling: to no longer be engulfed in anger or sadness -- just pangs of missing him.

I miss him because he was my daddy. I miss him because of all those pieces of me that were him. I miss him because he made me laugh. Perhaps most importantly, I miss him because he never judged me, always loved and accepted me, and always seemed proud --just of me existing.

A year ago I wrote that I hoped in your death I could forgive you. For now, missing you is enough. It gives me hope that I will get there, and that over time, things will continue to hurt even less and that only good memories will remain, memories of who you were, and who you wanted to be.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Notes from the Road - 5/15/11

Just on the road from seeing The Grand Canyon for the first time. We are a couple of hours from In-N-Out burger, and then it's on to Bakersfield.

Tomorrow we will head from Bakersfield to our new home in Walnut Creek. It's hard to write in the car. It's cramped and piled high in the back. The dogs are asleep on the pile -- we covered up our bags with their blankets.

I have to say the Grand Canyon is one of the most spectacular things I've ever seen. Would love to spend more time there someday.

Speaking of someday, it IS someday! I can't tell you how many times in my life I have thought, When am I going to be happy? When am I going to find someone? When am I going to get the hell out of Houston? When's my turn? It took a long, long time, but I think I've learned the secret to happiness -- it's creating it. It's letting go of the past, savoring the only life you have, and setting goals, and reaching them through one small step at a time.

It's been quite a journey, yet it's also a new beginning. Instead of grad school, and becoming a teacher, I got a job. I will be commuting every day to Downtown SF. I just know I'm going to love it. We're moving to possibly the most fun city in the world! It's beautiful, and full of stuff to do, and full of transplants just like me.

I'm not homesick. I expect to be sometime. I wish I could have spent more time with some people like Renee and my niece. She's really special. But all in all technology is awesome. I will still email Mer like every day, and I'll call my Grandma once a week, and Renee's getting Skype, I think. There is too much to be excited about right now. Too much to be grateful for. I know these times will have their challenges, but I am confident that I can handle them. I'm just ready to enjoy the present for a little while.

I wrote seven years ago that I wanted love in my life. I wanted to love my job, and to have someone to love who would love me back, and to live in a place that I love just as much. It's a tall order, but I'm remembering that, and feeling damn lucky, and ever so grateful. Just really happy.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Little Things and Big Things

I have to tell you what a relief it is to not have much to worry about anymore. It definitely came down to the wire, as we are leaving in less than two weeks, but we got the news Monday that we are going on two incomes, and man, that was nice to hear!

Toby's proposal didn't get completely approved, in that it will not be indefinite, but he did swing a contract through the end of August -- We'll take it! And I passed all the pre-employment processes with flying colors, and start my job May 31st -- which gives me a week-long vacation before I get to California! -- I'll take that, too!

Our "dining room" is floor to ceiling with packed boxes. I stayed home sick yesterday (getting over a horrible case of stomach flu or food poisoning, picked up during some of the weekend's going away celebrations, joy!), and managed to go through several years' worth of old papers that I was determined not to move this time. I shredded an embarrassing amount of them, but it was definitely liberating.

I have been experiencing some strange feelings lately. Right now, I am very excited, but in general, the last few weeks has been a rollercoaster. Last week, I cried like three days in a row, and couldn't pinpoint the reason. I guess because I don't know if I've felt this way before. It's been nearly seven years since I left for Seattle. Nearly 20 since I've been in Houston. A lot of things are different now.

UH is different. I took a walk the other day, and saw new buildings, and more new buildings where old things used to be, and one day, I was eating lunch in one of those new buildings, and I thought to myself, This place didn't even exist until a year or two ago, and it was almost like it was a fiction or something. Hard to explain. Many times before I had walked around, and even seen the students, and thought about how it's an entirely different generation. No one dresses anything like my friends and I did here back in the day. Sometimes it's like a completely different place.

But something has changed recently in the way I perceive the changes. I used to walk around and, the things that were the same, I would relive all these memories; and the things that were different, I would think, ugh, I'm still here. The other day though, for the first time it seemed more like a mirror. This campus isn't the only thing that's different. I'm different, and I have been for a long while.

As of today, I have five days left of work. Only five days left of this campus, this place I have wandered around since I was 12 years old. I don't just feel like I've grown up here, I have grown up here. Not just in Houston, but on this campus. My dad has worked here for as long as we've lived here. My older sister went here. I'd been visiting this place since long before I became a student, and then an employee.

Now, it's time for a real change. A new city. A new place to call home.

I'm sure I will feel lonely sometimes, but mostly, I'm not worried. Technology makes moving easier than ever. When I was a kid moving around, there was no easy way to stay in touch. Now there's cell phones and Skype, and email, Facebook ...

Besides, I'm old enough to know what matters to me. I'm old enough to know who matters to me, and proximity isn't going to be a prime factor in determining those kinds of things anymore. My best friends will still be my best friends.

I just had a conversation with my boss, and told her about how excited we are, and that Toby's contract went through. I also will be starting work later than I had planned -- the 31st instead of the 23rd -- so I will have a whole week to unpack and explore before I start my new job. And she said, "See? That's how you know it's meant to be, when everything is working out like that."

I am amazed at how into place everything seems to be falling, and so quickly; and unlike how I may have reacted in the past, I will not doubt it one bit. I am just incredibly grateful.

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Friday, April 01, 2011

The Other Side of the Story

Yesterday's observation was completely different from what I saw at the high school. I saw kids having fun. I saw kids raising their hands. I saw several good lessons. Most importantly though, I saw kids learning.

The Harmony Schools are a chain of charter schools started by a Turkish Islamic philanthropists. They have come under fire by some people who think they are out to turn Americas children into Muslims, but actually, that claim is completely ridiculous. What the schools really are is a place for American children to learn so they can compete internationally, because the United States has fallen behind.

***

4/20/11

It has been a few weeks since I began this post about my experience at the charter school, but really, if you just think of everything the opposite of what I posted about the high school, you will be able to imagine it right.

So much has happened in the last couple of weeks.

At some point, I applied for a job. It's a corporate job, a support position kind of like what I do already, but with a great company, in San Francisco. I thought it was a long shot applying from Houston, but I went ahead and tried anyway. A friend of mine works for the company so I sort of had an in, and he sent my resume to the recruiter.

While I was waiting to hear about the job (and not very optimistic), I did my observation at the charter school. It was a great day. The school was a very positive environment. I had a few moments of "Maybe I can do this." My fieldwork coordinator at the University had asked that I observe at all levels and think about what I would like to teach. I was somewhat torn. I had a wonderful time in the first-grade class. I think elementary school would be really fun. I also had a great time attending the resource classes. I went to two classes taught by the school's only special education teacher. She had only a few students. The first class was with three boys, all in eighth grade. Two of them were working on math, and one of them was working on English. The one working on English was very behind reading level; they were still working on phonemic awareness, which is like first-grade reading stuff. The next class was with the two who had previously been working on math, only she was working on English with them. They were writing their autobiographies. They had each written about a paragraph so far, and had read it aloud. She said when she started with them, they could barely put together a sentence. She said they had come a long way. She was very proud. She said she had almost gotten an MBA at UH. She had applied and everything, but changed her mind at the last minute and went into teaching. I thought that was pretty brave.

The day after I finished my observation, I spoke to my fieldwork coordinator. It was the last step before being admitted. He talked to me about my experiences. He has been through the program I am doing. He broke the news to me that 75 percent of the students in the program end up teaching ninth or tenth grade at a high school like the one I observed. That was pretty tough to swallow. In the end, I told him that when I commit to something, I do it.

But I felt sick to my stomach. And nervous all weekend. The following Friday, when my acceptance letter came in, I wasn't as excited as I should have been. I'm trying to sort out if it's nerves or fear or if the second thoughts are real. I also did research with student loan calculators, and the amount that I will end up borrowing between my graduate and undergraduate degrees combined is scary as well, especially for something like teaching, where I know what my salary will be for a few years -- not much of a payoff there. At the same time, it is a master's. After teaching, if I wanted to do something else, with a master's and a background in education, I would have tons of options, corporate, nonprofit, or in the same field.

I have had three interviews in three weeks. I ended up landing interviews for the corporate job. Three phone interviews. First with the regional recruiter, then with an operations manager, and next with the other two operations managers. I would be supporting the three of them. I am really hoping at this point to get the job. If I do, I will defer enrollment to USF. It's not that I don't want to go, but it's good to have options, and it would be great to have a year to adjust before having to start a new stressful job and grad school. The closer it gets, the more anxious I have been.

The hubby has written a proposal that may allow him to keep his job, with a little less pay and no benefits, out in California. He turned it in Monday, the same day as my third interview.

Monday felt really good, man. Monday we were flying high. Yesterday, not so much. This waiting business is going to be the death of us. But I know everything is going to be out in the open very soon, hopefully by this weekend. So, we are waiting.

Waiting, waiting, waiting.

I just can't wait to get there. I can't wait for clean air and 50-degree weather. I can't wait to walk my dogs early some morning on the Fisherman's Wharf. I can't wait for all the mountains and trees, and the beaches. The summer is cold in San Francisco, but you don't have to drive far, maybe even just across the bridge, to get out of the fog and onto a warm beach.

We keep saying that this will be the biggest thing we've ever done, bigger and scarier than getting married even, if that's possible. This Saturday marks our one year anniversary. It sure is an exciting time.

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Friday, March 25, 2011

Catharsis

Ever work so hard for something, only to find out it wasn't what you thought?

I learned a valuable lesson, and I'm going to try my best to take pride in it rather than feel foolish.

I thought about teaching for many years of my life. I thought about education reform; wrote about the issues; read tons of books on the subject; and had lots of opinions. I felt so strongly about these things.

Then, I've always been indecisive. I have so many interests. I thought I could wrap them all up and bring them to my classroom. I thought the things I love and learn, I could share and use to teach others.

I thought I could make a difference.

The truth is I jumped the gun.

I did this thing in January called the 30 Day Challenge. It was about getting organized and evaluating your priorities and taking charge of your life, one step at a time. I got really into it. It helped motivate me to get things done and stay organized and not freak out.

I wrote out steps to achieving our goals -- finishing my application to grad school being number one. I did it. I also mapped out all the steps I saw us needing to cross off in order to get to California.

I finished my application, and interviewed with both a professor from my program, and the fieldwork coordinator (the guy that would have helped me find my full-time teaching job). When I thought it was all done, they suggested I spend some time in classrooms before they make a decision. They wanted to make sure I was sure.

I was so sure.

Yesterday, I spent the day at Aldine High School. It is a school of 99.9% minorities, most of which are living in poverty. My friend, the Assistant Principal, set me up for a full day of seven classes. He purposely gave me a chance to see three good teachers, one really bad teacher, one that was just okay, and a couple that were struggling.

It was a full day.

First period, U.S. history: The teacher was one of the "good" teachers. My friend had told me about some things to look for when I was observing, so I was prepared. I noted how the room was set up. I noted the teacher's traffic around the room -- he said the teachers were supposed to walk by every student, and that their rooms were supposed to be set up to accommodate that. He said they checked the rooms at the beginning of every semester, but that the teachers would change them afterward. He also had said he and the other administrators have been pushing to encourage critical thinking. They've been telling the teachers to ask questions. To not only ask questions, but to question the students' answers. They've also been trying to encourage the teachers to seek out more than one answer before moving forward with the material. I did not see these things. I saw the same three students answering questions. I saw just as many sleeping. I saw the teacher either answering yes or no questions a lot, or asking questions where the answer was directly in front on her PowerPoints. It was a review from the day before, but the students weren't really expected to remember anything. Toward the end of class, she asked a student to help her pass out some booklets. Barely looking up, he said matter-of-factly, coldly, "No, I don't want to help you."

"Seriously?" one of the students who had been answering questions asked -- taking the word right out of my head.

"Oh, yes, he's definitely serious," the teacher said, still holding the books, and the student who had been answering the questions got up out of his chair, and volunteered to pass the books out.

Second period, sophomore English: Although this class turned out to have my favorite teacher from the day, it was far from impressive. The class was junior English, and the kids were about to start reading The Crucible. The teacher seemed young. He talked to me about UH some at the beginning of the class, so I think he was an alum. When he got up to lecture, the class seemed interested. He was relaxed, and he cracked jokes now and then. He asked open-ended questions, and the students answered. Two things didn't sit well with me, though. One was that a couple students were asleep, and by the end of class, about six were, and the teacher did nothing to remedy the situation. The other thing though was how dumbed-down the lecture was. He was spending the hour giving them a context of what the times were like in the setting of The Crucible. He also referenced the time when it was written, and explained to them the connection between the witch hunt in the story and the real-life Red Scare that Arthur Miller was experiencing. Bu the PowerPoints were borrowed from some poorly designed Web site, and all they contained were replications of old British paintings of witches being persecuted and convicted. He was asking the students what was happening in the pictures, and what they thought about them. It all seemed very elementary to me for a class that was just a little over a year from going out into the grown-up world, possibly to college.

Third period, English IV: By the end of third period, my heart was broken. The senior English teacher was a veteran of 36 years in the classroom, and is retiring in May. She's done. She's so done that she talked to me for ten minutes after the bell rang before even starting her class, beginning with a greeting at the door: "Are you sure you want to do this?" She's so done that she passed out a reading assignment -- "Lamb to the Slaughter" by Roald Dahl, three pages front and back, plus one half-page, double-spaced -- and came back and talked to me. She talked a lot. She had a lot to get off her chest I guess, and I was willing to listen. I had decided to use the opportunity for what the staff at USF wanted me to do -- to really get a feel for things and decide if teaching was right for me. She talked for a long time, stopping once to project some questions the students needed to answer about the story on the wall, and stopping once more to scroll the questions down for the one person who was working. In the entire class, I didn't see anyone reading. I didn't see anyone writing. I did see someone sleeping; she told me he had failed the previous semester from being out most of the time, and sleeping the rest, but he will probably graduate.

I learned from her that everything wrong with American education today, everything in the books I've read, and the newspapers, and the blogs, everything I would have imagined I would hate about it, is true. No Child Left Behind ruined everything. It furthered the dumbing down of America. The kids don't listen. Don't have any respect. High school seniors and they don't even bring pencils to class. Since they don't even bring in the most basic supplies, guess who buys them? Not the district. She said she couldn't imagine, didn't even want to think about, what she'd spent on supplies over 36 years. Not only that, she said they don't read books. The school doesn't even make them. They don't usually assign stories more than one page long. The kids don't write; they can't. I saw on the assignment on the board that she had written that points would be taken off for incorrect grammar. I asked her if any of her students turned in anything not needing help with grammar. She said no. She said that in their gangster neighborhoods, they have invented their own language, and they put it in their papers. I asked if she had seen short-hand that is used in text messages. She said, "All the time." I asked if she had many non-native English speakers. She said not really, but that English was a foreign language to all of them. She talked about the schools she went to growing up. And college. She talked about what kind of teacher she used to be, what kind she is now. She was very aware of herself and everything. She was a lot like me, except all these things I had thought about and considered, she had actually lived. I told her about what I had seen at UH, that this didn't stop at the high school, that they were going to college. She said that college isn't for everyone. There are people going to college now that don't need to be in college. I agreed. We have students at UH that can't read at the college-level or write well. We have students that just like in that school, want you to give them the answer to everything. I deal with them at work, and in my last couple years of school especially, I had them in my classes. The ones that would constantly ask if something was going to be on the test, and didn't care otherwise. The ones that weren't really there to learn, that just wanted to do what they needed to do to get by, because they'd always gotten by. The sad thing is it catches up to them eventually, in the corporate world; but it won't always. Eventually everyone will be stupid and ignorant and uneducated, and no one will know the difference. At the end of the class, she invited me back anytime. She wished me luck, and she gave me a hug.

Fourth period, junior English: I wanted to cry. Lunch was approaching, and I had completely lost my appetite. This class wasn't a "bad" teacher, just a "struggling" one. This class was finishing the first act of The Crucible and beginning the second. The teacher assigned parts to the students to read, all five of them who cared. The rest were mostly either heads down or staring out into space, with their books closed. One kid in particular, was in a desk diagonal and in front of me to my left. For the first 25 minutes of class, he sat there, with his backpack on the desk, with this vacant look on his face, and did nothing. Then he put his head down and went to sleep. About 40 minutes into class, the teacher came over, gave him a tap, and made him sit up. "Page 151," he said. "Open your book." The kid opened his book, and the teacher walked away, and the student put his face down in the book to go back to sleep. That was the end of that conversation. About ten minutes later, that same student was called to the office. "What'd you do this time?" the teacher asked as if he were making a joke. Nobody laughed. During the class, the students read about ten pages of the double-spaced play out loud. Ten pages. They read aloud like third-graders. They mistook some words for others, and the teacher never corrected them. They read without expression, like they were just trying to get through the sentences -- kind of like me reading aloud to the class in first-year Italian. The student came back, and class ended.

Lunch: After fourth, it was time for lunch. I was holding the tears back now. I felt like I was hyperventilating. I needed air like I used to need smokes. I weeded through the crowded hallways, walked as fast as I could to the nearest exit I could find. I drank the coffee I'd been carrying around all day, ate half of a Balance Bar from my purse, and took a walk. I came back in with thirty minutes to spare. I figured I'd go to the administrators' office, see if my friend was around. He was. I had a long talk with him. I told him what I had seen and heard. I told him how many students had been asleep. He said that it is the week after spring break. They had 90% attendance this week (which I couldn't believe; there were too many empty seats in the classes I attended), and the teachers were having a hard time keeping the students awake. He said at first they were sending all the sleepers to the office; but that they had gotten so many it became ridiculous. They told the teachers to be more engaging, to deal with it. I guess letting them sleep was the chosen way to "engage" them.

I had fifteen minutes to spare when he said it was time to do "roving." Roving is where you get on this topless golf cart thing and you cruise the school looking for trouble: Looking for kids violating dress code. Looking for kids not wearing their ID badges; looking for kids fighting or making out or doing drugs; looking for kids to send to jail or detention or SAC (the room where the bad kids go for the day or days or weeks). He was that guy: Yelling at them to put their collared shirts back on; to show him their hall passes; to tell him where they were going; to put that ID back on like he had asked them to do moments ago; to not talk to him that way or they were going to end up straight back in SAC. One lucky boy did find his way to SAC for that very thing. My friend used his radio to contact the principal; the principal said to send him there, and keep him there till 5:00. The kid said he couldn't stay till 5:00. We are all listening to the radio. My friend radios the office assistant to ask her to call the kid's parents to confirm the kid can't stay till 5:00. "You know what happened last time I called his parents," she says. When he asks what happened she says, "His father got very smart with me." We follow the kid to SAC and he goes in; we head down another hall, and in the background I can hear another admin doing the same thing -- yelling at some kid that he was going to SAC ... "Oh, yeah? Well, now you have two days in SAC, buddy ... Three! We can do this all day! We can just keep adding days. Try me!"

Later on after school, I asked my friend how it was possible for kids who have failed one semester to still be in the same class for the last half. He said because after their ninth absence (Ninth!) in a semester, the kid fails. Apparently, this happens a lot. The kids miss school a lot. And he started naming off reasons they miss school: illness, of course, but another, court. "Court?" I asked. He said yes, and said many of his students had to miss school to go to court. He also told me that for the time time they spend in detention and SAC, it actually cuts down on their absences. So, a kid gets in trouble for something, and gets sent to Saturday school, for example. That day of school actually somehow knocks off 28 hours of unexcused absence time. Doesn't that seem like a reward, rather than a punishment? That did not make sense to me. It didn't make sense to him either; a lot of the things there don't, but he doesn't make the rules -- he enforces them.

Fifth period, AP English: This class trickled in late, as the kids had to participate in their Fitnessgrams just before. Students and the teacher trailed in, and the kids picked up a half sheet of paper off a table upon entering. I later learn it has seven questions on the chapter of A Tail of Two Cities they read yesterday. The teacher quickly becomes frantic and confused when she realizes about ten of her students are missing -- good students, not the ones that would normally cut class. This is about ten minutes into class, and the teacher disappears for about another ten minutes to look for them. During this time a pretty young girl with long brown curls, small brown eyes, a pair of black Chucks, and a sweet smile, talks to me. She asks me where I go to school, what I want to teach, what I majored in, how old I am, and I tell her. A group of students nearby is working on the assignment. The teacher had told them to use context clues and the dictionary if they did not know what the words in the questions meant. They didn't do that; instead they asked each other, and I overheard them telling each other the wrong answers, confidently. The teacher comes back. The students are found. The crisis is over. They all take their seats, get the half-sheets of paper, and take out their books. She again tells everyone to work on the questions. A girl in a black hat (that I later find out she is not supposed to wear but the teacher thinks the rule is stupid and lets her anyway) and thick black-rimmed glasses sits in front of me. She is one of the latecomers and has a sandwich bag full of ice on her knee, which is very swollen. The ice is melting and is quickly creating a puddle on the floor. The girl to my left tells me she wants to be a nurse when she graduates. My friend had told me earlier that the school is broken up into three pre-vocational tracks, to set up the students for careers when they get out. She is in the medical track. No one in the medical track talks about being a doctor, though. The medical track is for nurses and other medical technicians. She says she has a close family and wants to go to college close to home. Another fifteen minutes have passed, and the teacher says it is time to start reading. The students turn to chapter two in their books, and the teacher stands in the middle of the room, and the teacher begins reading aloud to them while a few follow along. "I hate reading," the girl next to me says. "I hate it." She goes on to elaborate about how it takes a lot to get her attention, and she can never finish anything, and she could think of a million things to do other than reading. She says, "I don't even know why I am in AP English, just because I did well on the TAKS test (the TAKS is Texas's latest and greatest evaluation the kids are doing almost every other year now, a product of the glorious NCLB policy. The girl in the hat turns around and says, "You are in AP English because you are smart. You are so smart, but you are so lazy." At that moment I was reminded of a quote from this movie I saw one time, where a man asked rhetorically whether the true de-evolution of the human race was fear or laziness. I kept this to myself, but it remained on my mind for much of the day. The teacher continued reading, plowing through, in spite of the conversation the students and I were having, and another group of students in the corner; and one in the back who had been sleeping since he got there in the beginning. The girl next to me lets me know one more time how much she hates reading, closes her book, and puts her head down for a nap. The teacher says nothing.

Sixth period, U.S. history: One of the coaches teaches this class. It is completely full of students. They all say hi to me when I come in, and he announces I will be observing. I find a seat and he goes over an assignment. This class is following the same material as the first period class I went to, only instead of lecturing on the '60s, he assigns for them to make a timeline. On the projector he has ten events that he talks about briefly. He says he would like for them to be put on a timeline, and for the students to also add two events of their own that they think are important or interesting. He passes out a paper with the events typed out on them. They do not contain dates; he wants the students to read the textbook and find them. The next thing I know, the students are paired up, and markers and large white pieces of paper, scissors, and glue are being passed out by the co-teacher. They begin working on their timelines. No one sleeps in this class, and they all seem to be working, but they are also talking about other things. The kid behind me and his partner were having a conversation when I first came and sat down. Every other word from him was a swear word and he wasn't being quiet about it. When I gave him a look, he stopped for awhile. They later spent the rest of the period conversing in Spanish. The coach sat behind his computer most of the class. He did come by at one point to check on the students, but he mostly kept to himself. I asked the students what they thought of the assignment, and they said they liked it. In fact, the room was decorated with poster-boards the students had decorated; each represented a different decade of American history. When I left the class, I thanked the teacher and asked him if he gave these assignments often. He said he did like to assign group work, and the kids seemed to like it, too. I'll admit it was nice to see the kids engaged; this was probably my second-favorite class. But just like the second-period, the lesson wasn't very challenging, didn't encourage critical thinking, or go into depth at all. On one hand it was uplifting to at least see that no one was sleeping; on the other, I couldn't help but feel they were doing busy work.

Seventh period, world history: Although I wasn't able to observe much in this class, it was just as productive for me as the others. The teacher was giving out a practice TAKS test. The test was multiple choice, and he was to give half of it that day, and the other half the following day. The teacher gave me a copy of the whole test, and I looked over the 52 questions, 26 of which the students were doing for the day. Most of them were pretty elementary stuff, like reading maps. There would be a map of Europe with all the countries labeled, and it would ask which countries were bordering another country, or which country had the longest border -- stuff fifth-graders should be able to do. The teacher came over with a packet of papers stapled together. It was the tenth-graders' test results from two years ago, when they were in eighth grade. The teacher said his plan was to compare these scores to the students' scores on the practice test, and from there figure out who needed tutoring. "What do they need to pass," I asked him. "An 80 or something." My jaw dropped to the floor when he pointed out a passing score on the spreadsheet: a 52%. The students only need to score 50% to pass. That's what No Child Left Behind did. This is what is so important? This is the goal that we are setting high for our nations' kids? The goals for the school were posted all over its walls, including on a large bulletin board in the front entrance. Big goals. Big dreams. Ninety to 95% in all areas -- history, English, etc. Because that's where our public schools have gone. If we can get 90% of our kids to know 50% of the material they are supposed to learn in school, if we can spend all year long teaching them just for that, just for those 52 history questions, for example -- multiple choice, no essays. If we can do that, then we are in the clear. We are flying high. We are making it happen.


You can see why just one day of this was discouraging, right? Why by the middle of fourth period, I wanted to run as far away from this prison-like day care system with fluorescent lights, as soon as possible?

Why for the first time in as long as I can remember I felt truly hopeless? That this situation is hopeless. That it is a losing battle. That this is a lost cause.

I spent the entire next day trying once again to hold back tears. It was back to work, and since I had used sick time to take the day off to observe and had lied saying I had doctors appointments, I could exactly discuss it with anyone, either.

This Thursday, I am going to another school, a hopeful, smaller, charter school, for kindergarten through eighth grade, and one in a chain of successful schools with a focus on math and science started by a Turkish Islamic philanthropist. A friend of mine is a math teacher there. She says it is a wonderful place, and will be cake after what I saw last week. I'm looking forward to it, while at the same time dreading it.

I thought I had done my homework. I thought I was following a calling. I thought I knew what to expect. I found that it is completely different to live it.

So many teachers are to blame right now. So many politicians, lawmakers, administrators high and low. So many reporters have opinions. Even I have had opinions. I used to write about all this stuff a lot in the Cougar, and used to think about it even more. The more I look at it, the more it's this huge jumbled complex issue. What if education is a black hole? What if it will swallow me whole? What if it will eat my soul? I used to sometimes think it was the teachers. I used to sometimes think it was the policies or lack of funds to blame. Now, after just one day, I see even more sides. I'm not sure I want to pick one. I'm not sure I want to be any of them. I'm not sure about much. I'm just not.

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Saturday, March 12, 2011

Songs in the Key of Cara



1. Your Favorite Song -- I don't know that I have a favorite song. "Hit or Miss" by New Found Glory was one for a long time. Still near the top. Then, I could think of a crapload of Weezer songs. But then, I thought of this one, which I spent lots of time listening to on repeat in the summer of 2007, and many times since:
"Smoke" by Ben Folds

2. Least Favorite Song -- I did not include this in the mix. I will probably get some boos for this, but, it's my least favorite song on the album. However, I LOVE the Shins' cover on the EP that came out before the album. P.S. not saying it's a bad song, just my least favorite. Decided not to include it in the mix, though.
"We Will Become Silhouettes" by The Postal Service

3. A Song That Makes You Happy -- I probably could have picked any song on this album. I've got so many great memories associated with this band, not to mention the album rules!
"Undone (The Sweater Song" by Weezer

4. A Song That Makes You Sad -- Took me a moment, but I thought of the Little Earthquakes album. And then that reminded me of being an angsty teenager/early college student. And then I remembered this song, the chorus, the beautiful but heartwrenching piano line. I had to look up the title; it's been that long since I'd heard it. And then I listened to it and you know what? Same effect it's always had. That is so rare for a song.
"Mother" by Tori Amos

5. A Song That Reminds You of Someone -- You know how some couples own songs and it's like Whatev. Songs belong to no one. Well, this song belongs to me and someone. Every time I hear it I think of listening to it in the car and singing it loudly and laughing for like no reason other than I'm the happiest I've ever been in my whole life.
"The Underdog" by Spoon

6. A Song That Reminds You of Somewhere -- There are so many songs about places. They taught me why setting is important. Setting in plays. Setting in films. Setting in life. Setting is so important to me. Setting is beautiful, and so often overlooked, as a process. As an influence. This song makes me laugh. Songs about places are great in general, but take on new meaning when you've actually been there. I remember when I went to Washington and someone told me I had to hear this song. On a trip to Seattle via a ferry I caught in Bremerton, I bought the album:
"Move to Bremerton" by MXPX

7. A Song That Reminds You of a Certain Event -- This song reminds me of September 2007, when I told my Mom all I wanted for my birthday was tickets to go see Incubus. And I brought Angie, and we went with Joe and James. We all wore our orange camp t-shirts. I had such a blast that night. I particularly enjoyed this song of many. It has reminded me of that concert every time ever since:
"Wish You Were Here" by Incubus

8. A Song That You Know All the Words To -- Tons. Too many. But I can play this one, too:
"Something Vague" by Bright Eyes

9. Song That You Can Dance To -- Like Ed said, there are lots of songs you can dance to. I almost got nostalgic for a minute and listened to a few YouTube versions of "Pictures of You" by the Cure. But changed my mind and decided to go with this, because you can't help moving when you hear it. I know you can't.
"Take Me Out" by Franz Ferdinand

10. A Song That Makes You Fall Asleep -- This song is not boring to me. And it's probably not your typical falling asleep song. But to me it's not very intrusive and it's very pleasant sounding. I have put it on repeat and gone to sleep many times:
"One of These Things" by Nick Drake

11. A Song From Your Favorite Band -- I don't know if they're my favorite, but I can never find anything wrong with the Beatles, nor am I ever not in the mood to listen to them. In fact, no matter what mood I'm in, I'm pretty sure I can put them on and become happy instantly. There's not a single song of theirs I dislike. I love every album, all of their phases, everything in between.
"Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" by The Beatles

12. A Song from a Band You Hate -- I don't really hate this band, I guess. I don't really like them either, persay. But I like two of their songs. "Anthem," and this one:
"Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" by Good Charlotte

13. A Song That is a Guilty Pleasure -- What? He is talented.
"One Time" by Justin Bieber

14. A Song That No One Would Expect You To Love -- Well, maybe you would. But you may not know the extent that I love Bon Jovi. BON JOVI!!!!! Yeah!
"Living on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi

15. A Song That Describes You -- Can't think of a whole song but I just remembered that line "She has trouble acting normal when she's nervous." Which, maybe that's everyone. But definitely true in my case.
"Round Here" by Counting Crows

16. A Song That You Used to Love But Now Hate -- I can't think of anything. Nope. Nothing. Every song I've ever loved is awesome. Still.

17. A Song That You Hear Often on the Radio -- I don't really listed to the radio, which is weird because how did Justin Bieber get on this mix then? I don't know. I guess with all the social media, TV, Internet, pop culture just sorta permeates everything in your life, whether you want it to or not.

18. A Song That You Wish You Heard on the Radio -- I don't know. I liked a lot of albums I reviewed my last year in college, and none of them are on the radio. I wish more people knew about them, though. Lemme see if I can find one ...
"Baker Lake" by Sera Cahoone

19. A Song from Your Favorite Album -- I don't know if I have a favorite album, but my favorite Radiohead album has been and always will be The Bends. I'm sure that says something about me, but I'll leave it for you to figure out. Great songs. Great album. Here's one:
"High and Dry" by Radiohead

20. A Song That You Listen to When You Are Angry -- I don't know. Maybe something by Ani D. or Rage Against the Machine. Hmm. Not exactly angry sounding, but ...
"Your Next Bold Move" by Ani DiFranco

21. A Song That You Listen to When You're Happy -- This one's easy!
"A Praise Chorus" by Jimmy Eat World

22. A Song That You Listen to When You're Sad -- This is one that always cheers me up, no matter my mood:
"All That I Know" by The Get Up Kids

23. A Song That You Want to Play at Your Wedding -- We didn't play any music at our wedding. Just the sounds of the wind and the San Francisco Bay

24. A Song That You Want to Play at Your Funeral -- That's kind of morbid.
"Dead Flowers" by the Rolling Stones

25. A Song That Makes You Laugh -- I'm going to go with the Moldy Peaches. I was just thinking about them the other day! Lemme see what I can find ...Yes! They have it:
"Who's Got the Crack?" by the Moldy Peaches

26. A Song That You Can Play on an Instrument
"One" -- the Johnny Cash version

27. A Song That You Wish You Could Play -- Too many ... If I were at home I could look through my stack of music and pick one!
"The Absence of God" by Rilo Kiley

28. A Song That Makes You Feel Guilty -- meh. Don't feel like sharing!

29. A Song from Your Childhood -- I swear this one the best song ever when I was like five:
"Into the Groove" by Madonna

30. Your Favorite Song from This Time Last Year -- You mean I get to include another one? Yay! Hmm, lemme think ... I was listening to a lot of JC's stuff this time last year.
"Bittersweet" by Jason Consolacion

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