Monday, May 12, 2008
Wow
I don't even know what to say, except I feel like I should say something. I'm doing so well right now, I can't even believe it.
I haven't really talked about it on here much, but on my more private blogs and in little pieces. But life has gone up and down for me so much in the last few years. Particularly, in the last four years, as I just celebrated the anniversary of this blog last month. I meant to write a commemorative post -- maybe this is the time.
I've hit bottom, I suppose, twice, since this all started.
The first time was in 2004, when in retrospect I believe I suffered a nervous breakdown. I've got the diaries and songs to prove it. This blog isn't even near the whole picture. The blog didn't talk about completely isolating myself, contemplating suicide nightly, feeling as if much of what I did was for no point. Other than my family and friends, and knowing deep down there were people who really loved me. Even when I felt like I didn't have much to live for I wanted to live for them. I wanted to not put the people closest to me through more shit because of my shit.
And so I left town. I packed my bags and left a bunch of frayed ends and put myself in debt. Through running I did gain a better sense of self, but all I really learned was that if I ever wanted to run, I could.
Sometimes I think taking off for Seattle was the best thing I ever did; other times I think it was the most selfish and immature thing I could've done.
Well, live and learn.
I still had deep-seeded issues I needed to work out. Huge emotional problems. Not knowing how to deal with being human. Not knowing how to deal with the past. Not knowing how in the least to plan a future.
Not having a healthy but more lopsided worldview than I really knew. Back to Seattle: it seemed so momentous at the time, and it was. And I learned I could survive, but never imagined what I would have to survive.
When I came back I still could not face reality in so many ways. I still ignored some bills, pretended to be 21 while not recognizing I was well into my 20s. I didn't know what I was capable of, and put off finding out. And when I would feel bogged down with anxiety, depression, or emptiness, I would drink. And the few times when I was manic and happy and giddy for whatever reason, well, that was all the more reason to drink.
I didn't think ahead. I didn't think about my actions as much. I'm not saying this to be hard on myself. I guess I'm saying because I'm sorry, but I know deep down I would not be where I am, if two other things had not happened, horrible things. My car accident where I realized I was not immortal, and that I was too old to be making mistakes on purpose. And my mother, although she is getting better. Having to be strong for my mother has made me want to be strong. Period. Just like my dad did after my accident. Just like my dad, after everything that happened, would slow down once in awhile and see past his anger and recognize that I was hurting, and talk to me about life afterwards. The life I was going to have, if I could see past my tears and picture it for a moment.
So, there's the present. Here I am. It's not what I envisioned; granted, if it hadn't been for the accident I might have continued to go to school full-time like I had. Or maybe I'd still be driving that Cadillac, one of few things that were ever handed to me in life that I thought I was so grateful for, and then gave it right back, in an instant.
But I've got goals coming out of my ears. And I've found a way to be content with the present, because I work damn hard.
And workwise and schoolwise, I'm founding out how much is in me. And I challenge myself like I never used to, because I've realized that in any given situation you can only be as good as you try to be, expect yourself to be, push yourself to be.
No one is ever given everything; the ones who have, they might not see it the same, and I'm not in their class, so it's a different life.
But I know I can have what I want, if I'm true to myself and to hard work. It's not about getting somewhere, I realize that, too. But it doesn't matter, because for me, I'm going. I'm just going because when you're not dead that's all you really can hope to do.
I don't even know what to say, except I feel like I should say something. I'm doing so well right now, I can't even believe it.
I haven't really talked about it on here much, but on my more private blogs and in little pieces. But life has gone up and down for me so much in the last few years. Particularly, in the last four years, as I just celebrated the anniversary of this blog last month. I meant to write a commemorative post -- maybe this is the time.
I've hit bottom, I suppose, twice, since this all started.
The first time was in 2004, when in retrospect I believe I suffered a nervous breakdown. I've got the diaries and songs to prove it. This blog isn't even near the whole picture. The blog didn't talk about completely isolating myself, contemplating suicide nightly, feeling as if much of what I did was for no point. Other than my family and friends, and knowing deep down there were people who really loved me. Even when I felt like I didn't have much to live for I wanted to live for them. I wanted to not put the people closest to me through more shit because of my shit.
And so I left town. I packed my bags and left a bunch of frayed ends and put myself in debt. Through running I did gain a better sense of self, but all I really learned was that if I ever wanted to run, I could.
Sometimes I think taking off for Seattle was the best thing I ever did; other times I think it was the most selfish and immature thing I could've done.
Well, live and learn.
I still had deep-seeded issues I needed to work out. Huge emotional problems. Not knowing how to deal with being human. Not knowing how to deal with the past. Not knowing how in the least to plan a future.
Not having a healthy but more lopsided worldview than I really knew. Back to Seattle: it seemed so momentous at the time, and it was. And I learned I could survive, but never imagined what I would have to survive.
When I came back I still could not face reality in so many ways. I still ignored some bills, pretended to be 21 while not recognizing I was well into my 20s. I didn't know what I was capable of, and put off finding out. And when I would feel bogged down with anxiety, depression, or emptiness, I would drink. And the few times when I was manic and happy and giddy for whatever reason, well, that was all the more reason to drink.
I didn't think ahead. I didn't think about my actions as much. I'm not saying this to be hard on myself. I guess I'm saying because I'm sorry, but I know deep down I would not be where I am, if two other things had not happened, horrible things. My car accident where I realized I was not immortal, and that I was too old to be making mistakes on purpose. And my mother, although she is getting better. Having to be strong for my mother has made me want to be strong. Period. Just like my dad did after my accident. Just like my dad, after everything that happened, would slow down once in awhile and see past his anger and recognize that I was hurting, and talk to me about life afterwards. The life I was going to have, if I could see past my tears and picture it for a moment.
So, there's the present. Here I am. It's not what I envisioned; granted, if it hadn't been for the accident I might have continued to go to school full-time like I had. Or maybe I'd still be driving that Cadillac, one of few things that were ever handed to me in life that I thought I was so grateful for, and then gave it right back, in an instant.
But I've got goals coming out of my ears. And I've found a way to be content with the present, because I work damn hard.
And workwise and schoolwise, I'm founding out how much is in me. And I challenge myself like I never used to, because I've realized that in any given situation you can only be as good as you try to be, expect yourself to be, push yourself to be.
No one is ever given everything; the ones who have, they might not see it the same, and I'm not in their class, so it's a different life.
But I know I can have what I want, if I'm true to myself and to hard work. It's not about getting somewhere, I realize that, too. But it doesn't matter, because for me, I'm going. I'm just going because when you're not dead that's all you really can hope to do.
Labels: Goals, Living, Seattle
