Monday, January 29, 2007
FUCKING COFFEE!!!!
My head's spinning with one million arguments on two loops going at the same pace in opposite directions that never intersect.
One of them is simple vs. complicated, black and white vs. gray, I suppose. And for anyone who's ever read this it would probably be no surprise which of them is my favorite, or which one I suppose I am pulled to like a magnet, and I swear I'm not a drama queen, either.
Just a poor soul who gets easily confused. Or a fool, but a smart-ish one, one so smart she can see all routes to one place and always choose the longest or most dangerous one without exception.
Then I'm reading some very interesting books lately and sort of drawing some foolish philosophy or understanding from them, or at least trying to broaden my own, picking and choosing pieces of information. But maybe all I'm doing is just adding to the track that's going to loop in the same place anyway. Just choosing things that fit into what was already there, even if in some broader perspective, like taking in other dimensions while still staying right in a box.
And sometimes I don't write at all, not even to myself. And sometimes I don't think either, for someone who thinks a lot.
And sometimes I need to take a break, and I guess that's what all these jumbled up letters are, because a little recycling can be the only way to work things out sometimes.
Once, years and years ago this person I barely knew told me that when I feel a certain way, I shut down. That it was this learned response, something I'd trained myself to do when I was a kid.
Like how when I was younger my parents would yell and yell at me sometimes and I could sit quietly and space out and show no emotion whatsoever, nor say a word, and how it would frustrate them and piss them off even more, but it was all I could do.
So this person I barely knew, long ago, to continue this story, observed this in me once, and called me out, but I didn't want to hear it because I had already reached that stage at that point and the words had fallen on deaf ears.
Isn't it funny how sometimes things like that will happen. How it can take you five or ten years, or maybe more, I don't know because I'm not that old, I guess, to realize how many things you've heard that were true that you disagreed with for so long.
Some say things are simple.
Some say things are complicated.
Some people oversimplify like a motherfucker and generalize a fucking lot.
Others overanalyze and run themselves in circles, and stay up late after millions of cups of coffee, re-evaluating what they know and once knew, and once never knew, I suppose.
So back to these books I'm reading, man. They are inspiring me, in addition to some other things that are happening in my life, to make some changes.
It's like moving, in my mind. Choosing a place to go, how much to pay, what goes, what stays ....
And moving is stressful, but goddamnit if I'd rather move than stay somewhere for my whole entire life and never know what's out there.
On the other hand, constantly moving leaves no room for stability, other than the constant bisogno di volere for anything stare, like amore, amici, le lingue in alcuni.
Non posso fare il mio cuore d'accordo con miei occhi. Non posso correre niente, perche sarei sempri pensare della casa. E non parlo della casa dove si voglia e fa vivere; parlo della i mundi.
E tutti il mio vero sta in una casa che molto difficile trovare. Il solamente cosi posso dare -- aspettare. Perche? Posso penso o aspetto.
Questi cosi sono molti importanti a me, tu visti?
Fottere! Dormire! Fottere tutti! Dimentico fottere. Dimentico dello! Il mio cervello bisogno dello pompino. Perche le molte possibilite bisognano succhiare esterno. Successivamente, i miei amici, e solamente successivamente, eventualmente, magari capisci almeno alcuni cosi, e abbia le alcune opinione in una certa misura.
Okay?
Thanks.
My head's spinning with one million arguments on two loops going at the same pace in opposite directions that never intersect.
One of them is simple vs. complicated, black and white vs. gray, I suppose. And for anyone who's ever read this it would probably be no surprise which of them is my favorite, or which one I suppose I am pulled to like a magnet, and I swear I'm not a drama queen, either.
Just a poor soul who gets easily confused. Or a fool, but a smart-ish one, one so smart she can see all routes to one place and always choose the longest or most dangerous one without exception.
Then I'm reading some very interesting books lately and sort of drawing some foolish philosophy or understanding from them, or at least trying to broaden my own, picking and choosing pieces of information. But maybe all I'm doing is just adding to the track that's going to loop in the same place anyway. Just choosing things that fit into what was already there, even if in some broader perspective, like taking in other dimensions while still staying right in a box.
And sometimes I don't write at all, not even to myself. And sometimes I don't think either, for someone who thinks a lot.
And sometimes I need to take a break, and I guess that's what all these jumbled up letters are, because a little recycling can be the only way to work things out sometimes.
Once, years and years ago this person I barely knew told me that when I feel a certain way, I shut down. That it was this learned response, something I'd trained myself to do when I was a kid.
Like how when I was younger my parents would yell and yell at me sometimes and I could sit quietly and space out and show no emotion whatsoever, nor say a word, and how it would frustrate them and piss them off even more, but it was all I could do.
So this person I barely knew, long ago, to continue this story, observed this in me once, and called me out, but I didn't want to hear it because I had already reached that stage at that point and the words had fallen on deaf ears.
Isn't it funny how sometimes things like that will happen. How it can take you five or ten years, or maybe more, I don't know because I'm not that old, I guess, to realize how many things you've heard that were true that you disagreed with for so long.
Some say things are simple.
Some say things are complicated.
Some people oversimplify like a motherfucker and generalize a fucking lot.
Others overanalyze and run themselves in circles, and stay up late after millions of cups of coffee, re-evaluating what they know and once knew, and once never knew, I suppose.
So back to these books I'm reading, man. They are inspiring me, in addition to some other things that are happening in my life, to make some changes.
It's like moving, in my mind. Choosing a place to go, how much to pay, what goes, what stays ....
And moving is stressful, but goddamnit if I'd rather move than stay somewhere for my whole entire life and never know what's out there.
On the other hand, constantly moving leaves no room for stability, other than the constant bisogno di volere for anything stare, like amore, amici, le lingue in alcuni.
Non posso fare il mio cuore d'accordo con miei occhi. Non posso correre niente, perche sarei sempri pensare della casa. E non parlo della casa dove si voglia e fa vivere; parlo della i mundi.
E tutti il mio vero sta in una casa che molto difficile trovare. Il solamente cosi posso dare -- aspettare. Perche? Posso penso o aspetto.
Questi cosi sono molti importanti a me, tu visti?
Fottere! Dormire! Fottere tutti! Dimentico fottere. Dimentico dello! Il mio cervello bisogno dello pompino. Perche le molte possibilite bisognano succhiare esterno. Successivamente, i miei amici, e solamente successivamente, eventualmente, magari capisci almeno alcuni cosi, e abbia le alcune opinione in una certa misura.
Okay?
Thanks.
Labels: Anxiety, Confusion, Insomnia, Moving
