Monday, July 19, 2010
The Reds and the Blues
I feel as though I have been under a cloud for the last month or two. I work very hard to keep things in perspective, to keep on trucking. Still, sometimes things happen, and when they do, you have every right to be upset, you know?
It's just that I don't want to indulge in that right too much, because I suppose I am always afraid of stepping over the edge into depression. I wouldn't call what I'm feeling depression, simply because many times I have felt so much worse than this, but I am making a conscious effort to pay attention and keep my head above water.
I'm going back to therapy. I thought with everything that would help. Actually, it was before a lot of things happened that I asked my doctor to recommend someone. I went to see her about a month-and-a-half ago to follow up for my PMDD. Right before the wedding, we decided to raise the estrogen dose in my pills, because on the minimum I was having complications and was still in pain. Emotionally, though, the minimal dose proved to be very helpful. I'd never felt so balanced, so myself. The higher dose improved the physical symptoms but seriously made me feel crazy.
My doctor and I came up with two solutions. The first was that I begin taking Wellbutrin, and that maybe it would balance out the crazies caused by the Seasonique. She also went ahead and prescribed me a different brand birth control pill, to see if my body would do better on a monthly cycle rather than a three-month cycle. She said if I wanted I could take the Wellbutrin and see if it balanced the Seasonique, and if not, I can change to the other pills. I filled both prescriptions, and decided to take the Wellbutrin with the Seasonique first like she suggested.
I felt a difference for the better within a couple days, and then within two weeks for sure, when the medicine was supposed to begin taking full effect. I thought everything was going pretty well. The problem is that over the last month or so I've been experiencing depression and anxiety, but there are so many things going on in my life I honestly can't tell if it is external events or the effects, or lack of effects, of my medicines that is contributing to it.
When my father died and since, I have been feeling and thinking about a lot of things, so many that I couldn't really begin. I don't know if you'd call it the typical stages of grief, but I certainly have felt denial, anger, and sadness. I have felt and relived things I have been shutting out for a long time.
I have also been thinking about my Mom a lot. I looked back on my life and looked at things through another lens -- through what actually happened, what I remember, why certain things happened. When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, from that moment, she became a saint in my mind. Really, she already was before that. When I would think about the years she spent working nights at the Chicago Tribune. When I would think about how courageous it was of her to finally leave my father. She really thought she would die if she didn't. When I thought about her taking typing classes and stuff just to get some secretarial skills so she could get a halfway decent job, and that somehow that led to her progressing and eventually editing proposals for NASA. When I would think about her not having any credit, and somehow providing for us with clothes, and everything we could want for Christmas and birthdays. When I would think about moving from welfare and foodstamps to one day owning a house in the suburbs. How I went from sharing a tiny room with both my sisters in Chicago, to eventually having my own.
But there are other things, things that everything else doesn't always cancel out, even when I want them to. Some memories still make me very angry, even some things my Mom has continued to apologize for well into adulthood.
I have memories that haunt me nearly every single day. Sometimes things don't go through my head for awhile, and then they hit me all at once, and I can't sleep for days. Generally, when that happens the most though, is during spikes in PMDD symptoms. I need to let go of a lot of things. But at times lately I am feeling angry and having realizations about things in ways I had not thought about them before. It is frustrating because I just want things to make sense. I just want to feel one way I guess.
In spite of the old things that I suppose have become especially raw in light of my father's death for some reason, there are still pleasant things in my life. I try not to sweat the small stuff. I love Toby and I love my dog, and our life together. I love my family, and my sister is in town, and my nephews -- seeing them has been wonderful.
I know that on days when my anxiety is high, I sometimes overreact. My husband could certainly attest to that. But there are other things that are in the back of my mind nearly every day: my mother's treatment and progress (they have extended her chemo treatments again, and she is very weak and is losing a lot of weight); my grandmother's health (she had her first treatment for the cancer yesterday, and says she has recovered nicely from the surgery she had); nervousness and anxiety over my plans for the next year (my graduate school application and the move we are going to make); dealing with my father's death ....
I think with all this stuff, it would be best to talk to a professional at this point. My number one confidante is my husband, but I can't put everything on him just like I can't put everything on my friends.
The thing about my life, and my friendships, and even writing these things for the few of you who read them, is that I don't know how much is too much or how little. I have held so many things in for so long that I'm afraid of saying too much.
This stuff's heavy, and everybody has their stuff. I'll be the first person to understand that. It is hard, though, when you have so many superficial surface level-friendships, and you have heavy things on your mind. For example, Joe's death. It's not like I'm going to go around telling people my father died. Most people don't even know the situation or history to begin with? How would anyone possibly understand if they don't know? And even if they did know, how would they understand because they did not live it?
I really don't want to come across as a pity party. That's not what I am feeling right now. Just evaluating. Trying to handle things. Trying to figure out whom to share them with, or even if it's worth it.
But like I said, is it this stuff or it it the PMDD or is it the changes in medication, or side effects in medication or all of it? Is it caffeine? I gave up caffeine again, but I'm tired all the time. I want a cup of coffee, but not if it's going to make me crazy and anxious and irritable. Am I working out enough? I'm trying to. I have realized that exercising is key to my mental health, so even if I'm physically not wanting to, I'm trying to get my exercise in at least a few times a week. Am I eating healthy enough? Probably should do a little better. I've gotten to be a little more relaxed about my eating habits lately.
When my doctor gave me the Wellbutrin, I said that these were things I noticed that I needed to do. I was feeling the crazies but I also hadn't been taking care of myself as well as I could. I really think I'm doing better at that, and not feeling nearly the level of craziness I was more than six weeks ago. The Wellbutrin really is helping. But with all these changes coming up and the few things that have been upsetting me, I hope and think seeing a therapist again will help. My first session is tomorrow. Thanks for listening.
I feel as though I have been under a cloud for the last month or two. I work very hard to keep things in perspective, to keep on trucking. Still, sometimes things happen, and when they do, you have every right to be upset, you know?
It's just that I don't want to indulge in that right too much, because I suppose I am always afraid of stepping over the edge into depression. I wouldn't call what I'm feeling depression, simply because many times I have felt so much worse than this, but I am making a conscious effort to pay attention and keep my head above water.
I'm going back to therapy. I thought with everything that would help. Actually, it was before a lot of things happened that I asked my doctor to recommend someone. I went to see her about a month-and-a-half ago to follow up for my PMDD. Right before the wedding, we decided to raise the estrogen dose in my pills, because on the minimum I was having complications and was still in pain. Emotionally, though, the minimal dose proved to be very helpful. I'd never felt so balanced, so myself. The higher dose improved the physical symptoms but seriously made me feel crazy.
My doctor and I came up with two solutions. The first was that I begin taking Wellbutrin, and that maybe it would balance out the crazies caused by the Seasonique. She also went ahead and prescribed me a different brand birth control pill, to see if my body would do better on a monthly cycle rather than a three-month cycle. She said if I wanted I could take the Wellbutrin and see if it balanced the Seasonique, and if not, I can change to the other pills. I filled both prescriptions, and decided to take the Wellbutrin with the Seasonique first like she suggested.
I felt a difference for the better within a couple days, and then within two weeks for sure, when the medicine was supposed to begin taking full effect. I thought everything was going pretty well. The problem is that over the last month or so I've been experiencing depression and anxiety, but there are so many things going on in my life I honestly can't tell if it is external events or the effects, or lack of effects, of my medicines that is contributing to it.
When my father died and since, I have been feeling and thinking about a lot of things, so many that I couldn't really begin. I don't know if you'd call it the typical stages of grief, but I certainly have felt denial, anger, and sadness. I have felt and relived things I have been shutting out for a long time.
I have also been thinking about my Mom a lot. I looked back on my life and looked at things through another lens -- through what actually happened, what I remember, why certain things happened. When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, from that moment, she became a saint in my mind. Really, she already was before that. When I would think about the years she spent working nights at the Chicago Tribune. When I would think about how courageous it was of her to finally leave my father. She really thought she would die if she didn't. When I thought about her taking typing classes and stuff just to get some secretarial skills so she could get a halfway decent job, and that somehow that led to her progressing and eventually editing proposals for NASA. When I would think about her not having any credit, and somehow providing for us with clothes, and everything we could want for Christmas and birthdays. When I would think about moving from welfare and foodstamps to one day owning a house in the suburbs. How I went from sharing a tiny room with both my sisters in Chicago, to eventually having my own.
But there are other things, things that everything else doesn't always cancel out, even when I want them to. Some memories still make me very angry, even some things my Mom has continued to apologize for well into adulthood.
I have memories that haunt me nearly every single day. Sometimes things don't go through my head for awhile, and then they hit me all at once, and I can't sleep for days. Generally, when that happens the most though, is during spikes in PMDD symptoms. I need to let go of a lot of things. But at times lately I am feeling angry and having realizations about things in ways I had not thought about them before. It is frustrating because I just want things to make sense. I just want to feel one way I guess.
In spite of the old things that I suppose have become especially raw in light of my father's death for some reason, there are still pleasant things in my life. I try not to sweat the small stuff. I love Toby and I love my dog, and our life together. I love my family, and my sister is in town, and my nephews -- seeing them has been wonderful.
I know that on days when my anxiety is high, I sometimes overreact. My husband could certainly attest to that. But there are other things that are in the back of my mind nearly every day: my mother's treatment and progress (they have extended her chemo treatments again, and she is very weak and is losing a lot of weight); my grandmother's health (she had her first treatment for the cancer yesterday, and says she has recovered nicely from the surgery she had); nervousness and anxiety over my plans for the next year (my graduate school application and the move we are going to make); dealing with my father's death ....
I think with all this stuff, it would be best to talk to a professional at this point. My number one confidante is my husband, but I can't put everything on him just like I can't put everything on my friends.
The thing about my life, and my friendships, and even writing these things for the few of you who read them, is that I don't know how much is too much or how little. I have held so many things in for so long that I'm afraid of saying too much.
This stuff's heavy, and everybody has their stuff. I'll be the first person to understand that. It is hard, though, when you have so many superficial surface level-friendships, and you have heavy things on your mind. For example, Joe's death. It's not like I'm going to go around telling people my father died. Most people don't even know the situation or history to begin with? How would anyone possibly understand if they don't know? And even if they did know, how would they understand because they did not live it?
I really don't want to come across as a pity party. That's not what I am feeling right now. Just evaluating. Trying to handle things. Trying to figure out whom to share them with, or even if it's worth it.
But like I said, is it this stuff or it it the PMDD or is it the changes in medication, or side effects in medication or all of it? Is it caffeine? I gave up caffeine again, but I'm tired all the time. I want a cup of coffee, but not if it's going to make me crazy and anxious and irritable. Am I working out enough? I'm trying to. I have realized that exercising is key to my mental health, so even if I'm physically not wanting to, I'm trying to get my exercise in at least a few times a week. Am I eating healthy enough? Probably should do a little better. I've gotten to be a little more relaxed about my eating habits lately.
When my doctor gave me the Wellbutrin, I said that these were things I noticed that I needed to do. I was feeling the crazies but I also hadn't been taking care of myself as well as I could. I really think I'm doing better at that, and not feeling nearly the level of craziness I was more than six weeks ago. The Wellbutrin really is helping. But with all these changes coming up and the few things that have been upsetting me, I hope and think seeing a therapist again will help. My first session is tomorrow. Thanks for listening.
Labels: Abuse, Anxiety, Cancer, Change, Depression, Moving, PMDD, Seasonique, Therapy, wellbutrin
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