Thursday, February 04, 2010
Little Earthquakes
I don't remember what my New Year's resolutions were. Probably just to keep up with stuff I've been doing -- eating healthier and working out, etc. Oh, I remember one other one. To learn to work with my hands more. I can't cook. I don't know how to sew or crochet or knit. I made magnets for really excellent Christmas presents, though. I'd just like to be craftier I guess - and have another creative outlet in my spare time.
I haven't played guitar in forever, but more than playing guitar, I miss singing. I should feel more comfortable bursting out into song like I used to when I lived alone. I don't know if Toby would mind.
Mostly, though, I am not often inspired when it comes to that. I used to sing my blues away, and then for so long I had no blues at all, or none bad enough to rain on my parade.
I got some bad news the other day. The cancer is back for my mom again. In her ovaries this time. But I guess the Stage IV colon cancer can reappear anywhere. That's the thing about this stuff that I didn't realize before.
Yesterday, my mom sounded positive on the phone. I think she regrets the state she was in when she called me the day she got the news. She exposed herself and her fears. I had mine too, but I kept them inside. I can be the strong one when I need to be now. She said it's just another step. Just another thing that she has to do before she can go forward with her life.
I thought about what my sister Beckie said the email. Something about how much more of her are they going to have to cut up?
But what do we do? My Dad said she has three options. I said, "What's the third one." He said he wouldn't go into it. I know what he meant, and I know why he didn't bother. The only real option for us right now is to fight.
Speaking of fighting, my younger sister and I are sort of in a fight. But actually, it's not really a fight. We are not speaking to each other. And contrary to what she believes, I didn't actually do anything to her. I didn't actually start any of it. She can't face that fact, though, because she needs to paint me as some horrible human being in her head who victimized her in someway. It's not that hard when you grow up harboring hatred and anger for your whole life and need someone to direct it at.
For now, I am my sister's punching bag, or at least, that's what she wants. Since I won't let her, oh man, that makes her all the angrier. Must really suck for her, I mean, I get it. I know it sure does drive her insane to not feel like she's in control of me or the situation. She can't direct my behavior using hers or her words, or any emotional clout she might have had with me at one time. My strings are no longer hers to pull, much less anyone else's.
The wedding plans have been both my stress, and a big part of my happiness for the past several months. I now have a dress, undergarments to wear under the dress, a veil, jewelry, new makeup, a skin care regimen -- all kinds of things I didn't have in October when we set the date. We have a location, and we have one-way tickets to San Francisco, since my sis and brother-in-law have been planning to send us directly from there to meet them on holiday for our honeymoon in Ireland.
"This is the happiest I've been in my whole life," I told my mom the other day, thinking about how my younger sis is fuming at that, and is miserable and isn't happy when others are happy.
But now, plans are on hold. It's not a big deal in the larger scheme of things. The bigger the scheme, the smaller everything is, but it's really not.
The plane tickets can apply to different plane tickets in the future, if need be.
The money paid to California State Parks and Recreation is supposed to be nonrefundable, but since we don't have our permit signed and in the mail yet, there might be a way for us to get that back, too, given the circumstances.
I thought about all these things when we set the wedding date. Of course I thought about mom. I thought about how we learned we can't plan anything, or my mom had. But, I learned a long time ago that we have to keep planning things. You can't just not make plans because something might happen.
I lived a lot of my life like that because I thought I had to until one day I gave up. I got into a car with at least 10 shots of whiskey in my belly. For some reason I was spared.
I know it is not the same thing; it's not the same thing at all. But I remember at that moment everything was fucked. I had No. Future. In my mind, that was it, and for months to come. My Dad is the person who made me think differently, to even try to, at first.
There's an old part of me that is still there. The self-destructive little girl inside. Ashamed of who she is, but taking pride in her own misery. She's buried, and her voice is very faint. I wouldn't even be able to find her if I wanted, but I don't.
I used to talk about wanting to find this magical place "where I could be happy regardless of my circumstances."
I think happiness is the wrong word, although mostly, I am happy. I think more important than the ideal of happiness is the ability to keep a realistic perspective on things, to be able to stay in the moment. Not get wrapped up in a painful past or an unpredictable future, not in hopes, or fears. It is OK to dream of course, but above that, it is important to live.
I don't remember what my New Year's resolutions were. Probably just to keep up with stuff I've been doing -- eating healthier and working out, etc. Oh, I remember one other one. To learn to work with my hands more. I can't cook. I don't know how to sew or crochet or knit. I made magnets for really excellent Christmas presents, though. I'd just like to be craftier I guess - and have another creative outlet in my spare time.
I haven't played guitar in forever, but more than playing guitar, I miss singing. I should feel more comfortable bursting out into song like I used to when I lived alone. I don't know if Toby would mind.
Mostly, though, I am not often inspired when it comes to that. I used to sing my blues away, and then for so long I had no blues at all, or none bad enough to rain on my parade.
I got some bad news the other day. The cancer is back for my mom again. In her ovaries this time. But I guess the Stage IV colon cancer can reappear anywhere. That's the thing about this stuff that I didn't realize before.
Yesterday, my mom sounded positive on the phone. I think she regrets the state she was in when she called me the day she got the news. She exposed herself and her fears. I had mine too, but I kept them inside. I can be the strong one when I need to be now. She said it's just another step. Just another thing that she has to do before she can go forward with her life.
I thought about what my sister Beckie said the email. Something about how much more of her are they going to have to cut up?
But what do we do? My Dad said she has three options. I said, "What's the third one." He said he wouldn't go into it. I know what he meant, and I know why he didn't bother. The only real option for us right now is to fight.
Speaking of fighting, my younger sister and I are sort of in a fight. But actually, it's not really a fight. We are not speaking to each other. And contrary to what she believes, I didn't actually do anything to her. I didn't actually start any of it. She can't face that fact, though, because she needs to paint me as some horrible human being in her head who victimized her in someway. It's not that hard when you grow up harboring hatred and anger for your whole life and need someone to direct it at.
For now, I am my sister's punching bag, or at least, that's what she wants. Since I won't let her, oh man, that makes her all the angrier. Must really suck for her, I mean, I get it. I know it sure does drive her insane to not feel like she's in control of me or the situation. She can't direct my behavior using hers or her words, or any emotional clout she might have had with me at one time. My strings are no longer hers to pull, much less anyone else's.
The wedding plans have been both my stress, and a big part of my happiness for the past several months. I now have a dress, undergarments to wear under the dress, a veil, jewelry, new makeup, a skin care regimen -- all kinds of things I didn't have in October when we set the date. We have a location, and we have one-way tickets to San Francisco, since my sis and brother-in-law have been planning to send us directly from there to meet them on holiday for our honeymoon in Ireland.
"This is the happiest I've been in my whole life," I told my mom the other day, thinking about how my younger sis is fuming at that, and is miserable and isn't happy when others are happy.
But now, plans are on hold. It's not a big deal in the larger scheme of things. The bigger the scheme, the smaller everything is, but it's really not.
The plane tickets can apply to different plane tickets in the future, if need be.
The money paid to California State Parks and Recreation is supposed to be nonrefundable, but since we don't have our permit signed and in the mail yet, there might be a way for us to get that back, too, given the circumstances.
I thought about all these things when we set the wedding date. Of course I thought about mom. I thought about how we learned we can't plan anything, or my mom had. But, I learned a long time ago that we have to keep planning things. You can't just not make plans because something might happen.
I lived a lot of my life like that because I thought I had to until one day I gave up. I got into a car with at least 10 shots of whiskey in my belly. For some reason I was spared.
I know it is not the same thing; it's not the same thing at all. But I remember at that moment everything was fucked. I had No. Future. In my mind, that was it, and for months to come. My Dad is the person who made me think differently, to even try to, at first.
There's an old part of me that is still there. The self-destructive little girl inside. Ashamed of who she is, but taking pride in her own misery. She's buried, and her voice is very faint. I wouldn't even be able to find her if I wanted, but I don't.
I used to talk about wanting to find this magical place "where I could be happy regardless of my circumstances."
I think happiness is the wrong word, although mostly, I am happy. I think more important than the ideal of happiness is the ability to keep a realistic perspective on things, to be able to stay in the moment. Not get wrapped up in a painful past or an unpredictable future, not in hopes, or fears. It is OK to dream of course, but above that, it is important to live.
Labels: Cancer, Dreams, Sisters
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