Monday, January 05, 2009
To Begin at the Beginning
It's 2009. The beginning of a new year, for once for me, it is also the beginning of something else.
It is the beginning of my life in many ways. A rebirth. A time to dream. A time to look toward the future with excitement. A time, the first time, my mind is truly at peace and I am bursting with happiness inside and out.
It has been a long, hard road. Sometimes I get down when I think about all the things I could have been, but that is less and less, when I think about how young I still am and how many things are possible, and that I can be who I am and end up exactly where I want to be.
The rest of my life is coming, and it begins today and yesterday. For the first time, I truly feel I could fill it with whatever I want.
Just over two years ago, I remember sitting on a cold bed in a jail cell and crying, feeling as though my life had ended.
It had in many ways, but it took the last two years to work on healing and to own my mistakes.
I didn't feel I had much to look forward to, but I tried anyway. Still, I didn't care enough about myself; I still did not know how to live life, to own my life, rather than create situations and react to things that happened to me, while many of the things that happened to me were my own doing.
My mind and my heart had been crushed by experience. Existence was something I thought I knew as some kind of tortured artist.
I had not much less than sad songs to play, and solitude much of the time. Not being able to see straight. Not being able to relate to the world like I wanted. Not being able to find my place in it.
Then a year later, my mother got sick. This changed me. I knew I had to be strong, knew I had to get myself right.
It's funny how the biggest changes occur when you are not looking.
I worked hard. I tried to make my life better, but it is such a magical thing when you wake up one day and realize you've done it. That the inherent struggle you always saw in your life isn't necessarily inherent.
I fought myself out of poverty.
I fought myself out of a semi-long, semi-serious, unfulfilled relationship.
I fought my mind. I fought years and years of guilt and abuse, self-hatred, and came to terms as best as I could with the terms of my life, good and bad, the absence of my father, years and years of pain compounded on pain compounded on pain, and buried with tears and alcohol, fear and loathing.
Here we are. I've been at my job for a year. I got a 3.89 last semester, busted my ass and still managed to fall in love. I met the love of my life while I wasn't looking. He was right under my nose for months and when I found him all I had to do was allow myself to be happy, to give and receive love, something I'd always thought I wanted, but am finally capable of doing.
I got an internship this Spring doing PR for DiverseWorks. I am graduating in May.
I got to spend New Year's in Southern California and go to Disneyland and see the Rose Bowl Parade, and see Chinatown in San Francisco and the Pacific. I saw the fog in the air and the sun on the water. I saw the lights of L.A. from the airplane's window seat at night. I saw the stars on Hollywood Blvd. and walked among the tourists. I saw Santa Monica and Anaheim and Solvang, this little Dutch town lit up for Christmas.
I saw it all with a big warm hand in mine and a goofy grin on my face, and tried to take it all in whenever I could.
It's a new year, but it's a new life.
I wanted to say some other things. I wanted to say that for anyone who is still searching, for one's self or a love or a dream or for the tide to turn or for the season to change, or for an opportunity -- something someone once told me that I held on to half-heartedly while working as hard as I could mentally and emotionally to get there --
I can't find the right words. All I guess I really mean is something cliche about keeping one's head up, or like that Cursive line, "The Worst is Over," or how Ben Folds said for those who thought the past wasn't dead to stop and smell the smoke.
It can be smoke if you let it. Things do turn around. It's not immediate, but it does happen.
My mother is still ill and has to go through three months of chemo again beginning this month. My grandfather is not out of the woods yet. There are some things in life you can't control.
Obama is going to take his role in the White House soon and the whole world, those who voted and those who didn't, will be watching to see where he takes us. I am counting the days.
I could say a lot more. Happy New Year everyone.
Happy. New. Year.
It's 2009. The beginning of a new year, for once for me, it is also the beginning of something else.
It is the beginning of my life in many ways. A rebirth. A time to dream. A time to look toward the future with excitement. A time, the first time, my mind is truly at peace and I am bursting with happiness inside and out.
It has been a long, hard road. Sometimes I get down when I think about all the things I could have been, but that is less and less, when I think about how young I still am and how many things are possible, and that I can be who I am and end up exactly where I want to be.
The rest of my life is coming, and it begins today and yesterday. For the first time, I truly feel I could fill it with whatever I want.
Just over two years ago, I remember sitting on a cold bed in a jail cell and crying, feeling as though my life had ended.
It had in many ways, but it took the last two years to work on healing and to own my mistakes.
I didn't feel I had much to look forward to, but I tried anyway. Still, I didn't care enough about myself; I still did not know how to live life, to own my life, rather than create situations and react to things that happened to me, while many of the things that happened to me were my own doing.
My mind and my heart had been crushed by experience. Existence was something I thought I knew as some kind of tortured artist.
I had not much less than sad songs to play, and solitude much of the time. Not being able to see straight. Not being able to relate to the world like I wanted. Not being able to find my place in it.
Then a year later, my mother got sick. This changed me. I knew I had to be strong, knew I had to get myself right.
It's funny how the biggest changes occur when you are not looking.
I worked hard. I tried to make my life better, but it is such a magical thing when you wake up one day and realize you've done it. That the inherent struggle you always saw in your life isn't necessarily inherent.
I fought myself out of poverty.
I fought myself out of a semi-long, semi-serious, unfulfilled relationship.
I fought my mind. I fought years and years of guilt and abuse, self-hatred, and came to terms as best as I could with the terms of my life, good and bad, the absence of my father, years and years of pain compounded on pain compounded on pain, and buried with tears and alcohol, fear and loathing.
Here we are. I've been at my job for a year. I got a 3.89 last semester, busted my ass and still managed to fall in love. I met the love of my life while I wasn't looking. He was right under my nose for months and when I found him all I had to do was allow myself to be happy, to give and receive love, something I'd always thought I wanted, but am finally capable of doing.
I got an internship this Spring doing PR for DiverseWorks. I am graduating in May.
I got to spend New Year's in Southern California and go to Disneyland and see the Rose Bowl Parade, and see Chinatown in San Francisco and the Pacific. I saw the fog in the air and the sun on the water. I saw the lights of L.A. from the airplane's window seat at night. I saw the stars on Hollywood Blvd. and walked among the tourists. I saw Santa Monica and Anaheim and Solvang, this little Dutch town lit up for Christmas.
I saw it all with a big warm hand in mine and a goofy grin on my face, and tried to take it all in whenever I could.
It's a new year, but it's a new life.
I wanted to say some other things. I wanted to say that for anyone who is still searching, for one's self or a love or a dream or for the tide to turn or for the season to change, or for an opportunity -- something someone once told me that I held on to half-heartedly while working as hard as I could mentally and emotionally to get there --
I can't find the right words. All I guess I really mean is something cliche about keeping one's head up, or like that Cursive line, "The Worst is Over," or how Ben Folds said for those who thought the past wasn't dead to stop and smell the smoke.
It can be smoke if you let it. Things do turn around. It's not immediate, but it does happen.
My mother is still ill and has to go through three months of chemo again beginning this month. My grandfather is not out of the woods yet. There are some things in life you can't control.
Obama is going to take his role in the White House soon and the whole world, those who voted and those who didn't, will be watching to see where he takes us. I am counting the days.
I could say a lot more. Happy New Year everyone.
Happy. New. Year.
Labels: Ben Folds, Cancer, Cursive, Dreams, Music, New Year's, Obama, Obstacles
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