Monday, June 30, 2008
Unspent Sleep
Lately, I am so sleepy. But then at night I can't sleep and when I do I dream and when I dream I stress as much as I'm awake.
And I wake up a crabapple and nothing about a day's work, or even a slow day at my desk, or a lunch hour spent bent on relaxation, has been enough to wind me down.
The funny thing is the same thing that keeps me awake is the same thing I need a break from, or actually, in writing, that's hardly a contradiction. I can see that now.
But I feel a great restlessness, and anxiety: I constantly feel like I'm not doing enough.
I'm not working out enough (or at all); I'm not hanging out with my friends enough (but I'm so tired in the first place I barely make it out more than once or twice a week tops); I'm not doing enough to help others (I have relied on the support of friends and family without feeling like I can ever give much back for a long while, and that feeling is never comforting. Sometimes I feel like when the time comes when I'll have a car or money or time or ideas, I might by then run out of people to share them with); and I want to help strangers, too (I want to volunteer, and am going to look into possibly a Saturday commitment somewhere, because that's all I really have the time to do).
I read for what seems like all day long about current events, history, pop culture, and whatever else (to the point sometimes that by the end of the day it amounts to one big weighty blur).
I don't know why I'm even sitting here writing this, except that it's been so hard lately to turn it off.
Lately, I am so sleepy. But then at night I can't sleep and when I do I dream and when I dream I stress as much as I'm awake.
And I wake up a crabapple and nothing about a day's work, or even a slow day at my desk, or a lunch hour spent bent on relaxation, has been enough to wind me down.
The funny thing is the same thing that keeps me awake is the same thing I need a break from, or actually, in writing, that's hardly a contradiction. I can see that now.
But I feel a great restlessness, and anxiety: I constantly feel like I'm not doing enough.
I'm not working out enough (or at all); I'm not hanging out with my friends enough (but I'm so tired in the first place I barely make it out more than once or twice a week tops); I'm not doing enough to help others (I have relied on the support of friends and family without feeling like I can ever give much back for a long while, and that feeling is never comforting. Sometimes I feel like when the time comes when I'll have a car or money or time or ideas, I might by then run out of people to share them with); and I want to help strangers, too (I want to volunteer, and am going to look into possibly a Saturday commitment somewhere, because that's all I really have the time to do).
I read for what seems like all day long about current events, history, pop culture, and whatever else (to the point sometimes that by the end of the day it amounts to one big weighty blur).
I don't know why I'm even sitting here writing this, except that it's been so hard lately to turn it off.
Labels: Anxiety, Insomnia, Restlessness
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