Monday, April 14, 2008
Whirlwind
My head has been mixed up all day. This morning, my camp director texted me saying he had just lost three female counselors and desperately needed me to come.
Meanwhile, we all know how excited I've been about not going, which is to say, not at all. I was looking at the future with optimism, but also with this protestant ethic of doing what I have to do. Pushing through, like I always do.
I thought I was graduating this December, but this afternoon, I went to see my adviser. Lo and behold, I need six classes to graduate, not four, like I thought. It would be absolutely impossible for me to get through it all between now and then. I know, because I know I'm really good at setting unrealistic goals. No way can I possibly afford and manage full-time work and two summer classes, or full-time work and four classes this fall. It would be impossible.
I dropped a class this semester, because I took on too much. It was a really tough decision. But between working full-time and writing for the paper, and my other classes, I had one grade that was suffering. I could not keep up, or catch up. I thought about the prospect of trying to kick my own ass with it to even get a C, but that might have been at the expense of my other high grades.
My job is stressful also. I don't know if I've described it much. I'm a temp, and I've been there for nearly four months, and am trying to get hired by the University. Meanwhile, the first round of interviews are set to begin two weeks from now.
And meanwhile, I have a lot of responsibility and am already struggling to do everything for school, when recently a higher-up told my supervisor he may want to talk to me about not doing my schoolwork while on the job, if I'm hired. That in itself pisses me off because a) she never said anything to me about it on her own, and b) I only do schoolwork when I am caught up with everything else, so it shouldn't be a problem; if I've got nothing to do but to answer the phones, at that point, what's it to her if I open up a textbook, especially when I work on a college campus?
So, I'm thinking I'm going to withdraw my application and stay as a temp until they hire someone or until I come to camp, whichever comes first.
I talked to my roommate, because the other important thing I needed to know was that all was cool on the homefront, and I could go to camp and pay my cheap rent, and she'd have the place to herself, but I could come back and live here and work and go to school until at least December. She said that was okay, so that way I can save my camp money for tuition instead of having to plan to move; I definitely would not be able to go out there if that were the case.
Man, lots of decisions in one day, but I feel like a weight has been lifted.
Of course, the job thing for the fall may stress me a little, but I think I should have no problem finding temp work again as soon as I get back, until I find something.
And I really feel like I need to go. Already, I was thinking about how much I would miss it. One of my ex-campers just found me on Facebook. She's 20 now, she's engaged, she's in college, and she has two kids. I didn't expect that at all, but although she is so young to already be a mother, she grew up in foster care, and it is just so nice to see her happy. And she's really happy, and I have no doubt she is a wonderful mother. She has emailed me sporadically over the years. I like to think I had a positive effect on her in some way, in at least that she stayed focused and kept a head on her shoulders, and knew things would get better.
That is why I want to go to camp. And it's the same reason I want to be a teacher. I feel like each and every person who works in that capacity is there for a reason. And there are things we say to these kids, and only we can say them. If I weren't there, maybe someone else would be, in my place. But every single person involved has something unique and important to contribute, and I love being part of that.
I'm applying to this program to teach "at-risk" children. I don't just want to be any teacher anywhere; I want to be in a specific place for the kids who need me. I know I will be able to reach at least some of them, and that will make everything worth it.
That's my motivation for finishing school at all right now, having the goal of getting out and teaching these kids. I think about it all the time.
So, whether I graduate this winter or next spring, doesn't really make a difference. No matter what I'm going to be doing something in the following fall, whether teaching, or on my way to teaching.
I guess it's funny how you can realize things all at once. It's all or nothing for me. All confusion or all clarity. But with everything I find out, I know I'm doing what's right. And I could stress about this or that or what if blah blah blah, but in the end, I always get where I'm going.
My head has been mixed up all day. This morning, my camp director texted me saying he had just lost three female counselors and desperately needed me to come.
Meanwhile, we all know how excited I've been about not going, which is to say, not at all. I was looking at the future with optimism, but also with this protestant ethic of doing what I have to do. Pushing through, like I always do.
I thought I was graduating this December, but this afternoon, I went to see my adviser. Lo and behold, I need six classes to graduate, not four, like I thought. It would be absolutely impossible for me to get through it all between now and then. I know, because I know I'm really good at setting unrealistic goals. No way can I possibly afford and manage full-time work and two summer classes, or full-time work and four classes this fall. It would be impossible.
I dropped a class this semester, because I took on too much. It was a really tough decision. But between working full-time and writing for the paper, and my other classes, I had one grade that was suffering. I could not keep up, or catch up. I thought about the prospect of trying to kick my own ass with it to even get a C, but that might have been at the expense of my other high grades.
My job is stressful also. I don't know if I've described it much. I'm a temp, and I've been there for nearly four months, and am trying to get hired by the University. Meanwhile, the first round of interviews are set to begin two weeks from now.
And meanwhile, I have a lot of responsibility and am already struggling to do everything for school, when recently a higher-up told my supervisor he may want to talk to me about not doing my schoolwork while on the job, if I'm hired. That in itself pisses me off because a) she never said anything to me about it on her own, and b) I only do schoolwork when I am caught up with everything else, so it shouldn't be a problem; if I've got nothing to do but to answer the phones, at that point, what's it to her if I open up a textbook, especially when I work on a college campus?
So, I'm thinking I'm going to withdraw my application and stay as a temp until they hire someone or until I come to camp, whichever comes first.
I talked to my roommate, because the other important thing I needed to know was that all was cool on the homefront, and I could go to camp and pay my cheap rent, and she'd have the place to herself, but I could come back and live here and work and go to school until at least December. She said that was okay, so that way I can save my camp money for tuition instead of having to plan to move; I definitely would not be able to go out there if that were the case.
Man, lots of decisions in one day, but I feel like a weight has been lifted.
Of course, the job thing for the fall may stress me a little, but I think I should have no problem finding temp work again as soon as I get back, until I find something.
And I really feel like I need to go. Already, I was thinking about how much I would miss it. One of my ex-campers just found me on Facebook. She's 20 now, she's engaged, she's in college, and she has two kids. I didn't expect that at all, but although she is so young to already be a mother, she grew up in foster care, and it is just so nice to see her happy. And she's really happy, and I have no doubt she is a wonderful mother. She has emailed me sporadically over the years. I like to think I had a positive effect on her in some way, in at least that she stayed focused and kept a head on her shoulders, and knew things would get better.
That is why I want to go to camp. And it's the same reason I want to be a teacher. I feel like each and every person who works in that capacity is there for a reason. And there are things we say to these kids, and only we can say them. If I weren't there, maybe someone else would be, in my place. But every single person involved has something unique and important to contribute, and I love being part of that.
I'm applying to this program to teach "at-risk" children. I don't just want to be any teacher anywhere; I want to be in a specific place for the kids who need me. I know I will be able to reach at least some of them, and that will make everything worth it.
That's my motivation for finishing school at all right now, having the goal of getting out and teaching these kids. I think about it all the time.
So, whether I graduate this winter or next spring, doesn't really make a difference. No matter what I'm going to be doing something in the following fall, whether teaching, or on my way to teaching.
I guess it's funny how you can realize things all at once. It's all or nothing for me. All confusion or all clarity. But with everything I find out, I know I'm doing what's right. And I could stress about this or that or what if blah blah blah, but in the end, I always get where I'm going.
Labels: Camp, College, Goals, Work
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