Rock Star Hour

Babe, this will not be the first time.

I've been feeling down the last couple days, but I've been feeling strong.

I just ended a relationship after a year of feeling more alone than when I actually was alone, much of the time.

Now lately I feel this void, but it's the same void that's been there all along. The person is gone most of the time, unless I make an exception. But then after that, I'm alone again and the exception is always less than exceptional.

I'm just trying to figure out how to do it again. Be alone. But I've been alone. That's the whole point. That's why it never worked.

When our anniversary came, I thought to myself why it was worth celebrating at all. It was more a fact that we had not yet broken up than the fact that we were actually ever together.

I keep reminding myself of that.

And when I forget, and when I remember, I think of how the good parts were at best mediocre, and think about how mediocrity has never really been close to anything I've ever wanted.

I used to ask myself why I kept it going. "Am I that afraid of being alone?"

Maybe. Because I don't trust myself. It's not about getting hurt again. It's about the mistakes I'll make in between. It's about filling my life with friends and hobbies, but then not being okay with the silence when it creeps in.

But someone to hold isn't anyone at all. It isn't always. And the things I'll miss are just regular old generic run-of-the mill relationship things.

Even now, there's nothing specific about "us" or him that really made things great, or wonderful, or worthwhile.

I guess maybe the hard part, too, is knowing all this, and feeling guilty for having to fight with myself about it for so long.

I don't want to just be somebody's sounding board. I don't want to just be your "baby." Not if I'm not the one you want to see in the morning, or spend a Saturday with, even.

It's been so long since I've felt that. A friend of mine told me recently that for some it is even longer in between, and that I'll be okay. And I know.

But this is the hard part. Minor adjustments. He wasn't around much, and not much when I needed him, and could never really say anything I needed him to say, or be there when I needed him to be, so adjusting should be seemingly easy because in my head I don't feel like I've lost very much.

It's not like in the past when you did everything with a person and then all the sudden they're not there. It wasn't like that. Most of the time, it was me doing things and making compromises and sacrifices and going lots of places I didn't want to go. Things like that.

And never just being excited to see each other so much. And never really doing things I loved to do ever. Never went to the park or the beach. Only had a truly nice dinner once. Never really cooking together. Never watching old movies. Never losing ourselves in uncontrollable laughter. Never truly making love. Maybe once, in the beginning.

Never growing. Never making plans. Never getting much in return.

Never, never, I guess. Lots of nevers. Never getting to see my friends. Never, not even on new years or for Christmas parties. Or going but going alone.

That's how things have been.

Why can't I be angry. Truly angry, when all my friends can't stand him and think he's a huge douche.

I tell myself all this stuff. Over and over. And try to be strong. And try to hold on.

At least I won't have to be bored anymore. Because through all this, I eventually lost interest. In his worries and his self-deprecation and all his opinions and the things he would say. And now he just goes on and on sometimes, and I realize I just don't give a shit. At least, not enough.

So I'm at this crossroads, and this time, there's nothing waiting in the wings but me.

Labels: Breaking Up