Sunday, December 02, 2007
So, I'm sitting here, listening to Jill Scott, and getting ready to go to work.
But something's on my mind. Well, many things, actually. Yesterday was a test to get through. I had a final. My sister called me to inform me she was in the hospital. She ended up getting out at 5:30, but that had me a wreck for a little while, considering my future niece in her little belly had a high heart rate, and they were monitoring her and renee all night while they waited for the fever to go down.
I had to call my mother and tell her the news. There has been a lot of this lately. Phone calls. They are one of the most real parts about being a grown up. All these calls. Like last time Renee was in the hospital, or when my mother had the surgery and I had to call people and tell them how it went.
And people calling me asking how my mother is doing. And I talk about the chemo, which I don't fully understand. She uses words like the pump, and the oncologist, and medications and side effects, and talks about medical bills flowing in like what seems like a tidal wave, and fighting with the insurance company, and how wigs aren't covered by insurance even though you're losing all your hair through the treatment of your disease. Pshhh. They're considered cosmetic.
And then I'm thinking about how I've been feeling lately. How I walk around with all this weight. Like how last night I looked forward to hanging out with good friends all day, but found myself stepping outside to make a phone call and then ended up crying quietly to myself on the ground for a minute.
Just keeping composure is so hard. I try to keep things in line, like things I need to do, and save my feelings for when I'm with specific people, or when I'm alone, or when I'm in therapy.
But I just started, needed to let a little out, and all the sudden I was worried that I wasn't going to stop. And I didn't want to make a scene. And I calmed down, went back inside, so drained and void.
On top of this, a few months ago I was debating High Fidelity love versus An Affair to Remember Love. I decided something, to take some advice both my grandmother and sister gave me: "Relationships are work, but it's worth it to you in the end."
But sometimes when you fall in love, you make excuses for people. You can do it over and over without even noticing it. You can sacrifice principles that are so important to you. You can keep things, or allow things or people to be brought into your life that you never really wanted in the first place. Or at least, things you had learned to let go of in order to personally evolve.
Evolve. That's all I want to do.
To fall in love and be able to do that with someone would be incredibly wonderful. Sometimes you can backslide, but you can help each other out, you know, if you've got similar vision, priorities, and ideas.
But what do you do when you wake up and realize you've bended yourself so far that you just don't know what to do anymore? And you just want that person for once, to see your side of things, and to validate it, and appreciate it, and respect it, but they just don't?
And then you think about all the other compromises you've ever made.
And you start to ask yourself again, the initial questions. But you know the only person who can truly answer that is yourself.
But something's on my mind. Well, many things, actually. Yesterday was a test to get through. I had a final. My sister called me to inform me she was in the hospital. She ended up getting out at 5:30, but that had me a wreck for a little while, considering my future niece in her little belly had a high heart rate, and they were monitoring her and renee all night while they waited for the fever to go down.
I had to call my mother and tell her the news. There has been a lot of this lately. Phone calls. They are one of the most real parts about being a grown up. All these calls. Like last time Renee was in the hospital, or when my mother had the surgery and I had to call people and tell them how it went.
And people calling me asking how my mother is doing. And I talk about the chemo, which I don't fully understand. She uses words like the pump, and the oncologist, and medications and side effects, and talks about medical bills flowing in like what seems like a tidal wave, and fighting with the insurance company, and how wigs aren't covered by insurance even though you're losing all your hair through the treatment of your disease. Pshhh. They're considered cosmetic.
And then I'm thinking about how I've been feeling lately. How I walk around with all this weight. Like how last night I looked forward to hanging out with good friends all day, but found myself stepping outside to make a phone call and then ended up crying quietly to myself on the ground for a minute.
Just keeping composure is so hard. I try to keep things in line, like things I need to do, and save my feelings for when I'm with specific people, or when I'm alone, or when I'm in therapy.
But I just started, needed to let a little out, and all the sudden I was worried that I wasn't going to stop. And I didn't want to make a scene. And I calmed down, went back inside, so drained and void.
On top of this, a few months ago I was debating High Fidelity love versus An Affair to Remember Love. I decided something, to take some advice both my grandmother and sister gave me: "Relationships are work, but it's worth it to you in the end."
But sometimes when you fall in love, you make excuses for people. You can do it over and over without even noticing it. You can sacrifice principles that are so important to you. You can keep things, or allow things or people to be brought into your life that you never really wanted in the first place. Or at least, things you had learned to let go of in order to personally evolve.
Evolve. That's all I want to do.
To fall in love and be able to do that with someone would be incredibly wonderful. Sometimes you can backslide, but you can help each other out, you know, if you've got similar vision, priorities, and ideas.
But what do you do when you wake up and realize you've bended yourself so far that you just don't know what to do anymore? And you just want that person for once, to see your side of things, and to validate it, and appreciate it, and respect it, but they just don't?
And then you think about all the other compromises you've ever made.
And you start to ask yourself again, the initial questions. But you know the only person who can truly answer that is yourself.
Labels: Cancer, College, Jill Scott, Love, Music, Relationships
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