Thursday, February 08, 2007
You know what?
Once, several years ago when my life seemed to be spiraling further down than it had ever been, I coined the term, "in the shit." And laughed at god and my circumstances because I felt so whole and strong in spite of it.
I've told so many friends that ever since. "Dude, you're in the shit. But that's all it is, shit! You've gotta step up and say, what's next?! Bring it! You don't think I can fucking take it?!" And be stronger than you've ever known, and let it pass, and work your way through it.
It's funny, though, that I learned that lesson something like three years ago, and never put two and two together, the other being that events do not define you, but you define them. That your personal philosophy affects your everyday decisions and how you react to their consequences.
It took this happening, these things I am dealing with now, but I feel like it was quite necessary.
Because now I'm learning not only the aforementioned, but that it applies to everything, things inside of your control and out.
I once took a giant leap, more than once actually, in some attempt to change my life, to tip the scales toward the better. And even though it wasn't easy, I braved those challenges and stuck it out because I had faith that better times would come.
A few months ago, I was brought once again to another cliff where I could either jump or fly or stay there, scared.
And I looked back, and saw everything I had done that was so good, and almost discounted what I'd learned because it brought me to such a vulnerable, unthinkable place ... the place where you still make mistakes. The place where you realize you are a human being just learning how to live your life like the rest of all the human beings. You are not a martyr. You are not a victim. You are a person. And when I say you, I may just be talking about me.
I am not a consequence. I'm not anything but me. But damnit if lately I haven't realized that and liked it.
And learned to like myself, even the part of me that makes mistakes, even the Holly Golightly parts, and Rob Gordon parts, and Bridget Jones parts and Ben Gibbard parts.
There's definitely a difference between recognizing them and wallowing in them though, in indulging them for what they are, and letting them control the big picture.
That is something I will no longer do.
It's hard work, changing thought patterns, dealing with personal issues like an adult when you sometimes feel like a frightened child, but goddamnit if it isn't worth it.
Because of all things, personal happiness is worth it. Getting rid of self-loathing or perfectionist thinking, breaking yourself down till you are no bigger than a grain of rice. Because that never did anyone any good.
Once, several years ago when my life seemed to be spiraling further down than it had ever been, I coined the term, "in the shit." And laughed at god and my circumstances because I felt so whole and strong in spite of it.
I've told so many friends that ever since. "Dude, you're in the shit. But that's all it is, shit! You've gotta step up and say, what's next?! Bring it! You don't think I can fucking take it?!" And be stronger than you've ever known, and let it pass, and work your way through it.
It's funny, though, that I learned that lesson something like three years ago, and never put two and two together, the other being that events do not define you, but you define them. That your personal philosophy affects your everyday decisions and how you react to their consequences.
It took this happening, these things I am dealing with now, but I feel like it was quite necessary.
Because now I'm learning not only the aforementioned, but that it applies to everything, things inside of your control and out.
I once took a giant leap, more than once actually, in some attempt to change my life, to tip the scales toward the better. And even though it wasn't easy, I braved those challenges and stuck it out because I had faith that better times would come.
A few months ago, I was brought once again to another cliff where I could either jump or fly or stay there, scared.
And I looked back, and saw everything I had done that was so good, and almost discounted what I'd learned because it brought me to such a vulnerable, unthinkable place ... the place where you still make mistakes. The place where you realize you are a human being just learning how to live your life like the rest of all the human beings. You are not a martyr. You are not a victim. You are a person. And when I say you, I may just be talking about me.
I am not a consequence. I'm not anything but me. But damnit if lately I haven't realized that and liked it.
And learned to like myself, even the part of me that makes mistakes, even the Holly Golightly parts, and Rob Gordon parts, and Bridget Jones parts and Ben Gibbard parts.
There's definitely a difference between recognizing them and wallowing in them though, in indulging them for what they are, and letting them control the big picture.
That is something I will no longer do.
It's hard work, changing thought patterns, dealing with personal issues like an adult when you sometimes feel like a frightened child, but goddamnit if it isn't worth it.
Because of all things, personal happiness is worth it. Getting rid of self-loathing or perfectionist thinking, breaking yourself down till you are no bigger than a grain of rice. Because that never did anyone any good.
Labels: Movies, Obstacles, Perspective
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