Saturday, August 26, 2006
Nervous Stomach
I'm going through something really horrible right now. I wish I could write about it. It's the only thing that could possibly help at this point, but I'm not at liberty to do so.
I did learn something about human nature though. Something I only had a grasp of before.
And now I feel sick to my stomach, and have to get up early in the morning for a very important meeting.
I haven't been sleeping much. Something horrible happened, and I keep reliving it in my head. It makes me cry at the most random times. And shake.
And I can't even think about how it makes me feel because, more importantly, I need to be thinking about what is going to happen next.
My head hurts on the side where I sleep. It makes me toss and turn even more.
I know this is cryptic. It isn't meant to say anything specific. Specifics are off limits right now.
But I'm frightened. And scared. If those are two different things. I don't know.
And I've never felt so alone than right now. Just me and this feeling. And not being able to talk about much.
And not being able to articulate the things I could.
And there's something about character to be said here too. I read once that a person's true character comes out in the darkest moments of a person's life. How they handle it.
But I don't know because, sometimes a good person can do something out of character. You read about it all the time in the papers.
And sometimes a moment can define a person, on paper, or in someone else's memory, or by threatening his or her reputation.
One moment. Five minutes. Or ten or twenty. One action.
And I'm wondering now, if instead of being contradictory to the person on the outside, if that person within is the one trying to creep out.
Or if when it comes down to it we are merely animals. With rational thoughts that can come and go like rain.
I'm going through something really horrible right now. I wish I could write about it. It's the only thing that could possibly help at this point, but I'm not at liberty to do so.
I did learn something about human nature though. Something I only had a grasp of before.
And now I feel sick to my stomach, and have to get up early in the morning for a very important meeting.
I haven't been sleeping much. Something horrible happened, and I keep reliving it in my head. It makes me cry at the most random times. And shake.
And I can't even think about how it makes me feel because, more importantly, I need to be thinking about what is going to happen next.
My head hurts on the side where I sleep. It makes me toss and turn even more.
I know this is cryptic. It isn't meant to say anything specific. Specifics are off limits right now.
But I'm frightened. And scared. If those are two different things. I don't know.
And I've never felt so alone than right now. Just me and this feeling. And not being able to talk about much.
And not being able to articulate the things I could.
And there's something about character to be said here too. I read once that a person's true character comes out in the darkest moments of a person's life. How they handle it.
But I don't know because, sometimes a good person can do something out of character. You read about it all the time in the papers.
And sometimes a moment can define a person, on paper, or in someone else's memory, or by threatening his or her reputation.
One moment. Five minutes. Or ten or twenty. One action.
And I'm wondering now, if instead of being contradictory to the person on the outside, if that person within is the one trying to creep out.
Or if when it comes down to it we are merely animals. With rational thoughts that can come and go like rain.
Labels: Anxiety, Insomnia, Mistakes
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