Wednesday, August 09, 2006
All the Way.
So I've been e-mailing an old friend back in forth. We bitch to each other, encourage each other, talk about "things", you know, shit that friends do.
He recently asked me if I saw a pattern in my past relationships. I thought about it quite a bit. Am still thinking about it.
The one thing I did say, and I happened to be in a certain frame of mind when I wrote it because Chris and I were on "hiatus," was that I never seemed to let things effing die.
It's true. I've always sort of been that way. Van and I broke up two or three times. I broke up with Jeff three times. I thought I was in love with someone for years, and did the make-up/break-up thing (in my head) with him over and over.
But this time's different. This time I'm really not trying to make something impossible work. This time it is worth the work. This time it is worth fighting for.
The only problem is that maybe that is just how I feel every time about love.
You know what I'm talking about? How every time seems like the first time. Or better. Not that that's what this feels like exactly. Because I remember the other times. I remember them as times of many things, good and bad. I look at them as things in the past, but things that are not exclusive from the way I may act and react and think from time to time.
I've probably said this before, but my first roommate in college was the first person who taught me, or at least planted the seed of thought, that love does not have to be unconditional.
I'm a very forgiving person. I have forgiven so many for so many things. It was easier, so much easier, when I was younger. Call it inexperience. Call it idealism. Call it the belief I once held that people can change (haven't tried to even sort that issue out recently). Sometimes I even think back and wonder if forgiveness was what was left of my religion, since I was so involved in church during adolescence, when so much of me came to be.
I forgave Van for sleeping with another girl. For lying about it to me. For lying to me about other things. We got back together for a little while before he broke my heart again.
I wasn't the innocent one. I did my share of things too. Van forgave me for some things. So did some other people ...
Fuck. Van and I even had beers with his best friend Justin seven years later. At Agora. Cause for some reason last Christmas Van started messaging me on MySpace.
(MySpace is the devil, but anyway ...)
This isn't about Van, obviously. Just an example.
I don't know what this is about, but at 5 a.m. on a Wednesday morning, does it really matter?
But what I told my friend was, that all the me's I've been and all the we's I've been a part of, they were all different. We were all different. It was a different time. But I know one thing: When I love somebody, I love 'em all the way.
Frank Sinatra understood that. The Man himself said it. He didn't write it, but he sang it like he meant it.
"All the Way"
By Frank Sinatra
When somebody loves you
It's no good unless he loves you - all the way
Happy to be near you
When you need someone to cheer you - all the way
Taller than the tallest tree is
That's how its got to feel
Deeper than the deep blue sea is
That's how deep it goes - if it's real
When somebody needs you
It's no good unless he needs you - all the way
Through the good or lean years
And for all the in between years - come what may
Who knows where the road will lead us
Only a fool would say
But if you'll let me love you
It's for sure I'm gonna love you - all the way, all the way
So I've been e-mailing an old friend back in forth. We bitch to each other, encourage each other, talk about "things", you know, shit that friends do.
He recently asked me if I saw a pattern in my past relationships. I thought about it quite a bit. Am still thinking about it.
The one thing I did say, and I happened to be in a certain frame of mind when I wrote it because Chris and I were on "hiatus," was that I never seemed to let things effing die.
It's true. I've always sort of been that way. Van and I broke up two or three times. I broke up with Jeff three times. I thought I was in love with someone for years, and did the make-up/break-up thing (in my head) with him over and over.
But this time's different. This time I'm really not trying to make something impossible work. This time it is worth the work. This time it is worth fighting for.
The only problem is that maybe that is just how I feel every time about love.
You know what I'm talking about? How every time seems like the first time. Or better. Not that that's what this feels like exactly. Because I remember the other times. I remember them as times of many things, good and bad. I look at them as things in the past, but things that are not exclusive from the way I may act and react and think from time to time.
I've probably said this before, but my first roommate in college was the first person who taught me, or at least planted the seed of thought, that love does not have to be unconditional.
I'm a very forgiving person. I have forgiven so many for so many things. It was easier, so much easier, when I was younger. Call it inexperience. Call it idealism. Call it the belief I once held that people can change (haven't tried to even sort that issue out recently). Sometimes I even think back and wonder if forgiveness was what was left of my religion, since I was so involved in church during adolescence, when so much of me came to be.
I forgave Van for sleeping with another girl. For lying about it to me. For lying to me about other things. We got back together for a little while before he broke my heart again.
I wasn't the innocent one. I did my share of things too. Van forgave me for some things. So did some other people ...
Fuck. Van and I even had beers with his best friend Justin seven years later. At Agora. Cause for some reason last Christmas Van started messaging me on MySpace.
(MySpace is the devil, but anyway ...)
This isn't about Van, obviously. Just an example.
I don't know what this is about, but at 5 a.m. on a Wednesday morning, does it really matter?
But what I told my friend was, that all the me's I've been and all the we's I've been a part of, they were all different. We were all different. It was a different time. But I know one thing: When I love somebody, I love 'em all the way.
Frank Sinatra understood that. The Man himself said it. He didn't write it, but he sang it like he meant it.
"All the Way"
By Frank Sinatra
When somebody loves you
It's no good unless he loves you - all the way
Happy to be near you
When you need someone to cheer you - all the way
Taller than the tallest tree is
That's how its got to feel
Deeper than the deep blue sea is
That's how deep it goes - if it's real
When somebody needs you
It's no good unless he needs you - all the way
Through the good or lean years
And for all the in between years - come what may
Who knows where the road will lead us
Only a fool would say
But if you'll let me love you
It's for sure I'm gonna love you - all the way, all the way
Labels: Breaking Up, Frank Sinatra, Relationships
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