Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Dead to the World
I listened to JamisonParker this morning. I forgot how much I love that EP.
I'm having a pretty good day. Fell asleep at like 10 last night. Woke up at 7. Did some dishes. Did some laundry. Enjoyed the brightness of my living room, all the big windows and the blinds drawn.
Lately I am so dissatisfied. I feel like ... I don't know ... dead to the world.
I haven't been riding my mountain bike because it's been cold outside. I haven't been playing my guitar because I feel like I suck; and the less I practice, the more I suck. So it just produces this crazy cycle of suckage.
I don't read anything. I read True Love, and half of Maybe, Maybe Not. I read the first page of A Tale of Two Cities. I've read pieces of magazine articles. But for the last few years I could count on one hand how many good books I've read.
Even when I read them, I don't discuss them. I don't think too critically about them. I just let them wash over me. Like water. It feels like doing something. But it's not really. Other than passing time, I suppose.
My schedule is changing. I'm adjusting. It's something I wanted. I let Slicks become some sort of staple in my life. Now I'm away from poeople, and that environment. I don't really miss it. In fact, I'm happier. Just trying to learn a new way to manage my time now that work doesn't take up so much. My nights are free to do as I please. I began to loathe working until 3 a.m., and how I always felt anxious -- like I needed to go out whenever I was off, rather than stay home. Otherwise, mid-week I'd go crazy watching everyone else hang out while I would bring them their drinks.
Now, though, I miss myself. I miss my apartment. Crazy how it sounds, but I think I spent more time at home when I was working two jobs and going to school than I do now.
And I spent so much more time alone. At least a couple hours a day.
I feel like my brain is melting. I don't read the paper or watch the news. I rarely have intelligent conversation. I feel so dispassionate about most things.
And some asshole broke my heart six months ago. Only, he wasn't an asshole. I only say that because I know the fact that I miss him still, after this long, is incredibly lame.
I need to spend more time alone. I am not even talking about boys here. I already decided awhile ago to take a break from dating. But I feel like I've already begun to distance myself from people mentally. Now, I want to do so even more. Just enough so that I can make the time to figure out what it is that I do, or would like to do. And what I would like to talk about. Because so many of the conversations I have aren't about anything at all.
And I'm lonely, but lonely for a sense of something that's missing. I'm lonelier in crowds, when I can feel the emptiness more acutely, than when I'm alone, taking time to relax. I think if a person spends enough time alone they can forget what loneliness is, and just be comfortable. I know I can, because this time last year that's exactly where I was, and it was wonderful. My life was as close to complete as it has ever been.
I listened to JamisonParker this morning. I forgot how much I love that EP.
I'm having a pretty good day. Fell asleep at like 10 last night. Woke up at 7. Did some dishes. Did some laundry. Enjoyed the brightness of my living room, all the big windows and the blinds drawn.
Lately I am so dissatisfied. I feel like ... I don't know ... dead to the world.
I haven't been riding my mountain bike because it's been cold outside. I haven't been playing my guitar because I feel like I suck; and the less I practice, the more I suck. So it just produces this crazy cycle of suckage.
I don't read anything. I read True Love, and half of Maybe, Maybe Not. I read the first page of A Tale of Two Cities. I've read pieces of magazine articles. But for the last few years I could count on one hand how many good books I've read.
Even when I read them, I don't discuss them. I don't think too critically about them. I just let them wash over me. Like water. It feels like doing something. But it's not really. Other than passing time, I suppose.
My schedule is changing. I'm adjusting. It's something I wanted. I let Slicks become some sort of staple in my life. Now I'm away from poeople, and that environment. I don't really miss it. In fact, I'm happier. Just trying to learn a new way to manage my time now that work doesn't take up so much. My nights are free to do as I please. I began to loathe working until 3 a.m., and how I always felt anxious -- like I needed to go out whenever I was off, rather than stay home. Otherwise, mid-week I'd go crazy watching everyone else hang out while I would bring them their drinks.
Now, though, I miss myself. I miss my apartment. Crazy how it sounds, but I think I spent more time at home when I was working two jobs and going to school than I do now.
And I spent so much more time alone. At least a couple hours a day.
I feel like my brain is melting. I don't read the paper or watch the news. I rarely have intelligent conversation. I feel so dispassionate about most things.
And some asshole broke my heart six months ago. Only, he wasn't an asshole. I only say that because I know the fact that I miss him still, after this long, is incredibly lame.
I need to spend more time alone. I am not even talking about boys here. I already decided awhile ago to take a break from dating. But I feel like I've already begun to distance myself from people mentally. Now, I want to do so even more. Just enough so that I can make the time to figure out what it is that I do, or would like to do. And what I would like to talk about. Because so many of the conversations I have aren't about anything at all.
And I'm lonely, but lonely for a sense of something that's missing. I'm lonelier in crowds, when I can feel the emptiness more acutely, than when I'm alone, taking time to relax. I think if a person spends enough time alone they can forget what loneliness is, and just be comfortable. I know I can, because this time last year that's exactly where I was, and it was wonderful. My life was as close to complete as it has ever been.
Labels: Books, College, Depression, JamisonParker, Music, Work
1 Comments:
I've been there too, Cara. It's not always the best place to be and can always be very dark. When you become numb to reality, it isn't fun. I hope you find some spark to your life soon. Would you like to work on a song?
By 
, at
8:01 PM
