Monday, October 10, 2005
Dude, that's so extreme!
(... ah, fucking Harold and Kumar, I just had too. Ahaha.)
I spent the afternoon with my mom yesterday. Surprised her and hung out for a few hours. We had time to go to dinner together before I went to work.
She knew something wasn't right, in that mom way of knowing things. But I avoided her gaze when she asked me questions a little. It was all I could do to keep it together. I didn't go visit her to talk about me. I visited her just because I could.
We did talk about things a little. My father is out of town, and it's her first time at home, totally alone, being that the dog's not there.
I expressed a loneliness too. I feel lonelier than I've been in a long while. But it's a different kind of loneliness.
Like coming home to my house. The apartment that is my own. Know one else would ever be there on nights when I stumble in tired from work. Of course the couch is empty. Of course my bed's the same as I left it. Of course, the kitchen only has food if I buy groceries and the dishes are only clean if I clean them.
I go through extremes: between loathing my life and my things and myself, and loving all of it, and taking pride in it all, and wanting to share it.
I go through extremes: between wanting to call everyone I know and talk to anyone who would listen, or listen to them, and just laugh and laugh, and other times just wondering where the point is in getting out of bed.
But I get out of bed. Every day. And I'm reading a book even.
And training to be a bartender tonight, in fact.
So I guess that's the difference between now and 10 minutes from now. This very minute I'm sitting, but soon I'm going to get up and I'm going to move and keep moving. That's what I'm going to do.
(... ah, fucking Harold and Kumar, I just had too. Ahaha.)
I spent the afternoon with my mom yesterday. Surprised her and hung out for a few hours. We had time to go to dinner together before I went to work.
She knew something wasn't right, in that mom way of knowing things. But I avoided her gaze when she asked me questions a little. It was all I could do to keep it together. I didn't go visit her to talk about me. I visited her just because I could.
We did talk about things a little. My father is out of town, and it's her first time at home, totally alone, being that the dog's not there.
I expressed a loneliness too. I feel lonelier than I've been in a long while. But it's a different kind of loneliness.
Like coming home to my house. The apartment that is my own. Know one else would ever be there on nights when I stumble in tired from work. Of course the couch is empty. Of course my bed's the same as I left it. Of course, the kitchen only has food if I buy groceries and the dishes are only clean if I clean them.
I go through extremes: between loathing my life and my things and myself, and loving all of it, and taking pride in it all, and wanting to share it.
I go through extremes: between wanting to call everyone I know and talk to anyone who would listen, or listen to them, and just laugh and laugh, and other times just wondering where the point is in getting out of bed.
But I get out of bed. Every day. And I'm reading a book even.
And training to be a bartender tonight, in fact.
So I guess that's the difference between now and 10 minutes from now. This very minute I'm sitting, but soon I'm going to get up and I'm going to move and keep moving. That's what I'm going to do.
Labels: Depression
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