Rock Star Hour

I gotta shake it off.

Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it off ... I just downloaded that ringtone. AND WHAT?!

I just posted this MySpace bulletin that asked you to describe your love life in one word, and I used painstaking, but I'm not sure if that's right. But it seemed to fit the pain in my chest that comes and goes. Man, I did love me some Aaron.

I'm piecing things back together though. I feel really ridiculous for still feeling so ... not me, after some time has passed. But I'm getting there, and since it's almost like I spent a month in someone else's body, or somewhere else, I think I'm coming back OK.

I worked 12 hours yesterday. Five at my morning job and seven at night. I went to school today. Am still here. One more class today. I'm a hoss.

It is starting to wear on me a little. I've been trying to get out more, but I'm really poor. The second job was supposed to be for me. Just something to do. The thing that would get me that so-wanted mountain bike, or maybe a digital camera or an ipod. You know -- toys! Instead, business has plummeted so much at the bar that all my extra hours are barely picking up the slack.

So now it's like I work all the time, and go to school. And I'm poor and lonely, because I don't get out much other than work. My friends have been really great about visiting me on the job though. Fortunately.

My birthday is tomorrow. 25. Maybe that's where the nervous feeling in my stomach is coming from.

Quarter of a century. I tried to deny I've been thinking about it. I haven't really, until this month, when it seemed so hard to make ends meet even though I feel like I'm busting my ass. College is supposed to be that ass-busting buffer, er something. But I'm learning that when I get out I'll have to be careful, because it seems to matter less and less.

My mother busted her ass to get her degree. So did my sister. So did many of my friends. Where are all the great jobs in the universe with benefits and retirement and shit. Up Bush's ass. Ahah. Actually, I didn't mean for this to be any sort of commentary at all. I was just going to say they're up somebody's ass, and Bush came to mind.

Ah.

I do have a beautiful apartment. And I have been reading again. It feels good to read. I hadn't much in awhile. I read quite a bit of the Bible. I even went to church the last couple weekends.

I just wanted to make my mind up again. Because I haven't much experience in churches, and hadn't really read the Bible as an adult, making my own decisions and interpretations.

I still think it's interesting, but ... I don't know.

Did I write about church? I don't think I did. The first time I went again, two weekends ago, it was a really positive experience. I walked in myself, carrying my Bible, sang some hymns, read along to the lesson in the program. There were a lot of nice people there. It was a United Methodist Church, and the pastor was a woman and the congregation was a "reconciliation" one, meaning they accept anyone who wants to come in and worship.

I told some of our friends about it, including Jeff. So last Sunday four of us went together: me, Jeff, Brian, and Claire. They just wanted to check it out. We thought we could go and then talk about it afterwards. But then the service was almost two hours and most everything was littered with interjections about all the different things you could donate to the church that would in turn help the Katrina victims.

I don't know. The big verses that came up in lessons the last two weeks were from Romans. The ones about loving what is good and hating what is not. And seeking goodness, and the new commandment to love one another, that would serve the rest of them as the bottom line. Love a friend enough that you would die for them. Treat your neighbor like your brother basically.

And that's nice, in theory. I guess that's one of the reasons I went. Because what's the worst thing that could happen. Granted, when I told Aaron I was going to church he said he felt like if he walked in one he would burst into flames, but besides that, hah.

It just doesn't seem like anything bad could come of it. Just listening.

On the other hand, it isn't so easy to love right now. I'm still heartbroken, and I just lost my best friend. I'm realizing more and more that neither were the end-all, be-all. They can't be. That would make for a depressing life. But it's just hard.

And I also thought about how many churches there are in the world, and couldn't even fathom how many there were, and how many were gathering to hear what the Bible says is God's message. One that the New Testament claims is love, and feeling like the world outside of church is so loveless.

I almost felt like I was being not Tyler Durtan, but the other guy in fight club. Before he goes completely crazy and goes to all those meetings for like, testicular cancer. And he's a stranger there just like maybe I'm a stranger inside "God's house."

Also, in reading, and unpacking all my worldly things that have been in storage for so long, now home in my new apartment, I've found lots of old diaries and journals.

And man, I love life. And how everyone has a story. A story full of love and lust and family and friends and loss and nonsense and epiphanies and denials and stumblings and mistakes and learning and patterns in all their randomness.

And not just the stories, but the details. Like how the peanut butter is on a shelf in my house because I put it there. And how I can decide what speed to dial on my window unit. And guitars and shoes and music. Things. Worldly goods. And how my living room has a green "accent wall" because I picked out the paint. And downloading ringtones on my phone. Ah.

I guess I've been thinking about this anyway. Stefan even wrote about it. Buddhists giving up things to find "enlightenment." Christians giving up the world for heaven. Since it is written that man and the world are inherently sinful. It says to be righteous you have to deny yourself and take up your cross. Deny the world, and you're old way of life.

I guess before I got so screwed up recently, or even someway during the process, I started to believe life is good. And the world. And love, though it comes and leaves as it pleases. And I'm not giving up one bit of it. Amen.

Labels: birthdays, Buddhism, Church, College, MySpace