Friday, March 18, 2005
Spilling the beans
If you don't want to know that much about me, don't read this.
So, I spent the night the other night. You ever had that thing where you like someone so much you can't wait to fall asleep so you can know what it's like to wake up next to them? I think I laid awake for a long while just anticipating that.
But when I finally fell asleep, I had a nightmare. I dreamed that when I woke up he was already up, and he had already showered and changed. And he was being all cold. He looked right at me and said sternly, "Get up. We're leaving in five minutes."
And he didn't kiss me good morning. And when he looked at me it was like he wasn't looking at me at all, just through me or past me. And I felt horrible.
But when I actually did wake up the awakeness felt more like a dream than the dream. He was so nice. He was wonderful. And I felt so at ease, but in the back of my head I was freaking out.
I know where the dream came from, because that has actually happened. The last person I slept with, which was quite awhile ago, was like that. He was totally sweet and romantic and attentive at night, and then he'd wake up like a different person. He didn't show me any affection at all. He seemed indifferent to whether I was even there. And he'd get ready for school, and he'd leave. And he's not the only person who ever gave me mixed signals, just the last.
I've become severely high maintenance, I realize. Not necessarily needy, but I do have certain expectations as to how I should be treated. And I think that's a good thing. So far, everything is going great. But it's like I keep waiting for disappointment so I can just shut it off. Cause I can do that now. No matter how much I like somebody, I come first. First time I feel unappreciated I'm out the door. It's just easier to be alone anyway. When you're used to it.
I feel kinda fucked up. That dream reminded me that I still have issues. I try not to, so hard. I try to live each day like it's new, and I try to treat people on an individual basis, and new possible loves on a level all their own.
I finally learned to separate them when I was out in Seattle, as best as I can. I worked really hard.
One of the things I learned, and for my own good, fair or not, is to cut ties when I need to. And I had started new and kept the appropriate space between myself and past loves so as not to get confused, for the most part.
It's almost like when you're a kid, and you really want some candy, and then you eat too much and get a bellyache. It's not as bad as that. But it's similar for some reason. Because I'm definitely getting more than I bargained for.
I really like him. And to complicate things, he's that friend who wrote to me that I hadn't seen in five years. So we're friends too, but I'm pretty sure if this doesn't work we won't be, while I try not to think about that.
If you don't want to know that much about me, don't read this.
So, I spent the night the other night. You ever had that thing where you like someone so much you can't wait to fall asleep so you can know what it's like to wake up next to them? I think I laid awake for a long while just anticipating that.
But when I finally fell asleep, I had a nightmare. I dreamed that when I woke up he was already up, and he had already showered and changed. And he was being all cold. He looked right at me and said sternly, "Get up. We're leaving in five minutes."
And he didn't kiss me good morning. And when he looked at me it was like he wasn't looking at me at all, just through me or past me. And I felt horrible.
But when I actually did wake up the awakeness felt more like a dream than the dream. He was so nice. He was wonderful. And I felt so at ease, but in the back of my head I was freaking out.
I know where the dream came from, because that has actually happened. The last person I slept with, which was quite awhile ago, was like that. He was totally sweet and romantic and attentive at night, and then he'd wake up like a different person. He didn't show me any affection at all. He seemed indifferent to whether I was even there. And he'd get ready for school, and he'd leave. And he's not the only person who ever gave me mixed signals, just the last.
I've become severely high maintenance, I realize. Not necessarily needy, but I do have certain expectations as to how I should be treated. And I think that's a good thing. So far, everything is going great. But it's like I keep waiting for disappointment so I can just shut it off. Cause I can do that now. No matter how much I like somebody, I come first. First time I feel unappreciated I'm out the door. It's just easier to be alone anyway. When you're used to it.
I feel kinda fucked up. That dream reminded me that I still have issues. I try not to, so hard. I try to live each day like it's new, and I try to treat people on an individual basis, and new possible loves on a level all their own.
I finally learned to separate them when I was out in Seattle, as best as I can. I worked really hard.
One of the things I learned, and for my own good, fair or not, is to cut ties when I need to. And I had started new and kept the appropriate space between myself and past loves so as not to get confused, for the most part.
It's almost like when you're a kid, and you really want some candy, and then you eat too much and get a bellyache. It's not as bad as that. But it's similar for some reason. Because I'm definitely getting more than I bargained for.
I really like him. And to complicate things, he's that friend who wrote to me that I hadn't seen in five years. So we're friends too, but I'm pretty sure if this doesn't work we won't be, while I try not to think about that.
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