Rock Star Hour

I'm on fire, and now I think I'm ready to bust a move.

I just listened to Catalyst in its entirety while I made my Capitolo 8 Italian flashcards, which made me think of how much I am like my mother. Making the flashcards, I mean, not the New Found Glory.

The New Found Glory made me think about a lot more, and I just had to write, but I wouldn't know where to begin. My mind raced during the whole thing, and most of my thoughts did not border on Italian at all.

And it feels so useless ... Do you know that Aveo song? I can't think of the name of it, but it's on Battery.

Listening to NFG made me so depressed, and it usually makes me happy. That's why I played it. Thought it would be good work music.

But it just made me think of a boy, and then Seattle, and then another boy, and then coming home, and then the first boy ...

Come to think of it, I know why that is. It was as if my life replayed in my head from just days before I bought that album in June to where I am now, in the perfect span of 14 tracks (I never listen to the hidden tracks after the last song "Who Am I." I just always stop it there.)

And then I felt just like that song, "Who Am I," at the end. Here are the lyrics.

Don't say it'll stay this way forever

I'm afloat in the ocean trying not to sink
I'm a crack in the asphalt you walk by on the street
I'm a falling star you'll never see
The lash in your eye the I in team

So Who am I?

Don't say it'll stay this way forever
Don't say it'll stay this way forever

I'm the lesson you'll never learn
The sickness that was never your concern
I'm the big surprise at the end of the night
The bridge in the gap
The corner of your mind

So Who am I?

Don't say it'll stay this way forever
Don't say it'll stay this way forever

Don't say it'll stay this way forever
(you don't know, you don't don't, you never know)
Don't say it'll stay this way forever
(you don't know, you don't don't, you never know)

I'm holding on
Yes I am
Careful what I wish for
I am the knot in your stomach
The phlegm in your throat
The message saying you're not home

Don't say it'll stay this way forever
(you don't know, you don't don't, you never know)
Don't say it'll stay this way forever
(you don't know, you don't don't, you never know)

I'm afloat in the ocean trying not to sink

And I keep thinking about conversations I had with people. Before I left, and when I came back, and since then.

And contrasting them with words I recall writing in my diary. Like how once Dave told me not to be afraid of losing. And how everything I had I could get back again in three years. And then I think about writing to myself a couple months ago, describing the complex feeling that it is to be a "triumphant fuck-up."

And then I think about what Dave told me about making declarative statements.

Today, on TV, I overheard Clint Eastwood in an interview. I wasn't actually watching it, because I was upstairs from the living room. But the TV was on, and I heard him say that he would never say never again. Something about not wanting to be like Sinatra and retire several times. So, he's not going to say he won't be in another movie; he's just not going to say anything, and then what will be will be.

Maybe people should be able to say whatever they want. I've said my share of things. I said I was going lots of places.

But lately, I feel so stuck. This week as we know I was really sick, so that made the stuck feeling even more acute. I've been at home for days.

But it's more than that. I'm back in school, but I feel dissatisfied. For one thing, I said I would take 17 hours so I could get the fuck out. And you know what, I only have 8. It's just that tuition and fees has gone up so much, and I realized I need to prioritize, and I'm not fully in a place to do that right now.

I never thought I'd be living with my parents at 24. I'm looking at three to four more months of it before I go to camp.

And then camp. I don't know what I'm doing. There's a possibility that Jeff will be there. I've been telling everyone that it doesn't matter, that I can do this. But of course, it causes more than some anxiety.

Yesterday I was thinking about that whole situation. And I flashbacked to breaking up with Jeff and the day he moved out. When I came home and his things were gone I collapsed on the floor. And I did that more than a few times over the next few months when I'd just be alone at home doing everyday activities and the slightest things would remind me of him.

If I ever met Jeff again, and I was in some position where I would be asked for an explanation, I honestly don't know what I would say.

"I'm sorry. I guess you just caught me on the wrong end of a nervous breakdown."

And I know that's not all of it. And I know he was not for me, but I just hate how these things work.

You know what else, I've been thinking about? Being the between person. I wish there was a term for it. You know how in the movies there's a couple main characters who are on a quest to fall in love with each other, only there are these supporting actors who play their lover or something, and you want them to break up so the main people can get together?

You know what I'm talking about. Like Walter, in Sleepless in Seattle. You know how Annie Reed says to Becky something about how "you think you could tell what he's like by looking at him but you just can't." Remember?

Or when Maggie Rice decides not to go to the cabin and marry that other doctor she works with at the hospital in City of Angels because she's in love with Seth? You don't want her to be with that doctor guy. You want her to be with Seth, even though they can't touch each other because he's an angel, because they're in love.

So here's the thing: I'm that doctor guy. Seriously. Only, maybe we're all that doctor guy. Because you have to be one or the other. You're the in-between thing or you're it.

See, the thing about my exes all being in love, as I have said before, is not necessarily that they are in love that bothers me. It's whom they fell in love with that bothers me. Because in most of the cases I know both parties, and it just ends up making me feel like the Walter. Like I'm the obstacle they had to go through to get together.

And I watch those movies. And I believe in love. So of course I don't want to be the Walter. I want the Sams and Annies of the world to get together.

This is true. I'm not just reading into things. My most recent boyfriend broke up with me to be with his best friend's sister. Who didn't see that coming. As soon as I learned he had a new girlfriend, I immediately knew it was her. The first night I took him out when I was dropping his best friend off at home, he said, "Nathan, I swear I'm going to marry your sister one day."

I shit you not.

There are others, but I think you get the picture. So, it's like, I couldn't be mad at Craig for that. Who am I to stand in the way. Plus, I'd never doubt myself or feel bad because somebody didn't want to be with me. For any reason. Because if there's one thing I learned it's that you can't feel guilty over your own emotions. You could be with somebody one day and be happy, and the next day they could wake up and just not be in love with you anymore. That's the way it goes. And when that happens, you deal with it.

I can deal with just about anything. I just would rather not be the Walter, you know?