Rock Star Hour

State of Control

Rarrrrrr!

Damn, dude, I'm bored out of my mind. And I don't bore easily so I think this is just frustrating me even more.

I have a lot of pent up energy all the sudden. I want to just rarrrrrrrr! I don't know, rock out, or go running, or have sex, or rollerskate. Something. Shit.

I played my guitar today, and it just pissed me off. It's one of those sucky times of the month. Not the female kind. The moon kind. You know how some times of the month you just have more creative energy from the stars or something. Well, now is not one of those times for me. Eh.

I am going to start clawing at the walls soon. I need freedom. I'm like a friggen bird in a cage. A work and then go home and sleep cage. And that's no life for a bird. And that's no life for me.

You know what else? Nothing too terribly exciting has happened lately. I'm not a drama queen. I'm definitely not always the adventure seeker. But I do enjoy a good risk now and then.

Eh, nothing. Feel free to skip this. I'm just going to keep typing until I settle down a bit.

Rarrrr!

My friend Scott told me to let out a good grrrr when I need to. But grrrr's too mild for now, so RARRRRRRRR!

I seriously do feel like making some noise, but as you have it I am typing upstairs in the loft of a house in a tiny suburban neighborhood.

I am grateful for this neighborhood. I am grateful for the futon. I am grateful for the super excellent parents I have for helping me out. For real. I just wish I had a soundproof room or something.

Scratch that. I wish they slept in a soundproof room, so that in the hours after they go to sleep when I am still awake I wouldn't have to be so conscious of every sound I make around the house.

And I hate tv. Grrrrrr. And I hate how the only time I can spend with my parents is in front of it, when no one talks to anyone, and I'm not entertained by any of it.

Grrrrr. I put that I'm listening to The Blood Brothers, but I'm not, because the neighborhood Best Buy was sold out of it when I went there tonight. But I would be if I could. And I would be playing it loudly. And I would rock out and dance around like no one is watching because no one would be watching, and it would be the best time ever.

I would unwrap the plastic, and brace myself. It would be awesome.

I feel like taking a long drive. I feel like strumming my guitar and writing a screamo song, except I have nothing to scream about.

Just the plight of a 24-year-old, pent up and full of dreams. Too old to screw around, too young to settle down. Fuckin' A.

I'm ready for my own place. I'm ready to walk around naked. Or live in my bathrobe. And eat Wheat Thins on the couch. I'm ready to blast some Good Life and do the dishes. I'm ready for some John Coltrane bubble baths and reading. I'm ready for my blue towels that are in storage.

And to rediscover everything I left behind when I left for Seattle.

I'm ready to be me all the time. Not having to worry about hogging a bathroom or waking up anybody, or who's going to let me in the house.

Doing whatever I wanted at 3 a.m. I'm ready for that. I'm ready for the fun parts of being a grown up. The ones I overlooked.

I'm even ready to do some cooking for me and only me. Eggplant Parmesan. Fuckin' Thai food. Or avocado and mushroom sandwiches every day. For real.

Raaaaarrr! I think I'm gonna buy some skates. I really am. Or maybe a friggen skateboard. I've always loved skating. Maybe I could learn how to do an ollie, or get a little ramp, and bust my ass. Feel what it's like to scrape my knees for a change and wake the fuck up.

It's 2005, and damnit if I don't pay somebody to push me out the window of a plane this year so I can open up a parachute and dangle slowly over the earth for ever and ever before hitting the ground with a new sense of the world and my own damn mortality.

***

I wrote that on my MySpace blog the other night. But I'm feeling a little bit better. I got a few comments from some very good friends who are feeling me. At least I'm not alone.

Yesterday was such a long day. I worked nine hours, after spending an hour on a bus to get there. I'm enjoying the bus rides, though. Reading Moby Dick passes the time. I really love it.

But then I got off work, and missed the most recent bus, so I had to wait for like 30 minutes in the cold.

One interesting thing happened though, while I was waiting. I was standing in the corner of an entryway to an office building; the walls blocked out the wind a little. And then this plastic bag from a bunch of trash someone put out from a nearby hotel came over to play in the wind.

I didn't have anything to do -- just smoking and waiting -- so I watched it. A man stood in the corner opposite me, and the bag swayed up toward him, going around in circles. It swam around him a couple times. He didn't seem to notice. Then it dove down and wrapped around his right leg. And he just stood there, while it whipped in the wind on his leg.

And I'm thinking to myself, does he notice? Is he embarrassed. 'Cause he just stood still for a while. Finally he turned around and let it unravel itself from him.

But then it began to fly in rapid spirals up and down his body, like it was playing with him. Tormenting him. Capturing him. Teasing him. And he looked almost like he started to freak out. Then it got behind him and latched onto the handle of a door, like it was waiting to pounce on him again.

He moved a little. Then all at once the bag just took off around the corner.

I was just really entertained by all that. I wish someone had been there to laugh with me. I imagined someone sitting next to me, huddled in the cold wind, secretly, silently, watching along with me. And we would make eye contact and smile, and then the bus would come and we would crack up.

School starts next week, and I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to new concepts, and new faces. And something different to do with my time.

I've been telling everyone that I will be the biggest slacker in the world. Barely pass, and with pride. But that's not me. I know I will work hard. Because if school is what I'm doing right now, then I'm going to do it well.

And everything else will come in time. Because all things have been slowly working up to something. And I just have to trust that something. And wish that'll it'll be good. Really good. Like a dream that comes true.