Sunday, January 09, 2005
Goodbye Squared x 2 to the 3rd degree, er something
This post maybe pointless. The next few minutes will make or break it. But I want to say something. Two things come to mind.
For the first, I should say that I am quite comfortable with the whole of my life right now. I really am quite content. I went home to stay with my folks, and we are getting along really well. And I am safe.
I've read as many books in the last two weeks as I probably read in the whole of 2004. It's good.
I haven't written a song in more than a month. I've tried in pieces, but I just haven't. I am playing, though. I played at a few parties recently. I love playing for people, and I'm becoming more and more comfortable with that. Not so much last night at Randy's. I somehow got nervous and fucked up a lot, but eh. I'm going to start playing open mics soon. Even if I don't go with the band. Just for me. Because I love playing for people, and want to do it more.
I had to say goodbye to two people this weekend, and it sucked. So, as I'm on the whole in a fantastic mood, I'm overshadowed by this shady feeling of half-sorrow, half-regret, half-something else even though three halves make more than a whole. I think it might work somehow if I could put my feelings into one of those ven diagrams.
Anyway, Randy's moving, or has already left, for the Northwest. Hopefully I will meet him out there in two years, and hopefully I will at least see him on some visits before then.
And Guillermo. Guillermo. Guillermo. Guillermo's leaving to go back to Germany tomorrow. Sucks. I'm always sad when he leaves, for awhile, and then I forget about him for awhile. And I don't like it when he leaves, and I don't like it that I forget him sometimes. He's one of my best friends in the world. It's not quite forgetting. It's just that I'd rather appreciate him when he's here, and work on my life, and have hopeful feelings that he is doing all the things he wants to do and seeing everything out there in Europe.
My older sister is moving out of state in a few months, and most likely out of the country in another year. Her boyfriend is British, and that is when his work visa runs out. So, then they're pretty much going to go off to Scotland or anywhere. Anywhere they can be together. Which is romantic, and nice, and I'm happy for her.
A lot of people are in love right now. I keep thinking about it. It's like that Good Life song. It's different when you're lonely/and the whole world's in love/holding hands between bar stools ..."
Those words ring in and out of my mind like a melancholy bell. It's a strange kind of loneliness. Because I'm not lonely for a person. Like loneliness I think is intended to mean. Absent of love comes to mind, but I have plenty of love to give, and have been showering friends with it.
My old friend Merideth and I have been hanging out a lot. A whole lot. Ten years. She's gone to college and come back, and now that I'm at my parents' I live near her, and we catch up. We reminisce about the first time she hit her mother's liquor cabinet, and how we drank it upstairs in her room all slumber party style. We were about 15. We have coffee and bullshit about our lives and books we are reading and art. We went dancing. It is great to have her back in life. Nearer to my life I should say, as an active part of it.
Look. Love.
I think love is one of the most beautiful words in the English language. How can that be, with all things and there are many -- the attachments the word picks up over years. Like a person picks up friends and enemies.
Love. I think I'm in love with love. I don't want a boyfriend, I just want to be in love. And it is completely selfish. I mean, I don't give a shit. I guess that's what I miss. Giving a shit about somebody. I haven't been in love. Not for a while. It's the feeling I miss. The freefall. The intimacy. The excitement. Learning another person's body and mind and sharing it with your own.
I spoil my boyfriends rotten. I spoil them like they're my children. It's bad. Because then they become children.
I selfishly want to be in love.
It's a cutting realization. There is no place for it. Throwing love into my life right now would be like throwing a red bra or skirt into a washer full of whites. It would just turn everything pink and ruin it. I mean, sure, maybe a white t-shirt or two would look cool slightly pink, but everything else would have to be thrown out, and then I'd have to get a whole new wardrobe. And it's too soon to start over again, because I barely have started over. I want to wear in these clothes a little. I want to wear these t-shirts on my own before the band names fade.
Painful but true. It's like that whole thing about not being in two places at once. You can't. And you can't be in love and you can't be alone.
This post maybe pointless. The next few minutes will make or break it. But I want to say something. Two things come to mind.
For the first, I should say that I am quite comfortable with the whole of my life right now. I really am quite content. I went home to stay with my folks, and we are getting along really well. And I am safe.
I've read as many books in the last two weeks as I probably read in the whole of 2004. It's good.
I haven't written a song in more than a month. I've tried in pieces, but I just haven't. I am playing, though. I played at a few parties recently. I love playing for people, and I'm becoming more and more comfortable with that. Not so much last night at Randy's. I somehow got nervous and fucked up a lot, but eh. I'm going to start playing open mics soon. Even if I don't go with the band. Just for me. Because I love playing for people, and want to do it more.
I had to say goodbye to two people this weekend, and it sucked. So, as I'm on the whole in a fantastic mood, I'm overshadowed by this shady feeling of half-sorrow, half-regret, half-something else even though three halves make more than a whole. I think it might work somehow if I could put my feelings into one of those ven diagrams.
Anyway, Randy's moving, or has already left, for the Northwest. Hopefully I will meet him out there in two years, and hopefully I will at least see him on some visits before then.
And Guillermo. Guillermo. Guillermo. Guillermo's leaving to go back to Germany tomorrow. Sucks. I'm always sad when he leaves, for awhile, and then I forget about him for awhile. And I don't like it when he leaves, and I don't like it that I forget him sometimes. He's one of my best friends in the world. It's not quite forgetting. It's just that I'd rather appreciate him when he's here, and work on my life, and have hopeful feelings that he is doing all the things he wants to do and seeing everything out there in Europe.
My older sister is moving out of state in a few months, and most likely out of the country in another year. Her boyfriend is British, and that is when his work visa runs out. So, then they're pretty much going to go off to Scotland or anywhere. Anywhere they can be together. Which is romantic, and nice, and I'm happy for her.
A lot of people are in love right now. I keep thinking about it. It's like that Good Life song. It's different when you're lonely/and the whole world's in love/holding hands between bar stools ..."
Those words ring in and out of my mind like a melancholy bell. It's a strange kind of loneliness. Because I'm not lonely for a person. Like loneliness I think is intended to mean. Absent of love comes to mind, but I have plenty of love to give, and have been showering friends with it.
My old friend Merideth and I have been hanging out a lot. A whole lot. Ten years. She's gone to college and come back, and now that I'm at my parents' I live near her, and we catch up. We reminisce about the first time she hit her mother's liquor cabinet, and how we drank it upstairs in her room all slumber party style. We were about 15. We have coffee and bullshit about our lives and books we are reading and art. We went dancing. It is great to have her back in life. Nearer to my life I should say, as an active part of it.
Look. Love.
I think love is one of the most beautiful words in the English language. How can that be, with all things and there are many -- the attachments the word picks up over years. Like a person picks up friends and enemies.
Love. I think I'm in love with love. I don't want a boyfriend, I just want to be in love. And it is completely selfish. I mean, I don't give a shit. I guess that's what I miss. Giving a shit about somebody. I haven't been in love. Not for a while. It's the feeling I miss. The freefall. The intimacy. The excitement. Learning another person's body and mind and sharing it with your own.
I spoil my boyfriends rotten. I spoil them like they're my children. It's bad. Because then they become children.
I selfishly want to be in love.
It's a cutting realization. There is no place for it. Throwing love into my life right now would be like throwing a red bra or skirt into a washer full of whites. It would just turn everything pink and ruin it. I mean, sure, maybe a white t-shirt or two would look cool slightly pink, but everything else would have to be thrown out, and then I'd have to get a whole new wardrobe. And it's too soon to start over again, because I barely have started over. I want to wear in these clothes a little. I want to wear these t-shirts on my own before the band names fade.
Painful but true. It's like that whole thing about not being in two places at once. You can't. And you can't be in love and you can't be alone.
1 Comments:
You could always give up the modesty and guilt, and fall in love with yourself. It is a surprisingly easy thing to do if you allow it to be unconditional.
Dave
By 
, at
4:57 PM
