Rock Star Hour

There are no roses. Only rain.

So my friends and I keep having these conversations. They say I just need to have fun and date around. Play with boys. Date men. And then I say, this is not about age. You can't tell me anyone who's my age hasn't acted any differently. And then I think that maybe I am young.

I am immature. What's my age again? I used to love that song. Especially the part about being 23. But now I'm 24, and as I said on my birthday, where are the songs for the 24-year-olds?

Maybe I'll write one.

Anyway, the thing about having fun is, that's what I do. I do have fun. I have so much fun with the person that I just want to have even more fun with them. I want to spend more time with them, and have more fun. Hopefully in the sack.

But anyway, I'm not having fun now. Because right now just isn't fun for me. If you had so much fun with somebody, why wouldn't you want to be with them? I thought that was the point.

I feel inept. And I don't think it's something I can change. I don't think it's fun when you're just having fun and nothing else. Usually when that happens, the fun stops and somebody gets hurt. Rarely do two people find each other who just want to have fun, and nothing else.

It's like my friends Nathan and Ang. They are so good together. They're awesome. And they dated for a long time, and now they are undating. The reason is, they want completely different things out of life, and neither one is willing to compromise.

Nathan loves the big city. He has a studio apartment. He loves living Downtown. He's not sure if he ever wants kids, and if so, probably one.

Ang is wonderful. She's going to be a great mother someday. And she wants a house, and husband, and kids, and maybe some land or something.

So they're just having fun. Because they're great together, and they haven't found what they're looking for yet otherwise.

I can completely understand that, and appreciate it. I can appreciate a lot of things. I realize people take many different attitudes toward love, and sex, and relationships. It's one of the things I love about being human, in fact.

Agh. I just don't know what I'm going to do about me. Seems like the last few times I fell nobody bothered to catch me.

I'm not trying to pity myself, but I do feel like a fool. I wish everything wasn't so complicated.