Thursday, July 08, 2004
They say home is where the heart is, do they?
I want love in my life. I want my life to be full of love like that Bjork song Ben Gibbard covered on the Stability EP. I want to love my family and friends and job and place. I want it all.
And I want to love. And to be loved. And to be a lovely person.
Do you think god would give it to me if I would use it good? Because I would.
It doesn't all have to be easy. It doesn't all have to smell like Chinese-gardened Portland roses. Wouldn't hurt ...
I want to stop all the reflecting and hurting. The desire to purge myself of the life I've known for the last year and wanting to go to places like Canada and Mars ...
I want to take these things and bury them so deep in the woods and forget where I left the plots after a long, hard rain.
One day I went down to the Bay. Took a walk with my headphones. And before I knew it "Everybody Hurts" was playing, and I was picking up the biggest sea rocks I could find and hurling them into the sea -- I'm not even sure what for.
I know I scared the wits out of the fish. Lots of fish. And little minnow ones too. And jellyfish -- poisonous and not. With yellow and white tops and long dangly tentacles that glide like wings on birds. Dancing with the currents ...
It's hard to be brave when your heart is broken because your heart is what holds your courage. Your compassion. Maybe your brain holds your strength, but it's pointless without hope, which is also at home in your heart.
I wish there were a Heart Repair Store. It would make a lot of money. It could probably get bigger and richer than Starbucks and Microsoft. Songs work some, but my perception of them keeps changing -- quicker than seasons within a Washington summer day sometimes.
I wanted to leave something. I wanted to find a home. Sometimes I lie awake at night here or stare at the sea, or watch the trees move and the drifting tide, and think about how home is what I left.
I want love in my life. I want my life to be full of love like that Bjork song Ben Gibbard covered on the Stability EP. I want to love my family and friends and job and place. I want it all.
And I want to love. And to be loved. And to be a lovely person.
Do you think god would give it to me if I would use it good? Because I would.
It doesn't all have to be easy. It doesn't all have to smell like Chinese-gardened Portland roses. Wouldn't hurt ...
I want to stop all the reflecting and hurting. The desire to purge myself of the life I've known for the last year and wanting to go to places like Canada and Mars ...
I want to take these things and bury them so deep in the woods and forget where I left the plots after a long, hard rain.
One day I went down to the Bay. Took a walk with my headphones. And before I knew it "Everybody Hurts" was playing, and I was picking up the biggest sea rocks I could find and hurling them into the sea -- I'm not even sure what for.
I know I scared the wits out of the fish. Lots of fish. And little minnow ones too. And jellyfish -- poisonous and not. With yellow and white tops and long dangly tentacles that glide like wings on birds. Dancing with the currents ...
It's hard to be brave when your heart is broken because your heart is what holds your courage. Your compassion. Maybe your brain holds your strength, but it's pointless without hope, which is also at home in your heart.
I wish there were a Heart Repair Store. It would make a lot of money. It could probably get bigger and richer than Starbucks and Microsoft. Songs work some, but my perception of them keeps changing -- quicker than seasons within a Washington summer day sometimes.
I wanted to leave something. I wanted to find a home. Sometimes I lie awake at night here or stare at the sea, or watch the trees move and the drifting tide, and think about how home is what I left.
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