Monday, June 07, 2004
She said her life was saved by rock and roll ...
I am the biggest bullshitter in the entire world, and I have known some bullshitters in my time.
I've been shatting for six months.
I'm writing a chick dork rocker song. A wannabe Rivers Cuomo tune. I've been listening to pop punk and stuff, and a little hip-hop, but like poppy hip-hop, not angry hip-hop. I've got the new New Found Glory. It's called Catalyst. I'm not sure how I feel about how the album seems to circumnavigate every emotion I have felt in the last couple weeks.
Yesterday I also listened to Green Day and today I listened to Good Charlotte. Sometimes I think the whole Good Charlotte thing could be embarrassing for a music snob to admit. It's not as good as NFG. Musically it's mediocre-ish, but I love what they are about. I love their lyrics. I love how they can simply and poppily express themselves, talking shit about problems of the rich people and being young and going against the grain, and certain friendships and wanting to make things last as they slip away. It really is good ... I dig their sentiments. I do dig that.
And I'm tired of writing sad songs. Even the happy songs have this element of sadness to them. Even the angry ones too. I've been sad for a long, long time.
Sadder than ever, I know that now. Lack of direction does that to me.
But I think I wrote a few posts back about learning how to make decisions. It started with going to parks and playing guitar. Or deciding between grill cheese and peanut butter sandwiches. And it has evolved to clarity surrounding school, relationships, and finding that special place to go ...
But the weirdest thing is that in the periods of the suckage some of the best things come out. Like when I broke up with Jeff a couple years ago. I always wanted to dismiss that period of growth in my life, but back then I became vegetarian, quit smoking and stayed quit, bought a keyboard, worked so much at the Cougar and kept my grades high ... that's the same as what's happening now. I've done some shitty things, but I've figured a whole lot out. I'm stronger. And buying my guitar is one of the best things. And flying to see Ellen back in April. And meeting Trevor, even though he had to move away.
I just got back from spending a few days in Austin, and on the drive back as the highway slipped behind me I thought something I hadn't thought in a very long time. I thought about god. Not the Christian god. Not the denominational one. Not the masculine entity. I'm not sure which one. But it was a relgious experience. Because I felt on that drive that I was driving on a plan. I thought about the sequence of events in my life. And I thought about how lots of times have been horrible and I couldn't understand why, but a year or two later I was glad.
I am the biggest bullshitter in the entire world, and I have known some bullshitters in my time.
I've been shatting for six months.
I'm writing a chick dork rocker song. A wannabe Rivers Cuomo tune. I've been listening to pop punk and stuff, and a little hip-hop, but like poppy hip-hop, not angry hip-hop. I've got the new New Found Glory. It's called Catalyst. I'm not sure how I feel about how the album seems to circumnavigate every emotion I have felt in the last couple weeks.
Yesterday I also listened to Green Day and today I listened to Good Charlotte. Sometimes I think the whole Good Charlotte thing could be embarrassing for a music snob to admit. It's not as good as NFG. Musically it's mediocre-ish, but I love what they are about. I love their lyrics. I love how they can simply and poppily express themselves, talking shit about problems of the rich people and being young and going against the grain, and certain friendships and wanting to make things last as they slip away. It really is good ... I dig their sentiments. I do dig that.
And I'm tired of writing sad songs. Even the happy songs have this element of sadness to them. Even the angry ones too. I've been sad for a long, long time.
Sadder than ever, I know that now. Lack of direction does that to me.
But I think I wrote a few posts back about learning how to make decisions. It started with going to parks and playing guitar. Or deciding between grill cheese and peanut butter sandwiches. And it has evolved to clarity surrounding school, relationships, and finding that special place to go ...
But the weirdest thing is that in the periods of the suckage some of the best things come out. Like when I broke up with Jeff a couple years ago. I always wanted to dismiss that period of growth in my life, but back then I became vegetarian, quit smoking and stayed quit, bought a keyboard, worked so much at the Cougar and kept my grades high ... that's the same as what's happening now. I've done some shitty things, but I've figured a whole lot out. I'm stronger. And buying my guitar is one of the best things. And flying to see Ellen back in April. And meeting Trevor, even though he had to move away.
I just got back from spending a few days in Austin, and on the drive back as the highway slipped behind me I thought something I hadn't thought in a very long time. I thought about god. Not the Christian god. Not the denominational one. Not the masculine entity. I'm not sure which one. But it was a relgious experience. Because I felt on that drive that I was driving on a plan. I thought about the sequence of events in my life. And I thought about how lots of times have been horrible and I couldn't understand why, but a year or two later I was glad.
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